Seattle Phinney Grief Counseling and Therapy Blog

7 Hidden Long-term Truths About Divorce

11/10/2019

"True forgiveness is when you can say, 'Thank you for that experience.'"

- Oprah Winfrey

Over the years I have encountered numerous myths and misconceptions about divorce-related grief, the most common of which is the notion that it is linear, logical and finite. We expect grief to peak immediately after separation, then slowly subside until, perhaps a few months later, we are mostly pain-free. If only that were true!

Separation and divorce shakes our snow globe, causing its vulnerable particles to erratically float around with no end in sight. So it's no wonder that any human being would want those particles to settle quickly, in an orderly, predictable way.

Unmet grief expectations are frequently construed as failure. We don't feel the way we think we should, so we conclude that we are not "doing it right." This adds unnecessary suffering to pain.

We can create a more accepting relationship with ourselves and our grief when we understand its true nature. To that end, I have created the following list of often-experienced-but-rarely-discussed, long-term emotional truths about divorce:

The marriage may have ended but, when you share children, the relationship with your ex is never over. Children are a life-long tie to an ex, the effects of which are inversely correlated with the age of the children. In other words, the younger the children, the more parents must communicate and coordinate with their exes. Even in adulthood, there will be important milestones to celebrate, each one carrying with it a potential uptick in divorce-related grief, long past the point at which we tell ourselves we have "gotten over" the divorce.
Blame prolongs grief. Blaming your ex may make you feel good in the short term, but it stymies healing and stunts emotional growth. All relationships are co-created. Every partner is a teacher. Blaming your ex detracts from the important lessons she/he/they were meant to teach you.
Divorce guilt is a thing. Any divorced parent can attest to this. Guilt will wax and wane over the years, with a propensity to spike during milestones (birthdays, holidays, etc.), rites of passage (graduations, bar mitzvahs, weddings, etc.) and/or when the children are struggling. Even when struggles are normal and age-appropriate, divorced parents will typically wonder about the degree to which any of those struggles are related to the divorce.
We can miss something (or someone) we don’t want anymore. Grief is a repeated process of holding, simultaneously, truths that feel mutually exclusive but are not. We can long for the intact family, even when we know the marriage wasn’t viable. We can yearn for someone or something that isn’t good for us. All of this is true. And, when we encounter those "mutually exclusive" emotional truths, they can confuse us.
Divorce is a living finish. Just as newly-minted brass, when exposed to the elements, changes texture and color, so too does divorce. For instance, a good friend of mine went through a highly-contentious divorce when her only child was three. Fifteen years (and a lot of healing) later, she and her son's father were able to share a peaceful and pleasant graduation celebration with their son. When we are in intense pain, it’s easy to extrapolate that things will always be this sad, this angry, this difficult etc. They won’t. With time and good intentions, even the sharpest edges can and will soften.
Holidays are hard. September through December, advertisers feed us a steady diet of happy couples, frolicking in the snow in front of gift wrapped European sports cars (which they can only afford because one is not paying the other spousal maintenance or child support). We see starry-eyed, footy pajama-clad toddlers (products of happy, intact marriages no doubt) in front of bedazzled Christmas trees (that are erected in the one and only house that toddler lives in). Folks with shared custody may not see their children every holiday. Some may see their kids every holiday but only for part of the time. What's more, there are extended networks of people we love but no longer see (ex in-laws, mutual friends, etc.). How we think the holidays should be and how they actually are for divorced people can leave any single-parent feeling as if their family or their life is defective. Holidays never stop hurting. We simply learn to live with the sting.
Forgiveness is a choice we make, over and over again. This one is a doozy. Many of us believe forgiveness is something we do once, to make the other person feel better. This is untrue. Forgiveness is like yoga. We do it for ourselves, regularly, so that we can achieve greater emotional strength and flexibility. Forgiveness does not mean we condone hurtful behavior nor does it mean that we grant all-access passes to those who have injured us. We are always free to protect ourselves with appropriate boundaries. Forgiveness a choice to divest our energy from a past we cannot change and, instead, place it in the present moment. It is here, now, that we have the most potential to create the life we want. One final note about forgiveness. If you are holding on to bitterness about the divorce, chances are high it is you, not your ex, who most deserves to be forgiven.

If you’re still reading this, I imagine you may wondering what can be done to help mitigate the pain of these truths.

