DR. JILL GROSS
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7 Hidden Long-term Truths About Divorce

11/10/2019

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Hidden Truths About Divorce
Photo credit: Danielle MacInnes
"True forgiveness is when you can say, 'Thank you for that experience.'"

-
Oprah Winfrey

Over the years I have encountered numerous myths and misconceptions about divorce-related grief, the most common of which is the notion that it is linear, logical and finite. We expect grief to peak immediately after separation, then slowly subside until, perhaps a few months later, we are mostly pain-free.  If only that were true!

Separation and divorce shakes our snow globe, causing its vulnerable particles to erratically float around with no end in sight.  So it's no wonder that any human being would want those particles to settle quickly, in an orderly, predictable way.  

Unmet grief expectations are frequently construed as failure. We don't feel the way we think we should, so we conclude that we are not "doing it right."  This adds unnecessary suffering to pain.

We can create a more accepting relationship with ourselves and our grief when we understand its true nature. To that end, I have created the following list of often-experienced-but-rarely-discussed, long-term emotional truths about divorce:


  1. The marriage may have ended but, when you share children, the relationship with your ex is never over.  Children are a life-long tie to an ex, the effects of which are inversely correlated with the age of the children. In other words, the younger the children, the more parents must communicate and coordinate with their exes. Even in adulthood, there will be important milestones to celebrate, each one carrying with it a potential uptick in divorce-related grief, long past the point at which we tell ourselves we have "gotten over" the divorce.
  2. Blame prolongs grief. Blaming your ex may make you feel good in the short term, but it stymies healing and stunts emotional growth.  All relationships are co-created. Every partner is a teacher. Blaming your ex detracts from the important lessons she/he/they were meant to teach you. 
  3. Divorce guilt is a thing. Any divorced parent can attest to this.  Guilt will wax and wane over the years, with a propensity to spike during milestones (birthdays, holidays, etc.), rites of passage (graduations, bar mitzvahs, weddings, etc.) and/or when the children are struggling. Even when struggles are normal and age-appropriate, divorced parents will typically wonder about the degree to which any of those struggles are related to the divorce. 
  4. We can miss something (or someone) we don’t want anymore. Grief is a repeated process of holding, simultaneously, truths that feel mutually exclusive but are not.  We can long for the intact family, even when we know the marriage wasn’t viable. We can yearn for someone or something that isn’t good for us. All of this is true. And, when we encounter those "mutually exclusive" emotional truths, they can confuse us.
  5. Divorce is a living finish.  Just as newly-minted brass, when exposed to the elements, changes texture and color, so too does divorce. For instance, a good friend of mine went through a highly-contentious divorce when her only child was three. Fifteen years (and a lot of healing) later, she and her son's father were able to share a peaceful and pleasant graduation celebration with their son. When we are in intense pain, it’s easy to extrapolate that things will always be this sad, this angry, this difficult etc.  They won’t. With time and good intentions, even the sharpest edges can and will soften.
  6. Holidays are hard.  September through December, advertisers feed us a steady diet of happy couples, frolicking in the snow in front of gift wrapped European sports cars (which they can only afford because one is not paying the other spousal maintenance or child support).  We see starry-eyed, footy pajama-clad toddlers (products of happy, intact marriages no doubt) in front of bedazzled Christmas trees (that are erected in the one and only house that toddler lives in).  Folks with shared custody may not see their children every holiday. Some may see their kids every holiday but only for part of the time. What's more, there are extended networks of people we love but no longer see (ex in-laws, mutual friends, etc.). How we think the holidays should be and how they actually are for divorced people can leave any single-parent feeling as if their family or their life is defective. Holidays never  stop hurting.  We simply learn to live with the sting. 
  7. Forgiveness is a choice we make, over and over again. This one is a doozy.  Many of us believe forgiveness is something we do once, to make the other person feel better. This is untrue.  Forgiveness is like yoga.  We do it for ourselves, regularly, so that we can achieve greater emotional strength and flexibility. Forgiveness does not mean we condone hurtful behavior nor does it mean that we grant all-access passes to those who have injured us. We are always free to protect ourselves with appropriate boundaries. Forgiveness a choice to divest our energy from a past we cannot change and, instead, place it in the present moment.  It is here, now, that we have the most potential to create the life we want. One final note about forgiveness. If you are holding on to bitterness about the divorce, chances are high it is you, not your ex, who most deserves to be forgiven. 

If you’re still reading this, I imagine you may wondering what can be done to help mitigate the pain of these truths. 

One of the most important things we can do, post-divorce, is clarify our values (e.g., family, commitment to service, personal accountability, kindness toward others, etc.) and commit to living those values.

This sounds simple. But it is not always easy. Furthermore, habits of intentional living take time--sometimes years--to develop. Now is the time to be kind and patient with yourself.  

Keep in mind that few roads are perfectly smooth or straight.  If you find yourself straying from your values, recommit to them. Repeat this process as many times as needed. 

