In Part Two of this series, we explore the relationship dynamics most commonly experienced in the immediate aftermath of loss. When we know what to expect, we are more likely to emerge from the turbulent waters of rebound dating relatively unscathed.
Transitional relationships are likely to display one of the following four characteristics. Keep in mind these traits are not mutually exclusive. It is common to find more than one in the same place. 1. "Come Here; Go Away." Within the first year of separation, we either don't know what we want or we (think we) know what we want but are not ready for it. In a relationship, this confusion or uncertainty manifests as a “predictably unpredictable” pattern of highs and lows, where periods of intense closeness are followed by tension, conflict, or withdrawal. It is as if we are inviting (or being invited) closer with one hand while shooing (or being shooed) away with the other. Each partner is attracted to the idea of intimacy but, when the fire's warmth touches newly singed hands, one or both partners quickly retreat. "Come here; go away" keeps partners in a perpetual state of suspended animation. Nothing moves in any direction when we want something equally as much as we fear it. Though logic would convince us otherwise, "come here; go away" relationships are quite difficult to end. Our brains and bodies become dependent upon the adrenaline their breakups and makeups produce--adrenaline which functions as an analgesic for acute grief. To the grief-avoidant, the pain of remaining in the relationship appears less than the pain of ending it. Much like broken lines on a highway, an ambivalent relationship will continue indefinitely until one partner is ready to end it for good. 2. Married or Taken. Human beings attract and are drawn to people who vibrate at a similar emotional frequency. Though our marital status may indicate otherwise, in the first year after loss, we are not really emotionally available. It is for this reason the newly separated cavort with the married or partnered. This usually manifests either as an extramarital affair prior to separation (affairs are sometimes a compelling way out of a marriage that is no longer working) or, post-separation, in the crossing of physical boundaries with a married or partnered acquaintance. Because secret relationships are predicated on deception, each partner, on some level, secretly resents the other. Like the Wicked Witch in the "Wizard of Oz," this darkness will show up at some point down the road, you just don't know which tree it will be hiding behind. Though the nature of forbidden love is quite compelling, it usually results in more destruction than joy; use caution. 3. The Time Warp. There are times, on the golf course of life, we all wish for a mulligan. Compelled by regret to recover what was lost, we choose a partner who, whether by age or developmental life stage, best represents where we were before our last relationship began. Thanks to social media, we may even revisit an old flame looking for new sparks. While reuniting with "the one who got away" is a romantic notion, it is often not long before we realize why it didn't work out the first time. Like toddlers regress with each new developmental task, when faced with the uncertainty of loss, adults also seek solace in what was once safe or familiar. 4. Opposites Attract. After a difficult loss, many will select a partner whose primary asset is that s/he is nothing like our ex. If you found your ex's outgoing personality off-putting, it is likely you will be drawn to a quieter, more reserved mate. If your ex was a spendthrift, fiscal responsibility suddenly shoots to the top of the priority list. For every perceived deprivation, we are compelled to seek an equal, opposite indulgence. However, after we have feasted at the trough of abundance, its spoils are likely to lose their appeal, particularly if we've little else in common with our new partner. (It is also worth noting that, in cases where the ending was not of our choosing, some of us seek partners who closely resemble our exes in physical appearance, personality, or both.) Transitional relationships are like hospitals. No one really wants to be there. We go because the hospital offers us what we cannot yet provide ourselves. Just as hospital stays are meant to be temporary, so too are transitional relationships. This is a hard pill for the acutely grieving to swallow. Often the pain associated with yet another loss (which is typically experienced as failure) compels us to keep transitional relationships on life support past their natural expiration date. Rememeber, there are no mistakes; only learning. Every choice we make is designed to advance our healing and growth. Only when we have learned everything transitional love was meant to teach us will we free ourselves to move beyond it and create lasting connection. Stable people attract stability. In Part Three of this series, we will explore in more detail how to equip your post-loss toolbox with the most powerful implement of all: a solid life of your own! Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Feeling lost after divorce? Schedule a free consultation to find out how therapy or counseling can help you get back on track!
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The ending of a relationship is like a death. Whether we are the leaver or the left, all of us experience acute grief within the first year after it's over. In the existential void created by loss, many of us seek comfort in life's cosmic layaway plan: the transitional relationship. In Part One of this thee-part series, we explore why so many newly separated individuals run, head-first into new love, while onlookers scratch their heads thinking, “Didn’t your partner leave, like, five minutes ago?"