One of the most important things we can do, post-divorce, is clarify our values (e.g., family, commitment to service, personal accountability, kindness toward others, etc.) and commit to living those values.

This sounds simple. But it is not always easy. Furthermore, habits of intentional living take time--sometimes years--to develop. Now is the time to be kind and patient with yourself.

Keep in mind that few roads are perfectly smooth or straight. If you find yourself straying from your values, recommit to them. Repeat this process as many times as needed.

Finally, keep in mind that the presence of difficult emotion does not signify the absence of coping. All emotions, even the unpleasant ones, signify our humanity. Feelings are a normal, natural part of any living finish.

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce consultation, co-parenting support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. If you would like help coping with the long-term emotional impact of divorce, follow the link below to schedule a free consultation.

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How To Communicate With A Co-parent Who Won't Communicate

12/13/2018

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"Think of it as an important business project; you don’t always love the person that you’re working with, but you work together to get the project done. Co-parents need to adopt this same business model when co-parenting their children."

-Kela Price

Season's greetings, everyone!

Since the last blog post, I received a letter from one divorced reader who is struggling with a question frequently seen in my therapy practice, not only among separated or divorced individuals, but with married and single people as well: "how do I communicate effectively with a 'slow-or-no' responder"?

Slow-or-no responders are folks who take an unusually long amount of time to reply to emails, texts, or phone calls (if they reply at all), even when the issue at hand requires their input.

If you've ever tried to make plans with a slow-or-no responder, this reader's frustration will sound familiar.

Fear not! The suggested tips below are a sure fire way to free yourself from the slow-to-no response trap.

Enjoy and happy holidays!

Dear Dr. Jill,

I have a communication-related question.

Some background:

My ex and I have been living apart for almost three years. We have three children. They are 6, 8, and 11. For the most part, we see eye-to-eye. We usually keep it cordial and civil.

Because we have three children, there are lots of details to keep track of. Two kids in soccer and one in piano. When we were married, I was the one who took the kids to their medical appointments, practices, recitals, and such.

Since we separated, the one place we struggle most is with communication. Between the two of us, I have the more flexible work schedule. This means I am on the front lines with pick ups and drop offs, appointment scheduling, etc. Sometimes this coordination requires her consent and/or her participation. That is where we clang heads.

When I make a request, it takes days—even a week—to hear back from her. Sometimes I get no response. One time, our oldest son missed an important school outing because my ex didn’t get back to me in time.

Our parenting plan says that all major decisions will be jointly made. So I'm kind of stuck here.

I’ve tried to talk with her about this issue. She usually either gets defensive or says she’s working on it and promises to do better. With one or two exceptions, things have stayed status quo.

I’m wondering if this is something you’ve helped clients with and, if so, can you give me some pointers for how to deal with it?

Sincerely,
Frustrated Co-parent

Dear Frustrated,

Sounds like this experience has neatly nestled you, right between a rock and a hard place! Making joint decisions with someone who won't decide, can be frustrating. Knowing and communicating boundaries is the most effective way to free yourself from what I like to call the "slow-to-no response trap."

When coordinating with someone who is slow to respond (or who doesn't respond at all), with each request, it is important to communicate three things: the ask, the expected response time, and what you will plan to do if you do not hear anything back from her.

Here is an example of what this kind of communication looks or sounds like:

"Hi Brenda,

I just received notice of a mandatory work meeting that is scheduled to take place tomorrow evening, when the kids are scheduled to be with me. I am wondering if you would be willing to pick the kids up from aftercare and keep them until I can pick them up at 8:00 p.m.? If you would please let me know by 6:00 tonight, that would be great. If I don't hear anything back by then, I will find an alternate arrangement.

Thank you,
Jim"

By communicating a clear time frame and a pre-determined backup plan, any potential for Jim to feel burdened by slow-or-no response is removed.

Differences like the one described in your letter are common among divorced co-parents. It is for precisely this reason that some parenting plans include a clause which stipulates that, after a written request is sent, the responding party must provide an answer within a pre-specified amount of time, after which, if no response is received, the requesting party is free to make a decision. Ideally, the parenting plan would also stipulate different response times for matters that are considered urgent (e.g., medical emergencies, school-related activities, important deadlines, etc.).