Finally, keep in mind that the presence of difficult emotion does not signify the absence of coping.  All emotions, even the unpleasant ones, signify our humanity.  Feelings are a normal, natural  part of any living finish.



Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce consultation, co-parenting support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. If you would like help coping with the long-term emotional impact of divorce, follow the link below to schedule a free consultation.

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Six Tips For Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce

7/8/2019

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"Change is hard. And it never hurries. It wears you down, with its sound and its fury. 
​

​-Jaspar Lepak

On the cusp of a breakup, separation, or divorce, it is common for people to focus mostly on what they will lose:  a spouse or partner, time with their children, relationships with the ex's family and friends. The list goes on and on.

As a separation and divorce counselor, I like to help clients honor the pain of loss while reminding them of what will also be gained: relief from the tension of a relationship that wasn't working, the confidence of knowing they can thrive on their own, new experiences with people they've yet to meet. This list, too, can go on and on.

When the basic business of just getting by (e.g., getting out of bed, taking a shower, going to work, etc.) seems herculean, it's hard to trust that the future will be bright. But, with a little mindfulness, some time, and some effort, it is possible to thrive after a breakup, separation, or divorce.

If you are in the pain trenches of acute loss, here are a few tips to help guide you toward a brighter future:


  1. Create a list of goals or intentions.  Start by asking yourself where you would like to be one week, one month, and one year from now. Some examples I've heard are, “I would like to have more good days than hard days.” or “I would like to gain financial independence.” or “I would like to have a harmonious co-parenting relationship with my ex.” Make a detailed list of your intentions. Visualize these goals as if they have already been achieved.  Ask yourself what is different about your new life. How are you spending your time? How do you feel? When we are in pain, it's easy to place our focus on what we want less of.  This exercise makes space for what you want more of.  When we focus on desire, automatically, our behavior will align with our goals.
  2. Forgiveness.  Anger is a normal, healthy part of the grieving process, especially when we did not want a relationship to end and/or when we have been betrayed by someone we love. Anger can also be a useful tool in creating the distance we need to heal. However, when we hold on to anger, we dig two graves, only one of which will be occupied (hint: not by our exes). It is commonly believed that forgiveness is a hall pass for bad behavior. It is not. It’s also a myth that forgiveness means we must grant an all-access pass to the person who hurt us. Forgiveness is a purely selfish act. In forgiving others, we set ourselves free to move forward.
  3. Avoid pain shopping. “I feel so much better after seeing my suntanned ex canoodling with his/her new lover on the sandy beaches of a faraway tropical paradise!” Said no one. Ever. In fact, technology has made breaking up much more difficult and confusing. Staying technologically connected to exes gives away our most precious resources: time and energy. This time and energy is better spent rebuilding the life we have vs. deconstructing the life we had. Pay attention to how your online behavior is making you feel. If you feel more scared, sad, lonely, ashamed or angry, it’s wise to consider replacing that behavior with something more constructive. Consider blocking your ex on all social media. This is not a form of punishment. It's a conscious choice to protect yourself from needless pain exposure.
  4. Get support. Heartache can easily turn to despair when it’s treated with neglect or isolation. Now is the best possible time to lean on your support network (e.g., friends, family, counselors, and/or anyone else who reminds you that you are not alone). Asking for help is a sign of strength.
  5. Expand your social orbit. This. Cannot. Be. Emphasized. Enough. Relying exclusively on people who are connected to your ex can get complicated, particularly when the split is acrimonious. Forming relationships with people who are unattached to your marital story is an essential part of creating a post-divorce life. Making new friends in mid-life requires creativity and elbow grease. But it is worth it!  When my ex and I split in 2009, I forced myself off the couch and into a support group filled with newly separated strangers. One of those strangers is now one of my closest friends. Not sure where to start? Ask yourself if there is something you have always wanted to try and/or do more of when you were partnered. Search online for a social group that coincides with that interest.  Meetup.com is a great resource.  So are local Facebook neighborhood groups.
  6. Get comfortable with discomfort. Venturing out of our comfort zones is the only way we grow. After you’ve spent some time in the Netflix  and Haagen-Dazs cocoon, challenge yourself to do at least one thing per week that is scary (but not dangerous), new, interesting, and/or completely unrelated to life with your former partner or spouse. Consider trying that restaurant you could never talk your ex into patronizing. Volunteer at an organization whose mission aligns with your core values. The worst thing that could happen is that you will feel uncomfortable. Discomfort is temporary. The best thing that could happen is that you discover a new passion, meet some new people (see #5), and experience the gift of your own courage.

Even if you don’t believe it right now (which is okay), you are heading toward wherever you are meant to go. What if this ending is an invitation to feel as whole as you already are? 

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce consultation, co-parenting support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. If you would like support in finding the forward path, schedule a free consultation to see how divorce counseling can help.


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How To Communicate With A Co-parent Who Won't Communicate

12/13/2018

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"Think of it as an important business project; you don’t always love the person that you’re working with, but you work together to get the project done. Co-parents need to adopt this same business model when co-parenting their children."