The siren's call of new romance is often heeded for three, perfectly valid reasons. The first one is fear. Though our former relationship no longer worked, the role of boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife was still the reference point upon which we relied for normalcy. When the lighthouse suddenly disappears, we become rudderless in the water. One minute we are confidently rowing toward the shore, the next we are swept out by the current. We are eager to determine the shape of our future, while desperately longing for a past that doesn't fit anymore. We yearn to do what we know (be partnered) but, whether by ours or someone else's choice, we can't do it with the person most familiar. In the insanity of the emotional riptide, who wouldn't want to call in the coast guard? Enter: the transitional lover. The second reason is the shame. We invested so much in our last relationship, its ending must mean something awful about us. We grapple with regret about what could or should have been done. Worried our former partner will be our last, we feverishly go about proving to ourselves that we are lovable and, by God, we will make something work...even if that something more closely resembles a train wreck than the fairy tale for which we are hoping. It is as if there is some mysterious “sell by” date that requires us to take immediate action, lest we reach it, even when our actions make no logical sense whatsoever. And, usually, they don’t. Because feelings don't have brains. Biology is the third reason newly bereft individuals careen toward the dating scene. In the wake of grief, our brain chemistry closely resembles that of a depressed person. In the throws of new romance, the brain produces high levels of two neurotransmitters, called dopamine (the body's natural "feel good drug") and oxytocin (the "cuddle hormone"). I like to refer to this powerful little cocktail as "love crack." While under its blissful influence, we are easily duped into believing our shiny, new romance--our "fresh" start--is an antidote for the pain of loss. Sure, drugs are often accompanied by negative long-term side effects but, like the drunkest person at the party who wrangles the host for his car keys, the critically wounded are often oblivious to their impairment. Our brain chemistry enlists us in righting itself, consequences be damned. The good news is that all of our choices, even the unconscious ones, are necessary for our growth and learning. We will continue to manifest the lessons until we are ready to know them. When we ignore grief's wisdom, grief seeks us, over and over again, until we are ready to hear what it has to say. This is the true spiritual purpose of the transitional relationship. Just as the pain of a broken limb beckons us to rest in a quiet place until it is healed, so too does a broken heart. It's just that grief's panic incites us to do the opposite of what is needed: nothing. The potential for healing resides in stillness. When the flow of grief's tide ebbs, what's left on the sand are precious insights about who we are, independently of the roles we once relied upon. The clearer we are about what is ours and what is not, the better partner we will be in our next relationship. If you've recently experienced a breakup or divorce, while you may feel crazy, this instability is actually a normal, necessary part of the grieving process. If you opt for the cosmic layaway plan, that is okay--any residual lessons will find you at precisely the time you are ready to learn them. We cannot rush or force this process. All of us are all simply choosing what we think we can handle in the moment. As the moment changes, so too might our desire to remain with a person chosen during a time of instability--this is a common transitional relationship phenomenon. Should your healing path require a dip in the waters of transitional dating, in Part Two of this series, we will build a flotation device to help you minimize destruction and maximize meaning. Stay tuned. Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Feeling lost after divorce? Schedule a free consultation to find out how therapy or counseling can help you get back on track!  " "If you rid of all your baggage you will likely float away. But you can't know beauty if you don't know pain." - Craig Minowa Like exit signs on a highway, our emotions are meant to come and go. Most of us want pleasant feelings to last forever, while we fear painful ones will never go away. Unfortunately, good feelings are not meant to last. Fortunately, bad ones aren't either! Like the weather, our emotional states are in constant flux. The more we are willing to be with painful feelings as they arise, the faster they resolve themselves.
So how do we do this? Every dark feeling has a voice. Each voice tells a story. Each story feels real but is not true. Identifying the stories of your dark emotions without interpreting them as facts about yourself is a crucial step toward unconditional self-love. So what are some of the dark emotions and how can you recognize them? Let's take a look: 1. Fear: Fear usually keeps our minds occupied with infinite questions or statements that start with "What if." Like a hamster on a wheel, we travel the cul-de-sac of worry hoping, this time, it will lead somewhere different. I like to think of worry as the mind's innocent way convincing itself it can prevent bad things from happening. I have yet to witness a tragedy preempted by worry, but I have seen it rob plenty of joy in the present moment. There is no such thing as a fearful person; only a person who feels fear. 2. Self doubt: Self-doubt is often the conclusion we draw as a result of fear. We are faced with something unfamiliar, we feel afraid, and, sometimes tell ourselves we simply cannot do it. Fear and self-doubt are constant traveling companions: where you find one, you find the other. When we are afraid, it is hard to trust our capability. There is no such thing as a an incapable person; only a person who feels self-doubt. 3. Hopelessness: Our own personal harbinger of doom, hopelessness suggests it is pointless to try anything because nothing will work. Keep an ear out for "always" and "never" (e.g., "Things will never change." or, "I will always feel this way."). These are signs hopelessness is on board. Try and remember that wherever you are is just a stop along the highway; it will pass. There is no such thing as a hopeless person; only a person who feels hopeless. 4. Guilt: Guilt shows up on the scene when we believe we have done something wrong. It beckons us to look closer at how we are behaving but it is not always an indication of wrongdoing. The next time you notice yourself thinking or saying, "I feel badly about...," ask yourself if you are willfully disrespecting yourself, your fellow humans or their personal property. If so, then let guilt be the impetus for changing your behavior. If not, you've suffered enough. Consider forgiving yourself for whatever it is you are telling yourself you could or should have done differently. There is no such thing as a guilty person; only a person who feels guilty. 