Over the years I have encountered numerous myths and misconceptions about divorce-related grief, the most common of which is the notion that it is linear, logical and finite. We expect grief to peak immediately after separation, then slowly subside until, perhaps a few months later, we are mostly pain-free. If only that were true!
Separation and divorce shakes our snow globe, causing its vulnerable particles to erratically float around with no end in sight. So it's no wonder that any human being would want those particles to settle quickly, in an orderly, predictable way.
Unmet grief expectations are frequently construed as failure. We don't feel the way we think we should, so we conclude that we are not "doing it right." This adds unnecessary suffering to pain.
We can create a more accepting relationship with ourselves and our grief when we understand its true nature. To that end, I have created the following list of often-experienced-but-rarely-discussed, long-term emotional truths about divorce:
If you’re still reading this, I imagine you may wondering what can be done to help mitigate the pain of these truths.
One of the most important things we can do, post-divorce, is clarify our values (e.g., family, commitment to service, personal accountability, kindness toward others, etc.) and commit to living those values.
This sounds simple. But it is not always easy. Furthermore, habits of intentional living take time--sometimes years--to develop. Now is the time to be kind and patient with yourself.
Keep in mind that few roads are perfectly smooth or straight. If you find yourself straying from your values, recommit to them. Repeat this process as many times as needed.
Finally, keep in mind that the presence of difficult emotion does not signify the absence of coping. All emotions, even the unpleasant ones, signify our humanity. Feelings are a normal, natural part of any living finish.
Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce consultation, co-parenting support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. If you would like help coping with the long-term emotional impact of divorce, follow the link below to schedule a free consultation.
On the cusp of a breakup, separation, or divorce, it is common for people to focus mostly on what they will lose: a spouse or partner, time with their children, relationships with the ex's family and friends. The list goes on and on.
As a separation and divorce counselor, I like to help clients honor the pain of loss while reminding them of what will also be gained: relief from the tension of a relationship that wasn't working, the confidence of knowing they can thrive on their own, new experiences with people they've yet to meet. This list, too, can go on and on.
When the basic business of just getting by (e.g., getting out of bed, taking a shower, going to work, etc.) seems herculean, it's hard to trust that the future will be bright. But, with a little mindfulness, some time, and some effort, it is possible to thrive after a breakup, separation, or divorce.
If you are in the pain trenches of acute loss, here are a few tips to help guide you toward a brighter future:
Even if you don’t believe it right now (which is okay), you are heading toward wherever you are meant to go. What if this ending is an invitation to feel as whole as you already are?
Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce consultation, co-parenting support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. If you would like support in finding the forward path, schedule a free consultation to see how divorce counseling can help.
Season's greetings, everyone!
Since the last blog post, I received a letter from one divorced reader who is struggling with a question frequently seen in my therapy practice, not only among separated or divorced individuals, but with married and single people as well: "how do I communicate effectively with a 'slow-or-no' responder"?
Slow-or-no responders are folks who take an unusually long amount of time to reply to emails, texts, or phone calls (if they reply at all), even when the issue at hand requires their input.
If you've ever tried to make plans with a slow-or-no responder, this reader's frustration will sound familiar.
Fear not! The suggested tips below are a sure fire way to free yourself from the slow-to-no response trap.
Enjoy and happy holidays!
Dear Dr. Jill,
I have a communication-related question.
My ex and I have been living apart for almost three years. We have three children. They are 6, 8, and 11. For the most part, we see eye-to-eye. We usually keep it cordial and civil.
Because we have three children, there are lots of details to keep track of. Two kids in soccer and one in piano. When we were married, I was the one who took the kids to their medical appointments, practices, recitals, and such.
Since we separated, the one place we struggle most is with communication. Between the two of us, I have the more flexible work schedule. This means I am on the front lines with pick ups and drop offs, appointment scheduling, etc. Sometimes this coordination requires her consent and/or her participation. That is where we clang heads.
When I make a request, it takes days—even a week—to hear back from her. Sometimes I get no response. One time, our oldest son missed an important school outing because my ex didn’t get back to me in time.
Our parenting plan says that all major decisions will be jointly made. So I'm kind of stuck here.
I’ve tried to talk with her about this issue. She usually either gets defensive or says she’s working on it and promises to do better. With one or two exceptions, things have stayed status quo.
I’m wondering if this is something you’ve helped clients with and, if so, can you give me some pointers for how to deal with it?
Sounds like this experience has neatly nestled you, right between a rock and a hard place! Making joint decisions with someone who won't decide, can be frustrating. Knowing and communicating boundaries is the most effective way to free yourself from what I like to call the "slow-to-no response trap."
When coordinating with someone who is slow to respond (or who doesn't respond at all), with each request, it is important to communicate three things: the ask, the expected response time, and what you will plan to do if you do not hear anything back from her.
Here is an example of what this kind of communication looks or sounds like:
I just received notice of a mandatory work meeting that is scheduled to take place tomorrow evening, when the kids are scheduled to be with me. I am wondering if you would be willing to pick the kids up from aftercare and keep them until I can pick them up at 8:00 p.m.? If you would please let me know by 6:00 tonight, that would be great. If I don't hear anything back by then, I will find an alternate arrangement.
By communicating a clear time frame and a pre-determined backup plan, any potential for Jim to feel burdened by slow-or-no response is removed.
Differences like the one described in your letter are common among divorced co-parents. It is for precisely this reason that some parenting plans include a clause which stipulates that, after a written request is sent, the responding party must provide an answer within a pre-specified amount of time, after which, if no response is received, the requesting party is free to make a decision. Ideally, the parenting plan would also stipulate different response times for matters that are considered urgent (e.g., medical emergencies, school-related activities, important deadlines, etc.).
If your parenting plan contains this language, I suggest calmly reminding your ex (by phone if possible—the tone of email can easily get misinterpreted) of the agreed upon timeline(s). Once you’ve referenced the agreement, it is up to you to abide by its terms. In so doing, any future disregard for the documented timeline, by either party, will be construed as permission to proceed.
If your parenting document does not include the aforementioned clause, I recommend including it, ad hoc. Though you can choose to do this via the legal system, if you and your ex are pretty good about adhering to agreements, legal intervention may not be necessary.
Let your ex know that you would like to work with her to come up with a response timeline that each of you will follow, for both urgent and non-urgent situations. Once this agreement is in place, write it down. Keep a copy for yourself and provide your ex with a copy to refer to in the future.
After the agreement is in place, stick to it. When solo decisions are made, send a courtesy follow up email so your ex is in the loop.
One final tip. Though it won't always be possible, whenever you see an opportunity to free yourself of the slow-or-no-response game, take it. Try to minimize the number of appointments, activities, and events that require cross-coordinate between you and your ex. One way to do this is to schedule kid-related activities only on your own residential time.
Hopefully these tips will help free you up to do more of what you do best: love your children. Good luck!
Yours In Health,
Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers divorce consultation, co-parenting support, grief therapy, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Struggling to communicate with an ex? Schedule a free consultation to see how divorce counseling and co-parent support can help you create the co-parenting relationship your children deserve.
Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, grief counselor, and dating coach. Her coaching and therapy practice is located in the Phinney - Greenwood area of North Seattle in Washington.