​-Kela Price

Season's greetings, everyone! 

Since the last blog post, I received a letter from one divorced reader who is struggling with a question frequently seen in my therapy practice, not only among separated or divorced individuals, but with married and single people as well: "how do I communicate effectively with a 'slow-or-no' responder"?

Slow-or-no responders are folks who take an unusually long amount of time to reply to emails, texts, or phone calls (if they reply at all), even when the issue at hand requires their input.

If you've ever tried to make plans with a slow-or-no responder, this reader's frustration will sound familiar. 

Fear not!  The suggested tips below are a sure fire way to free yourself from the slow-to-no response trap.

Enjoy and happy holidays!


Dear Dr. Jill,

I have a communication-related question.

Some background:

M
y ex and I have been living apart for almost three years.  We have three children. They are 6, 8, and 11.  For the most part, we see eye-to-eye. We usually keep it cordial and civil.

Because we have three children, there are lots of details to keep track of. Two kids in soccer and one in piano. When we were married, I was the one who took the kids to their medical appointments, practices, recitals, and such.


Since we separated, the one place we struggle most is with communication. Between the two of us, I have the more flexible work schedule. This means I am on the front lines with pick ups and drop offs, appointment scheduling, etc. Sometimes this coordination requires her consent and/or her participation. That is where we clang heads.

When I make a request, it takes days—even a week—to hear back from her.  Sometimes I get no response. One time, our oldest son missed an important school outing because my ex didn’t get back to me in time.

Our parenting plan says that all major decisions will be jointly made.  So I'm kind of stuck here.

I’ve tried to talk with her about this issue.  She usually either gets defensive or says she’s working on it and promises to do better.  With one or two exceptions, things have stayed status quo.

I’m wondering if this is something you’ve helped clients with and, if so, can you give me some pointers for how to deal with it? 

Sincerely,
Frustrated Co-parent


Dear Frustrated,

Sounds like this experience has neatly nestled you, right between a rock and a hard place! Making joint decisions with someone who won't decide, can be frustrating.  Knowing and communicating boundaries is the most effective way to free yourself from what I like to call the "slow-to-no response trap."

When coordinating with someone who is slow to respond (or who doesn't respond at all), with each request, it is important to communicate three things: the ask, the expected response time, and what you will plan to do if you do not hear anything back from her.

Here is an example of what this kind of communication looks or sounds like:

"Hi Brenda,

I just received notice of a mandatory work meeting that is scheduled to take place tomorrow evening, when the kids are scheduled to be with me.  I am wondering if you would be willing to pick the kids up from aftercare and keep them until I can pick them up at 8:00 p.m.? If you would please let me know by 6:00 tonight, that would be great. If I don't hear anything back by then, I will find an alternate arrangement.

Thank you,
Jim"


By communicating a clear time frame and a pre-determined backup plan, any potential for Jim to feel burdened by slow-or-no response is removed. 

Differences like the one described in your letter are common among divorced co-parents. It
 is for precisely this reason that some parenting plans include a clause which stipulates that, after a written request is sent, the responding party must provide an answer within a pre-specified amount of time, after which, if no response is received, the requesting party is free to make a decision. Ideally, the parenting plan would also stipulate different response times for matters that are considered urgent (e.g., medical emergencies, school-related activities, important deadlines, etc.).

If your parenting plan contains this language, I suggest calmly reminding your ex (by phone if possible—the tone of email can easily get misinterpreted) of the agreed upon timeline(s). Once you’ve referenced the agreement, it is up to you to abide by its terms. In so doing, any future disregard for the documented timeline, by either party, will be construed as permission to proceed.

If your parenting document does not include the aforementioned clause, I recommend including it, ad hoc. Though you can choose to do this via the legal system, if you and your ex are pretty good about adhering to agreements, legal intervention may not be necessary.

Let your ex know that you would like to work with her to come up with a response timeline that each of you will follow, for both urgent and non-urgent situations.  Once this agreement is in place, write it down.  Keep a copy for yourself and provide your ex with a copy to refer to in the future.

After the agreement is in place, stick to it.  When solo decisions are made,  send a courtesy follow up email so your ex is in the loop.

One final tip.
Though it won't always be possible, whenever you see an opportunity to free yourself of the slow-or-no-response game, take it.  Try to minimize the number of appointments, activities, and events that require cross-coordinate between you and your ex. One way to do this is to schedule kid-related activities only on your own residential time. 

Hopefully these tips will help free you up to do more of what you do best:  love your children.  Good luck!

Yours In Health,
Dr. Jill

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers divorce consultation, co-parenting support, grief therapy, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Struggling to communicate with an ex? Schedule a free consultation to see how divorce counseling and co-parent support can help you create the co-parenting relationship your children deserve. 

Schedule Now

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    Seattle psychologist grief counselor and dating coach in Phinney Greenwood North Seattle

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    Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, grief counselor, and dating coach. Her coaching and therapy practice is located in the Phinney - Greenwood area of North Seattle in Washington. 

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