5. Regret: Regret is predicated on the impossible: the ability to undo what's been done. It assumes we could have or should have known better. Pay attention to the next time you start a thought or sentence with, "If only I..," or "What was I thinking?" Replace these statements with, "I did the best I could with the information I had when I decided [insert your choice here]. I learned from this decision. I choose to move forward by letting go of all regret associated with this choice." There is no "better." Even when it brings us hardship, every choice is a learning opportunity. Each prior action has helped you become the person you are now. In this moment, exactly as you are, you are worthy of your own love and acceptance. There is no such thing as a regretful person; only a person who feels regret. 6. Envy: Envy is meant to focus our attention on what is missing from our lives. It burns as we witness someone else manifesting things we want but don't have. It is often met with guilt and dismissed with judgment: "It is wrong to feel this way when something good happens to someone I love." Acknowledge envy without allowing yourself to act upon it in an unloving way. Sharing in others' joy will generate more of your own. There is no such thing as an envious person; only a person who feels envy. 7. Jealousy: Jealousy is the child inside who divides the world into factions of "mine" and "not mine." He feels threatened when he sees his "possessions" allotted to another. This child needs only to be reminded there is plenty of love to go around. Though we often feel least deserving of loving reassurance when we feel jealous, this is actually a time when we most need it. There is no such thing as a jealous person; only a person who feels jealousy. 7. Shame: Shame tells us seductive stories about our value: we are not this enough, we are too that, or why can't we be different altogether? No dark emotion runs quite as deep as shame. Its roots extend back to a time we were made to feel insignificant by people who were supposed to love and accept us. Shame is a skilled orator--it spins a sticky and convincing web of lies about our worth. Don't believe these lies! You are worthy. You are deserving. You are lovable. There is no such thing as a shameful person; only a person who feels shame. All emotions deserve a sympathetic and loving ear. Hold your dark emotions with an open hand and, like the others, they will pass. We are not what we feel. Dark emotions are merely indicators of our aliveness: we must know darkness to fully live in the light. Your thoughts? Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Having trouble managing your dark emotions? Schedule a free consultation to find out how therapy or counseling can help you feel better!
Shopping for a therapist or counselor can be a little like shopping for shoes. The therapy fit is determined by how well our own personal style aligns with that of our treatment provider. Just as there is no wrong way to shop for shoes, there is no wrong way to shop for a therapist.
Here is a brief sketch of a few core therapy modalities to help you determine what kind of treatment might be right for you. Some therapists work exclusively with thoughts and behaviors to help clients ameliorate their symptoms. This approach (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy or CBT) works particularly well with circumscribed issues (e.g., OCD, panic disorder, specific phobias, etc.) and is often solution-focused. CBT is a good fit for folks who are hoping to ameliorate their symptoms without delving too deeply into the feelings associated with these symptoms. CBT therapists usually expect patients to work independently between sessions; homework is often given for this purpose. Because the focus of CBT is mostly on thoughts and behaviors, this modality may not be ideal for those who are looking to know themselves and to be understood by their therapist at a deeper level. By looking closely at the past, Psychodynamic psychotherapy helps clients gain insight into why they do what they do. Psychodynamic psychotherapy endeavors to reveal thoughts, feelings, and issues that reside in our unconscious minds, hoping conscious awareness of these entities will produce desired change. Psychodynamic therapy can be useful for those who wish to delve deeper into their emotional world to find a greater understanding of what motivates their behavior. It has been my experience that, while understanding can be useful, often it is not quite enough to inspire lasting behavioral change. In recent years, the use of mindfulness in therapy is becoming more widespread, with promising results. Mindfulness-based therapies help clients examine, without judgement, like puzzle pieces, their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to determine how each plays a role in their present-day lives. When clients understand and honor each piece's contribution, they are better able to rearrange the pieces to optimize for personal growth. Mindfulness-based therapy is predicated on radical acceptance, with the understanding that fully embracing ourselves as we are is a crucial step toward figuring out where we want to be. Though most mindfulness-based therapies take the past into consideration, the primary focus is on the present moment, both inside and outside the therapy room. This is the modality that best describes my approach. Though prospective clients often ask what modality or approach I use, over the years, I have found that methods and modalities matter less than most people think. What clients really value is how they feel in the presence of the therapist. In fact, studies have shown the therapeutic alliance is the most effective predictor of how people will do in therapy. Though your therapist may be a well-respected expert in his or her field, if you find it difficult to personally connect with him or her, it is unlikely the therapy will be effective. So what do you do with all of this information? First, simply notice how your body responded to each modality description. If you found yourself leaning forward in curiosity while reading about one specific modality or another, this is your body's way of guiding you toward the approach that is right for you. Knowing what modality of therapy you think would be most beneficial will help narrow your search for a therapist. Once you've found a few therapists who use your preferred approach, I encourage you to spend a few moments on the phone or in person with each prospective therapist. Notice how you respond to each therapist or counselor. Ask yourself the following questions:
Your thoughts? Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Like what you see here? Chances are we may be a good therapy or counseling fit. Schedule a free consultation now! |
AuthorDr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, specializing in grief and divorce. Her coaching and therapy practice is located in the Phinney - Greenwood area of North Seattle in Washington. Archives
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