If your parenting plan contains this language, I suggest calmly reminding your ex (by phone if possible—the tone of email can easily get misinterpreted) of the agreed upon timeline(s). Once you’ve referenced the agreement, it is up to you to abide by its terms. In so doing, any future disregard for the documented timeline, by either party, will be construed as permission to proceed.

If your parenting document does not include the aforementioned clause, I recommend including it, ad hoc. Though you can choose to do this via the legal system, if you and your ex are pretty good about adhering to agreements, legal intervention may not be necessary.

Let your ex know that you would like to work with her to come up with a response timeline that each of you will follow, for both urgent and non-urgent situations. Once this agreement is in place, write it down. Keep a copy for yourself and provide your ex with a copy to refer to in the future.

After the agreement is in place, stick to it. When solo decisions are made, send a courtesy follow up email so your ex is in the loop.

One final tip. Though it won't always be possible, whenever you see an opportunity to free yourself of the slow-or-no-response game, take it. Try to minimize the number of appointments, activities, and events that require cross-coordinate between you and your ex. One way to do this is to schedule kid-related activities only on your own residential time.

Hopefully these tips will help free you up to do more of what you do best: love your children. Good luck!

Yours In Health,
Dr. Jill

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers divorce consultation, co-parenting support, grief therapy, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Struggling to communicate with an ex? Schedule a free consultation to see how divorce counseling and co-parent support can help you create the co-parenting relationship your children deserve.

Schedule Now

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How To Build A Strong Co-parenting Relationship (Even When You Don't Really Feel Like It)

10/20/2018

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Divorce and co-parenting counseling support consultation

"Taking a thing apart is always faster than putting something together. This is true of everything except marriage."

- Joe Hill

Compartmentalization is the psychological curtain that slides closed when our feelings get too messy, uncomfortable, or inconvenient. Find compartmentalization and you will often find judgment--for the CEO who delivers inspirational speeches to shareholders from whom he is bilking millions. For the spouse who kisses her unsuspecting husband goodnight before heading downstairs to check the Tinder account. It’s easy to judge compartmentalization when it is used to facilitate subpar behavior.

But every card has two sides.

When used appropriately, compartmentalization can help divorcing spouses build and maintain a constructive co-parenting relationship.

Figuring out how to divide time with children, financial resources, and possessions can be a Herculean task, especially when one person neither asked for nor wanted the divorce. It's common for exes to become triggers or targets for anger--sometimes even rage.

Anger, like all dark emotions, serves a specific purpose.

In divorce, anger can help us forge the distance needed to heal the wounds of loss. Furthermore, when channeled appropriately, anger can fuel the rocket ship that propels us toward a new, post-divorce life.

But here’s where things get tricky.

The most reliable predictor of children’s post-divorce adjustment is how well they are (and continue to be) protected from adult feelings and conflicts.

In other words, the anger we need to feel in order to heal is the very emotion we must filter away from our children and out of our co-parenting relationship. Here's where compartmentalization comes in handy.

When acrimony is appropriately contained by adults, kids are free to work through their own divorce-related feelings--without feeling burdened by ours.

To help divorcing spouses better understand healthy compartmentalization, I use the following metaphor. Imagine your brain is like Hogwarts, where each thought, feeling, or task must be sorted into three empty boxes: the marital box, the parenting box, and the in-between box.

What follows is a description of all three boxes, along with a few tips for how to create them.

The Marital Box. Negative sentiments about the relationship, the divorce, and/or your ex belong in the marital box. This box should be stored high on a shelf where only you (not your ex or your children) can access it.

In the early stages of separation, it is likely your marital box will be quite full--even overflowing. This is completely normal.

Set a goal to reduce the size of your marital box by carefully working through its contents. Do this on your own, with a therapist, or with other trusted adults in your life. Reassure yourself that, with time and appropriate resourcing, the size of this box will eventually shrink (It will. I promise).

Helpful hint: Tempting though it may be, avoid sorting through your marital box with your ex. Your former spouse cannot help you get over him or her. Conversely, should your ex attempt to enlist you in sorting through his or her martial box, it’s okay to respectfully disengage. A brief “I’m sorry I cannot help you.” will suffice.

Trust that, if you and your former spouse could resolve your differences, you would have by now. That time has come and gone.

The Parenting Box. You and your ex share this box. Unlike the marital box, the parenting box should be void of emotion. It contains only information pertinent to raising healthy kids smoothly in two households (i.e., residential schedules, school events, extracurricular activities, medical appointments, etc.). Any text, email, or phone call between you and your ex should be brief and pertain only to the business of raising your children.

