DR. JILL GROSS
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Unprotected: Five Reasons We Don't Set Limits

3/31/2016

10 Comments

 
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"No is a complete sentence."
- Anne Lamott

Relationship issues are among the most common reasons people seek therapy, counseling, or coaching. When things aren't functioning optimally in our relational world, everything can seem off-kilter. No matter how varied the details of each situation, often, the root cause of relationship tension lies in the setting and maintaining of appropriate boundaries.

Personal boundaries foster safety and well-being in relationships. They are the physical, emotional, and mental guidelines we follow when teaching others how to treat us. 


When we are raised in households where healthy boundaries were neither modeled nor encouraged, it can be difficult to tell the difference between what boundaries are and what they are not, rendering us less likely to take appropriate action when it is needed. Here are the top five erroneous beliefs that get in the way of healthy limit-setting in relationships:

1:  Boundary-setting is an act of disrespect, aggression, or punishment.
Fact: Boundaries are protection, not punishment. It is up to each of us to determine what we will or will not tolerate. It is our responsibility to assert our boundaries (calmly and respectfully) and to disengage when they are not respected. Failure to honor our limits breeds resentment. Resentment may seem like it's about what another person is or is not doing, but it is actually our body's way of signaling us to set an appropriate limit and stick to it. Resentment occurs when we expect someone else to take better care of us than we take of ourselves.

2. Boundaries need to be explained, justified, or understood by others in order to be effective. 
Fact: Though it is always nice to feel supported or understood, others do not have the power to decide what is best for us. Other people do not have to like or agree with our decisions. Each of us is free to determine how we choose to participate in any relationship or situation; no permission or explanation required.

3. Because I tolerated certain situations or behaviors in the past, I don't have the right to set limits in the present.
Fact: Boundaries do not have an expiration date. We grow and change and so do our boundaries. Someone I know once worked for a boss who expected his employees to work overtime, with little vacation. This friend never liked working long hours but chose to grin and bear it. However, once she had children, my friend was plagued by constant fear of disappointing either her boss or her family. Her physical and mental health consequently suffered. She ultimately discussed the situation with her employer, who was unwilling to grant flexible hours. After several months of stewing in her own resentment, she ultimately sought employment with a company whose work-life values matched her own--and she was so much happier! 

Sometimes we must struggle in order to fully know our limits. However, the moment we realize situations or behaviors are harmful or destructive, it is always our prerogative to help ourselves.

4. Boundaries require others to change what they are doing.
Fact: Boundaries require us to change what we are doing. We cannot control how someone else thinks, feels, or behaves, but we can control whether or not we choose to be in the presence behavior that is counterproductive.

If someone we love is behaving destructively, we may wish for them to change. However, when our feelings indicate the current situation is no longer working, the onus is ours to change it. Remember, boundaries are not about punishing another. They are about protecting ourselves.

5. Someone else's negative reaction to my boundary means that it is "wrong."
Fact: Because no two people think, feel, or act the same way all the time, it is common for us to be in conflict with others. Sometimes setting a limit means someone else does not get what s/he wants, which can naturally lead to anger or disappointment. These feelings are not indicators of wrongdoing nor do they suggest a boundary reversal is in order. 

Knowing who we are and how we want to be treated are prerequisites for healthy connection. We need look no further than our own thoughts and feelings to tell us what is or is not acceptable. The next time you notice yourself feeling angry or resentful, I encourage you to ask yourself how these bodily signals may be inviting you to set a limit in your environment. Knowing you can protect yourself is the key to feeling safe with others.

Your thoughts?

​
Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA.  

Having trouble with boundaries?  Schedule a free consultation to find out more about how counseling or therapy can help you feel safer and more secure!
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Mourning The Living

3/13/2016

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“Was it always to be like this? she wondered. A moment of joy followed by a new sorrow?” 
― Soheir Khashoggi
​When my children were old enough to understand figurative speech, I conveyed to them two choices: love to ski or find a new mom. I have skied with them since they were old enough to walk. They are now twelve and fourteen.

With each trip to the mountain, I watched their confidence grow. First the bunny hill, then the intermediate slope, always with Mom watching and waiting uphill as they wrangled their way down the mountain. An errant pole here, a lost ski there, a mitten on the lam. And don't get me started with the chaotic delegation of wind and waterproof gear. "Whose ski pants are those? We just got those boots last week--of course they still fit! Where's your ____ (insert ridiculously overpriced, lost Gor-tex item here)?" There were many times it was certainly more labor than love.

Often, I thought, "I cannot wait for the day they can do this on their own."

Apparently, that day came in February of 2016. As we were gearing up to hit the mountain, I realized there were no tearful cries for help from the backseat. No frustrated pleas for skis to be carried through the parking lot. Just a petulant, "Hurry up, mom! Geez."

Then, smooth as butter, they made their way down the hill, patiently waiting as I plodded along behind them. After a morning of shredding the terrain together, the unthinkable happened: the kids asked if they could take the rest of the afternoon to ski by themselves. As in without me.

Initially, my chest swelled with pride as they boarded the lift, all smiles and giggles. The two kids who once complained about cold hands and heavy equipment now trusted themselves enough to fly solo. As the summit fog carried their chair from view, the balloon in my chest became a grapefruit in my throat. The day I once longed for had finally arrived yet, instead of jumping for joy, I stood, paralyzed, wondering if the full-on ugly cry would be visible through my UV-reflective ski goggles. Today, the hill; tomorrow, college. It was a little bit heartbreaking.

