Conflict. The other 'c' word. We've all been there: twisted guts, sweaty palms, a sense of impending doom. Though, on the surface, it may seem we are afraid of another's anger, more often than not, we fear our own. Threatened by the power of our own anger, in conflict, we typically do one or more of the following: 1. Withdraw 2. Erupt in a fit of regrettable behavior 3. Quietly smolder with resentment We respond this way, not so others will pay attention to us, but so we will pay attention to ourselves. What we refuse to acknowledge comes to us as fate. When we attempt to close the door on anger, it knocks louder until we turn toward it. In our fight to eschew conflict we beckon it closer, usually in ways that do not serve us. Welcome conflict to the table and it will leave when its message is heard. A few years ago, a friend was criticized by her supervisor in front of her coworkers. Angry and humiliated, her head became flooded with vengeful fantasies of quitting her job (in a dramatic blaze of glory), insulting her boss, or deflating the tires of his new Maserati. It felt wrong to act on these thoughts, but it felt equally wrong to do nothing. Instead of communicating with her boss about the incident, she started showing up late for work and missing important deadlines. Her boss inquired about her change in behavior and the two had a productive conversation. Had this conversation never happened, my friend certainly would have been fired, fanning the flames of a victim story that undermined her strength. Then next time you find yourself at interpersonal odds, here are six steps to help you get from frustrated to free: 1. Identify the rub. When you feel the gut punch of anger, stop. Count to ten (or 100). Break down the offensive interaction into factual steps and identify the resulting feelings. As you do this, avoid giving away your power with assumptions about the other person (e.g., "He said that because he's got it out for me!"). Stick to the facts as you experienced them. In the example above, my friend felt hurt, angry, and humiliated because negative feedback was given to her, in front of her peers, without her prior consent. 2. Determine the goal. You know what happened and how you felt about it, now it's time to figure out what you want the outcome of the conflict to be. My friend wanted to avoid future embarrassment in department meetings. Though she could not control how her boss behaved, she could give him the information needed to avoid repeating the same scenario. 3. Determine the ask. Figure out what question or questions that, if asked, could help achieve the goal and/or provide greater clarity. My friend wanted to ask her boss to schedule a private meeting should he have feedback about her performance in the future. 4. Determine the audience. Once you know what questions to ask, identify the person who most needs to hear them and set up a time to talk, face-to-face. Make a statement of the facts as you experienced them. Then share the ask. Unless doing so would compromise your personal safety, always address conflict at its source. 5. Listen. Having asked the appropriate questions with the desired outcome in mind, it's time to sit back and listen. Keep an open mind and give others the benefit of the doubt. You'll be so much happier with the outcome! Please note that it is never okay to yell or name call. You are entitled to end a conversation when these behaviors are present. Step away, breathe, and revisit the discussion when both you and the other party are calm. 6. Watch and wait. You've honored your anger by listening and responding appropriately to its message. So what now? Sit tight and observe. If either the situation of your outlook about it improves, you have achieved resolution. If the situation remains the same, consider repeating steps 1-5 and see what happens. There will be times when nothing changes, despite our best efforts. This is actually a gift. Some conflicts are meant to help us change course altogether. Conflict should be a temporary stop along the way; not a permanent destination. If you're spending more time in conflict than contentment, it is time to consider walking away. If you've tried everything and nothing seems to be working, consider seeking professional guidance from a qualified therapist or counselor. Your peace of mind is worth the effort! Because no two people think, act, or feel alike, there will be relationship discord from time to time. In honoring anger, we care for ourselves. In opening to conflict, we care for our relationships. Follow the steps above. Time and life will sort the rest out for you. Got a good conflict resolution story? I'd love to read about it in the comments section below. Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Need help resolving conflict? Schedule a risk-free consultation to find out how therapy or counseling can help you get from "frustrated" to FREE!
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For many real-time relationship seekers, online dating sites are like bad cocktail parties--crawling with guests whom, by virtue of undiagnosed mental illness, addiction, or just plain bad manners, we would be better off never seeing again.