Growing up, my father used to say, “Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll just get dirty...and the pig likes it.” This was his colorful, Southern way of noting the inverse correlation between anger and insight. Acting out of anger rarely leads anywhere productive. What's more, the angrier we are, the easier it is to get the marital and parenting boxes mixed up. I suggest dealing with the contents of the parenting box when both you and your ex are calm and clear-headed.

Helpful hint: If you do get worked up, keep yourself out of the mud by taking the time needed to calm yourself before reengaging with your ex. Additionally, before responding, I recommend sending emails and texts to a neutral third party (e.g., trusted friend, divorce coach, etc.) to make sure they are 'washed clean' of negative emotion.

Helpful hint: It's always better to lead by example than to get in a mud-slinging contest with your ex. If your ex lashes out at you, resist all urges to fight back or defend yourself. Staying within the confines of the parenting box does not make you a pushover. It makes you an example of the mature, stable co-parent your child needs you to be.

Helpful hint: Determine ahead of time your goal for any communication with your ex. Include in your communication only the facts that serve this goal. For instance, if you are hoping to swap weekends, with sufficient notice (which should be stipulated by your parenting plan), provide in writing the dates you would like to swap. Your ex does not need to know the reason for the swap. Just the dates in question will suffice.

The In-between Box. The in-between box is a place for neutral-positive sentiments related to your fellow co-parent. This box is meant to be shared freely with your child and, on occasion, with your ex in front of your child.

Here are a few examples. Let’s say your ex is a fabulous cook and your child expresses interest in learning to cook. This is a great time to say, “You know, your Mom is an excellent chef. How lucky you are to learn from the best!”

Perhaps your ex is a musician and your child has taken up an instrument. Upon leaving a school concert together, in front of your child, it's okay to say to your fellow co-parent something like, “I can see Tim has inherited your musical abilities. It’s great to see him share his love of music with you.”

I cannot overemphasize how much this means to your kiddos.

Your child’s developing ego cannot easily distinguish itself from others. Thus, when you say positive things about and to the other parent, you are actively bolstering your child's self-esteem.

Helpful hints: If you are struggling to fill your in-between box, it may be useful to remind yourself that no one is either all good or all bad. To assume the latter about your marriage or your ex is to discount the positive attributes that brought you together, the most important of which was the fate of becoming your children's parents. Even if your marital box is overflowing, look for ways to encourage your child to have a positive relationship with his or her other parent.

Even when it is the right decision, divorce is rarely easy. The clarity needed to compartmentalize feelings appropriately can elude us when we are in pain. Let this be your motivation to seek support from others. Find people who have successfully weathered divorce. Ask them for tips about what worked, what didn’t, etc. Find a therapist in your area who specializes in working with divorcing co-parents. No one should have to do this alone.

Finally, remember that, while pain is temporary, parenting is forever. Committing the time and energy it takes to build and maintain a constructive co-parenting relationship with your ex is one of the best investments you can make--for yourself and, most importantly, for your children.

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers divorce consultation, co-parenting support, grief therapy, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. If you need help sorting through divorce-related feelings, schedule a free consultation to see how divorce counseling and co-parent support can help you create the co-parenting relationship your children deserve.

Schedule Now

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How To Talk To Your Children About Separation And Divorce

7/9/2018

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"Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love”

–Jennifer Weiner

Just over half of marriages or domestic partnerships will end in separation or divorce. Though couples may struggle to reach consensus on numerous issues, most separating spouses can agree that protecting the child or children's best interest should be top priority. This sounds pretty straight forward yet, when adults posses intense feelings toward one another, it is anything but simple.

If you and your soon-to-be ex are confused or struggling with how best to talk with your children about divorce, here are a few tips for keeping things on track:

Decide before you tell. I recommend telling the kids no more than 2-3 weeks prior to the scheduled move date. Children do best when their environments are as structured and predictable as possible. Tell them after you and your spouse have determined when the change will occur, where each parent will be residing, and which days or dates the children will reside with each parent. For younger kids without smartphones, a paper calendar that is pre-marked with “Mommy/Daddy days/nights” can help them keep track of where and with whom they will be. Older kids with phones can use the calendar function to keep track of the new schedule.

