When A Loved One Dies: Six Tips For Rebuilding Life After Death

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"The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living."

-Marcus T. Cicero

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Valentine's Day. Some dread it. Some love it. Some view it as just another day. For those who've recently lost a partner or spouse, Valentine's Day can be especially rough. Today's post is about grief. May it reach the hearts of those who are grieving, today and every day.

As a grief therapist and counselor, friends and family sometimes ask, “Does it burn you out to sit, all day, listening to sad stories, told by sad people?” Clients make similar inquiries. They wonder if their grief, like a virus, is contagious. Actually, sitting with grieving people has the opposite effect.

Just like an expectant mother’s contractions, grief is pain with purpose. Though people are sad, angry or scared when they are grieving, typically, they are also learning something significant--about themselves, their relationships, their families, their friends. What’s more, grief brings with it an indescribable openness that, if handled appropriately, fosters deeper connections, both inside and outside the therapy room. What could be more energizing than that?

Grief is a normal, natural side effect of love and loss. So why are so many of us quick to judge or criticize ourselves when we are grieving? In an age where we are one click, tap, or swipe away from just about anything, it’s easy to assume we are in pain because are doing too much of one thing, not enough of another, and/or because we haven't downloaded the right app yet. This assumption is untrue. In fact, leaning into grief helps us accept it as a naturally occurring process that needn’t be controlled.

One of the most frequent questions encountered in my therapy practice after a loved one dies is, “How long will this last?” or “When will I feel normal again?” To this, I usually answer, “That depends. How long will your loved one be dead?” Sure, this answer makes me guilty of the age-old therapist / counselor stereotype of answering a question with a question. But it also validates what clients already know: because their love is life-long, so too will be their grief. When clients hear this, the relief in the room is palpable.

Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross once thought of grief as a circumscribed process consisting of five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance. Experts now believe that grief is a fluid, non-linear process. The “stages” of grief are more like “areas”--rooms that we wander in and out of, depending on our circumstances (e.g., anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc.). In fact, we can feel all of the areas of grief, sometimes in the same day, at the same time, and in no particular order.

Though there is no magic pill to eradicate or hasten grief, here are six things that can help facilitate healing after loss:

1. Affiliate. A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved. Spending time with others who are grieving is an essential part of healing. Support groups are an invaluable resource, particularly for those in the acute stages of loss. If you cannot find a grief group in your area, check out online forums. It may also be helpful to seek a group whose members have experienced a loss that is the same or similar to yours (e.g., loss of a parent, spouse, or child).
2. Breathe. When it feels as if you’re being driven to the verge of emotional collapse, try for a moment to focus solely on your breath. Place one hand on your stomach and the other on your chest. Feel the air fill your lungs and diaphragm. Hold that break for six counts, then exhale for six counts. Repeat this exercise three times (more if it’s helpful).
3. Move. Because emotions are a physiological process, sometimes we need more than words to help us work through them. Try walking, running, yoga, weight lifting— whatever you are physically able to do. The brain releases endorphins, which serve as a mood enhancer, when we exercise. Why not take full advantage of this valuable natural resource?
4. Make new memories. Moving forward without our loved one can sometimes feel like a betrayal. It can feel as if we are leaving them behind or that any joy we feel is an indication that we haven't grieved long or hard enough. This happens because our brain forms strong associations (called “neural nets”) between those we love and the people, places, and activities we enjoyed with them when they were alive. Hence, it can seem nearly impossible to go to that favorite playground or restaurant (this is normal). Remember, the best gift we can give to the deceased is to continue living, even though it hurts. You don’t have to retrace all of the old steps but, after some time has passed, try reengaging with the parts of your life that once gave it meaning (e.g., work, school, friends, etc.). Also, consider making memories in new places as well.
5. Honor the love. Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays can be tough, even years after a loved one has died. If you feel inclined, find ways to honor your loved one. I have a friend whose husband died a few years ago. Every year on his birthday, she and her children prepare his favorite meal and share stories about him around the dinner table. Remember: your grief is a testimony to your love. It’s okay to stay connected to that love.
6. Mind the story. When a loved one dies, it’s true that life, as you once knew it, is over. However, this doesn’t mean your life is over. We tend to manifest the stories we tell ourselves. Try to develop a narrative that honors your loss, while leaving space for future happiness. I once worked with a gentleman who lost his wife and soul mate of twenty years. For months, he told himself, “This was it for me. I will never love again.” While it’s true his love for his wife was specific to her, it is also true that the heart is capable of making space for new love. I encouraged my client to tell himself a different story: “I will always love my wife. Our love helped make me who I am today. I am sad that she is gone but I am also open to seeing what's possible.” Our loved one will always be an integral part of our story. Death doesn’t change that. If the story you are telling yourself precludes your own future happiness, consider a different story.

Moving forward with life after death sounds simple. But it is far from easy. If you are feeling stuck or frustrated by grief, it may be wise to seek assistance from a qualified grief therapist or counselor. Feel free to get in touch for a free consultation to see if therapy or counseling is right for you. You can also find valuable grief-related resources, including counselors and groups in your area, here.

Remember, grief is how the body, mind and spirit heal after loss. It changes us. It soften our edges. It opens our hearts. Surrender to grief and let it's powerful current carry you wherever you are meant to go.

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. If you've recently lost a loved one and want to feel better, schedule a free consultation to find out how grief counseling can help you!
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