As a therapist, I often hear many different versions of, "If my partner/friend/family member would do more of this or less of that, I would be SO MUCH happier." Seems many of us believe the road to contentment is paved with another's intentions. When a loved one's behavior is overtly destructive, would a change likely do everyone some good? Sure. However, when we focus exclusively on someone else's motivations or actions, we forfeit our own power to affect change. A pointed finger merely identifies the person to whom we have relinquished it. Emotionally intense (heated) and/or familiar (repeated) arguments hold the key to identifying and resolving the childhood wounds that obstruct intimacy. The heated and repeated words we speak are usually (a) the words we needed to say at the time the wound was created (but we were too small or vulnerable to speak them), (b) what we most needed to hear from the person or people who initially hurt us, or (c) the words we are speaking about and for ourselves. Each time we notice and respond lovingly to our words in the present moment, we move toward healing the past. Each repetitive argument is life's way of asking us to clear the obstacles that keep us from loving more freely. Partners cannot clear these obstacles for us; we must do it ourselves. I know; I've been there. I once struggled in a relationship with someone who did not know how to respectfully treat others. After months of fruitless pleas for him to change, I realized I was the one who was being disrespectful: of him by expecting he morph into someone he wasn't and of myself for ignoring my own words. It was I who had to change. Over time, I came to appreciate how choosing an unhealthy relationship was a necessary part of learning to respect myself. Had I continued to direct my energy toward someone else's behavior, this lesson would have been missed entirely. The next time you find yourself shouting something you've said more than three times, I encourage you to accept life's invitation. Listen to your words. Love yourself by respecting your own words. Your words are a testament to your strength. Your words will tell you everything you need to know. Your thoughts? Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Feeling worn down by your own heated and repeated arguments? Schedule a free consultation to find out what these arguments may be trying to teach YOU!
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Relationship issues are among the most common reasons people seek therapy, counseling, or coaching. When things aren't functioning optimally in our relational world, everything can seem off-kilter. No matter how varied the details of each situation, often, the root cause of relationship tension lies in the setting and maintaining of appropriate boundaries.
Personal boundaries foster safety and well-being in relationships. They are the physical, emotional, and mental guidelines we follow when teaching others how to treat us. When we are raised in households where healthy boundaries were neither modeled nor encouraged, it can be difficult to tell the difference between what boundaries are and what they are not, rendering us less likely to take appropriate action when it is needed. Here are the top five erroneous beliefs that get in the way of healthy limit-setting in relationships: 1: Boundary-setting is an act of disrespect, aggression, or punishment. Fact: Boundaries are protection, not punishment. It is up to each of us to determine what we will or will not tolerate. It is our responsibility to assert our boundaries (calmly and respectfully) and to disengage when they are not respected. Failure to honor our limits breeds resentment. Resentment may seem like it's about what another person is or is not doing, but it is actually our body's way of signaling us to set an appropriate limit and stick to it. Resentment occurs when we expect someone else to take better care of us than we take of ourselves. 2. Boundaries need to be explained, justified, or understood by others in order to be effective. Fact: Though it is always nice to feel supported or understood, others do not have the power to decide what is best for us. Other people do not have to like or agree with our decisions. Each of us is free to determine how we choose to participate in any relationship or situation; no permission or explanation required. 3. Because I tolerated certain situations or behaviors in the past, I don't have the right to set limits in the present. Fact: Boundaries do not have an expiration date. We grow and change and so do our boundaries. Someone I know once worked for a boss who expected his employees to work overtime, with little vacation. This friend never liked working long hours but chose to grin and bear it. However, once she had children, my friend was plagued by constant fear of disappointing either her boss or her family. Her physical and mental health consequently suffered. She ultimately discussed the situation with her employer, who was unwilling to grant flexible hours. After several months of stewing in her own resentment, she ultimately sought employment with a company whose work-life values matched her own--and she was so much happier! Sometimes we must struggle in order to fully know our limits. However, the moment we realize situations or behaviors are harmful or destructive, it is always our prerogative to help ourselves. 4. Boundaries require others to change what they are doing. Fact: Boundaries require us to change what we are doing. We cannot control how someone else thinks, feels, or behaves, but we can control whether or not we choose to be in the presence behavior that is counterproductive. If someone we love is behaving destructively, we may wish for them to change. However, when our feelings indicate the current situation is no longer working, the onus is ours to change it. Remember, boundaries are not about punishing another. They are about protecting ourselves. 5. Someone else's negative reaction to my boundary means that it is "wrong." Fact: Because no two people think, feel, or act the same way all the time, it is common for us to be in conflict with others. Sometimes setting a limit means someone else does not get what s/he wants, which can naturally lead to anger or disappointment. These feelings are not indicators of wrongdoing nor do they suggest a boundary reversal is in order. Knowing who we are and how we want to be treated are prerequisites for healthy connection. We need look no further than our own thoughts and feelings to tell us what is or is not acceptable. The next time you notice yourself feeling angry or resentful, I encourage you to ask yourself how these bodily signals may be inviting you to set a limit in your environment. Knowing you can protect yourself is the key to feeling safe with others. Your thoughts? Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Having trouble with boundaries? Schedule a free consultation to find out more about how counseling or therapy can help you feel safer and more secure!
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AuthorDr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, specializing in grief and divorce. Her coaching and therapy practice is located in the Phinney - Greenwood area of North Seattle in Washington. Archives
May 2021
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