Steer clear of birthdays, holidays, and special occasions. There is really never a ‘good time’ to tell your children that their parents have decided to divorce. That said, it’s wise to hold off on having the discussion until after a birthday, holiday, or other important occasion. If you can, tell them on a Friday and clear your weekend schedule. This gives parents and children time to be present with each other after the disclosure.

When possible, tell them together. Now more than ever, kids need to see that their mom(s) and dad(s) are united in parenting. If you and your spouse can commit to being cordial and contained (which can be hard to do in the early stages), tell the children, together. It’s okay to cry a little in front of your children—tears are a healthy expression of sadness. Expressing some of your sadness can even give kids permission to feel their own. However, if one parent’s emotion starts to eclipse the conversation, the other parent needs to step in and say something like, “Your mom/dad is upset right now. This is hard for all of us. Let’s take a break for a few minutes and talk again in a little while.”

Be brief, honest, and age-appropriate. Children deserve to be unfettered by adult feelings and relationship matters. Agree with your spouse beforehand on a short narrative in which there are no heroes or villains. I recommend something along the lines of,“Mom and Dad (or Mom and Mom/Dad and Dad) have been trying for a while to sort out some of our differences. Sometimes adults encounter issues or problems that words alone cannot resolve. Talking hasn't helped. So we have decided it would be better if we lived in separate houses. This is an adult decision and it is no one’s fault, especially not yours. We both love you very much and (provided this is accurate) we will both be here to help guide you through this.” It is important to note that older children may wish--even demand--to know the reasons for the divorce. It is neither necessary nor appropriate for children to know the intimate details of their parents' relationship. Tell them it is okay and normal to be curious but that the details of the divorce are best kept between adults.

Tell them what will stay the same. Once you’ve told the kids about what will be changing, it’s important to remind them of what will remain the same: schools, teachers, celebrations (birthdays, holidays, rites of passage, etc.), sports teams, neighborhoods, time with both parents (assuming this applies). Additionally, kids appreciate hearing that divorce doesn’t change the makeup of their extended families (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.). Remind your children that you are still a family, now with parents who live in different houses.

Check back in every few days. The news will take time to digest. Ask your kids how they are feeling about the change. If they are sad, ask them what they typically do to help themselves when they feel down (read, draw, talk to their friends, etc.). Even if they don’t bring it up themselves, checking in every so often lets children know the subject is safe to discuss.

Connect them with peers. As your children age, they will encounter more peers whose parents live in two houses. Ask your children what they know about their peers with divorced parents. What do their friends like about living in two houses? What do they wish were different? Encourage your kids to connect with other children who come from two-household families. This helps them feel a greater sense of normalcy and belonging.

Stick to the custody schedule. Particularly in the beginning, it is important to keep your children’s environment as predictable as possible. This bolsters trust and safety. Follow the custody schedule consistently and, if changes do occur, give your children plenty of prior notice so they know what to expect.

Remind and reassure. Remind your children that, even though their parents will be living apart, you, their other parent, and their siblings are all in this together. Though they may be hurting now and it may take some getting used to, reassure them that all of you will eventually feel better about the divorce.

Speak kindly of your chid or children’s mother or father. This cannot be emphasized enough. Because children’s egos and identities are still forming, it is difficult for them to see their parents as separate beings. Thus, when one parent speaks negatively about the other in front of a child, it is the child who feels badly about him or herself. No matter how upset you are with your fellow co-parent, resist all temptation to make contemptuous statements about the other parent within earshot of your child or children. When children feel free to love each parent equally, they are better able to access their own natural resilience.

It is normal for separating spouses to posses some degree of negative feelings about the other. This is particularly true in cases where one spouse did not have a choice about the divorce. Thus, I encourage both partners to lean into their adult support systems (friends, family, support groups, therapists or counselors, etc.). When the adults care for themselves and each other appropriately, everyone benefits, including and especially, the children.

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, divorce therapist, and grief counselor in the Phinney - Greenwood area of North Seattle. If you have questions about how to nurture your children through divorce, help is just a click away. Schedule a free consultation to see how divorce counseling and co-parent support can help you and your children thrive after divorce.

Schedule Now

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7 Hidden Long-term Truths About Divorce

How To Communicate With A Co-parent Who Won't Communicate

How To Build A Strong Co-parenting Relationship (Even When You Don't Really Feel Like It)

How To Talk To Your Children About Separation And Divorce

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