This does not, however, prevent those who no longer wish to trawl the local watering holes for love from casting wide virtual nets. We hope, this time, amidst the soggy leather boot, rusted tuna can, and weathered styrofoam cup, there might actually be a live one vigorously flopping about. It only takes just one. We've all experienced that moment where we realize the party ended about an hour before we left. The lights go up, the wrong people are making out with each other, and your boss, a few too many in the bag, starts telling you about last year's company fishing trip--for the third time! Online dating is no different. The first few weeks can be fun. "HunkOLove69" seems like a decent prospect, until you realize he is holding a dead fish and sporting an intoxicated blond on his arm who is probably not his sister. Needless to say, after the seventeenth lackluster coffee meetup with the HunkOLove69(s) of the online dating world, most of us are dying to get off the roller coaster of hope and disappointment. (Sidebar: Ladies, I strongly advise against messaging or responding to anyone over twenty-five with a username that remotely resembles 'HunkOLove69' and/or whose profile features either exes or dead things. Trust me on this one.) Here's how to tell when it's time to conclude your current online dating chapter: 1. All profiles start to look the same or you cannot remember whom you met where. When you cannot remember if you hit it off with Billy the bartender or Eddie the engineer, it could be time to step away and reset. None of us is our best self when we are so overloaded with information we cannot fully experience the person sitting across from us. Both you and the people you meet deserve to get the best version of you. A short vacation from online dating can reacquaint you with your best self. 2. You spend more time doubting yourself and your future. This is a tough one. While it is normal to feel disappointed or unsure about what the future holds, if you spend an increasing amount of time questioning whether you have what it takes to sustain a relationship, it is time to pause for fresh air and a new perspective. There is someone out there for you and you are worth the time it takes to meet him or her! 3. You feel jaded. Jadedness can easily creep in when the negative experiences outweigh the positive. When you start hearing yourself say things like, “All of the good ones are taken.” or “All guys/girls online are either crazy or defective,” or anything like this, step back for a few weeks (or a few months) and reestablish a curious mind. Online daters enjoy their experiences more when they approach prospective dates with openness, not foregone conclusions about damaged goods. 4. You experience a noticeable lack of interest in reaching out, responding to messages, or scheduling dates. When you start ignoring or not caring about the entire experience, this is usually a response to feeling jaded (see above). It's time to take the bench for a bit. 5. You're getting fewer and fewer visits and messages. Just as real estate agents see the most activity within the first few weeks of a listing, so too do online daters. We humans love bright, shiny objects. The newer your profile, the more visits and messages you will receive. It is normal to see action decrease significantly after a few weeks. If you are paying for a site subscription, I recommend signing up month-to-month and taking every other month off. Use the offline months to tuck into your own life (i.e., do more of what you love and spend time with the people who matter), rework your profile language, and upload fun new pictures. Changing up your profile and re-listing it after thirty days will do wonders for generating new traffic! So, what now? Most clients panic when I suggest they take a break from online dating, citing “What if the right person is out there and I miss him or her because my profile is hidden?” Most sentences that begin with “What if” are fear-based. Fear is not a good reason to continue a process that isn't working for you. Fear leads to places we are guaranteed not to find what we seek, so you are wasting your precious time if you choose to remain online for this reason. There is no such thing as “right person, wrong time.” If you are meant to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right online, he or she will be active and emotionally available at precisely the time you are; trust fate. We cannot rush or force outcomes. Simply show up, make an effort, and pause when rest is needed. Have faith in yourself and you will get where you need to go. Ok. Enough about my thoughts--let's hear yours! When did you know it was time to take a break from online dating? Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Online dating got you down? Schedule a free consultation and learn how to date like a boss!
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As a therapist, I often hear many different versions of, "If my partner/friend/family member would do more of this or less of that, I would be SO MUCH happier." Seems many of us believe the road to contentment is paved with another's intentions. When a loved one's behavior is overtly destructive, would a change likely do everyone some good? Sure. However, when we focus exclusively on someone else's motivations or actions, we forfeit our own power to affect change. A pointed finger merely identifies the person to whom we have relinquished it. Emotionally intense (heated) and/or familiar (repeated) arguments hold the key to identifying and resolving the childhood wounds that obstruct intimacy. The heated and repeated words we speak are usually (a) the words we needed to say at the time the wound was created (but we were too small or vulnerable to speak them), (b) what we most needed to hear from the person or people who initially hurt us, or (c) the words we are speaking about and for ourselves. Each time we notice and respond lovingly to our words in the present moment, we move toward healing the past. Each repetitive argument is life's way of asking us to clear the obstacles that keep us from loving more freely. Partners cannot clear these obstacles for us; we must do it ourselves. I know; I've been there. I once struggled in a relationship with someone who did not know how to respectfully treat others. After months of fruitless pleas for him to change, I realized I was the one who was being disrespectful: of him by expecting he morph into someone he wasn't and of myself for ignoring my own words. It was I who had to change. Over time, I came to appreciate how choosing an unhealthy relationship was a necessary part of learning to respect myself. Had I continued to direct my energy toward someone else's behavior, this lesson would have been missed entirely. The next time you find yourself shouting something you've said more than three times, I encourage you to accept life's invitation. Listen to your words. Love yourself by respecting your own words. Your words are a testament to your strength. Your words will tell you everything you need to know. Your thoughts? Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Feeling worn down by your own heated and repeated arguments? Schedule a free consultation to find out what these arguments may be trying to teach YOU! |
AuthorDr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, specializing in grief and divorce. Her coaching and therapy practice is located in the Phinney - Greenwood area of North Seattle in Washington. Archives
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