Most of us associate grief with tangible loss: the death of a pet or loved one, the ending of a relationship with something, someone, or someplace. But what of life's subtle losses? Any well-adjusted parent knows it's right to foster independence, yet nothing can prepare us for the cosmic sucker punch of its sudden emergence. We rejoice when they walk, talk, and feed themselves, but do we take time to grieve the last freely given hug, packed lunch, or purchased Lego set?

With each of life's milestones, it is important to celebrate what is gained, but also to mourn what is lost. Making space for both joy and sorrow helps pave the way for gratitude. A grateful heart is an open heart.

Later that day, from the lift, I caught a glimpse of my kids. From above, I witnessed ecstatic hoots and Cheshire grins as they effortlessly zoomed through trees and over moguls. Seeing their confident faces helped assuage my fear and sadness. "They've got this," I thought, "and so do you."


Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA.  

​Feeling sad about the changes in your life?  Schedule a free consultation to find out how therapy or counseling can help.
​
Schedule Your Free Consultation Now
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Decoding The Mystery Of The Transitional Relationship - Part 3

3/7/2016

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“It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for that long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security.” 
― 
Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Rebuilding After Loss
In Parts One and Two of this series, we examined the primary reasons most of us choose to date in the immediate aftermath of loss and what to expect from dating within the first year of separation. Today, we will focus on the importance of creating a solid life, independent of relationship status.

Stable people attract stable people. When we are deeply rooted in own lives, we are better prepared to endure the fickle winds of the dating scene. With this in mind, here are some reminders and tips to consider:

  • Time takes time. Just as it took a while for your former partner to become a reference point, so too will it take time to become your own. While there are no concrete rules about how long it takes to heal, there is something important about the first calendar year. Encountering each birthday, anniversary, and/or tradition formerly associated with our ex reminds us we are moving on. Moving on from someone we once deeply cared about can be a loss in and of itself, so it's okay to have mixed feelings as the wound closes.
  • Get Active. Emotions are a physical process. By moving our bodies, we can literally move through grief. You don’t have to climb a mountain or run a marathon. Set a small goal for yourself and make it happen. When we take care of ourselves physically, we feel better mentally.
  • Explore Interests. People with interests are interesting people. When we are doing what we love, we shine at our brightest frequency, so now is a great time to develop this part of you life. Plant that garden you've dreamt about or knit your niece the sweater you promised her three years ago. If you're unsure of where to start, think of all of the things you fantasized about doing while you were with your partner and try doing them by yourself. This may be sad or sentiment-filled at first. That is okay--change is hard. Each time we overcome the challenge of doing something new on our own, we gain confidence. And confidence is definitely something you want to bring to any future first date!
  • Meet new people. It is important to forge relationships with people who have no investment in your prior relationship. We don’t have to sever long-standing ties; we simply get to make news ones. Wondering where to start? Meetup.com is a community-building organization that puts like-minded individuals in touch with one another. Don't see a meetup group for your area of interest? Create one! What better way to fill the hours once occupied by your former partner than establishing a solid social support network of your own? What's more, any well-adjusted future mate will find it attractive if you have your own friends.
  • Trust more and confide often. Speaking of social support networks, this is the time to lean into yours. Think about the people in your life who know the real you and love you because of it. Speak the contents of your heart with these people; they will keep you upright when your legs give out. Furthermore, because loss sometimes shines its light on unhealed grief from the past, you may need more than what friends or family can provide. Should this happen, consider enlisting a qualified psychologist, therapist, or counselor to help you sort things out.
  • Feel. Remember that fear, self-doubt, and loneliness are the normal emotional byproducts of single life. These feelings do not make you pathetic; they make you human. Try to feel your feelings without letting them define you. If you get overwhelmed, redirect your attention to your breath. Your breath is always there, inviting you to return to the present moment when fear of the unknown looms large. Even though you may not feel okay right now, you are okay. ​
  • Keep Going. It is important to keep reminding yourself you already know how to live! No matter how hard it may seem, stay connected with the parts of your life you associate with normalcy, namely work, school, caring for minor children, etc. Better to feel sad while surrounded by the people and activities that give your life meaning than to be alone on your couch eating ice cream and watching bad nineties sitcom reruns. At first, you will feel as if you are simply going through the motions. Hang in there. It will get better!

Often, I am asked by the acutely grieving when the whole ordeal will be over. Grief unfolds on its own timeline and healing is retrospective. Often we must consider where we have been to fully appreciate how far we have come. Fortunately, it is not necessary to know how long something will last to keep choosing the next best step. Like a fawn on wobbly legs, we will stumble; this is normal. Each time we get back up again, we prove we are stronger than our pain.

Once we have (mostly) healed, the intensity of transitional love will start to lose its appeal. The day will come when we are no longer able to imagine being with the very person we once thought we couldn't live without. It is then we are truly ready for lasting connection. In the meantime, remember we are all doing our best to get where we are going. Be patient, kind, and honest with yourself as you work to transform your old life shape into a newer, stronger one!

If you have any questions about what you have encountered in this three-part series, feel free to ask them in the comments section below. Or, if you prefer to have your questions answered in a more private forum, click here!


Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA.  

Feeling lost after divorce?  Schedule a free consultation to find out how therapy or counseling can help you get back on track!

Schedule Your Free Consultation Now
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    Seattle psychologist grief counselor and dating coach in Phinney Greenwood North Seattle

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    Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, grief counselor, and dating coach. Her coaching and therapy practice is located in the Phinney - Greenwood area of North Seattle in Washington. 

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jill@drjillgross.com


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  • Home
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    • Bio
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