DR. JILL GROSS
  • Home
  • ABOUT
    • Approach
    • Bio
  • Services
    • Grief Counseling
    • Separation / Divorce Counseling
    • Individual Counseling
    • Supervision & Consultation
  • FAQs
    • Therapy FAQs
    • Financial FAQs
    • COVID Updates
  • Forms
  • Blog
  • Contact

To Date Him or Not To Date Him?

4/10/2018

0 Comments

 
Picture
"A man is truly a man when he wins the love of a good woman, earns her respect, and keeps her trust.  Until you can do that, you're not a man."

-Gregory David Roberts

Dear Dr. Jill,

I’m a 35-year-old female who has been making the online dating rounds for a while now. After many dates with many people who were not a good fit, I finally met someone amazing.

On the first date, sparks flew.

We talked about wanting more out of life, being tired of the whole “casual hookup scene,” wanting to settle down, get married, and eventually have a family.


The physical sparks were there too. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. I ended up staying the night and we ended up having sex. It was mind-blowing!

Sex is something I vowed never to do on a first date.

After one of the most amazing nights of my life, my date and I said goodbye and agreed to go out later in the week. He said he would call or text me to set something up.

A week passed.  Then two weeks. Then a third.


I reached out to him a few times and, each time, he wrote back with brief, one-word answers. I asked about getting together. He responded vaguely and never got back to me.

I was very hurt and confused by his behavior.  Was this the same guy I met less than a month ago?

Anyway. He reached out to me last night, asking to get together. I really like him and would very much like to see him again but I’m still stinging from the roller coaster of the last three weeks.

I don't often meet men I'm so compatible with. I'm afraid of closing the door on something (or someone) with promise.

Should I tell him that my feelings are hurt?  Am I being too sensitive? Should I just accept his invitation and forget the whole thing ever happened? I don't want to scare him off by coming on too strong or by acting needy or clingy. 

Would appreciate your thoughts on what to do.

Signed,
Bothered and Bewildered



Dear Bothered,

Oh girl.

What stands out most in your letter is not that you seem needy or clingy. It's the amount of fear and self-doubt you feel--only a few weeks after meeting this guy!   

I had two thoughts when I read your letter.


The first pertains to the breaking of the vow you made to yourself about proceeding a bit more slowly when it comes to being intimate with someone. This is something most of us either have done or will do at some point in our lives.  So no judgement here.

That said, we need boundaries to feel safe and secure in any relationship, romantic and otherwise. When we behave out of accordance with our own boundaries, it is normal to feel insecure. In this case, I suspect your fear of seeming "needy" or "clingy" is a manifestation of this insecurity.

The second thought I have is about your date's behavior.  In short: it's really bad.

I’m wondering if you feel confused because this man's behavior is the very definition of confusing: hot one minute; lukewarm—even cold—the next.

​Given the first date you described, anyone would be left wondering what the hell just happened. This is not needy or clingy. Yours is a natural reaction to inconsiderate behavior your date has yet to own or apologize for.  This is a big red flag in my dating book. 


Before you do anything, I recommend sitting quietly with yourself and taking an honest inventory of what it is you really want.  

​
Do you want a hot fling or a deeper, more stable relationship with an emotionally available partner? 


Though his words may have indicated otherwise, I suspect your date is capable of offering you little more than a (temporary) good time.  If you decide that you want stratospheric chemistry (aka white hot sex), by all means, accept his offer. 

Just know that, if you have real feelings for this man and/or if you want a real, committed partnership, each hookup with this guy is likely to be followed by an unceremonious thud back into fear, confusion, and yearning. For more on that, click here.


Many of us mistake chemistry for connection.  It’s easy to do. The former tends to be instantaneous, short-lived, and drug-like. The latter requires patience, consistency, and time to develop. Not exactly the stuff that James Bond movies are made of but, in the long run, a much better emotional bet.

Bottom line:  if a solid, stable partner is what you are really looking for, I strongly encourage you to look elsewhere. No man worth his salt would ever dream of leaving someone he cares for guessing about his feelings or intentions.

Here’s to a more satisfying future dating experience!

Yours in health,

Dr. Jill


Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, counselor and dating coach in Seattle, Washington. Emotionally unavailable partners got you down?  You deserve better!  Find out how hiring a dating coach can help you have a richer, more satisfying relationship experience. Schedule a free dating consultation today!
Schedule Online Now!
0 Comments

Dating After Divorce - Part One

2/3/2017

0 Comments

 
Picture
As Associate Producer of "Death: the podcast," I am behind the scenes pre-screening prospective guests, writing copy, and basically doing whatever is needed to keep the gears oiled.

Recently, I took a turn in front of the microphone for a great new podcast called "Solo Parent Life."
Hosted by psychologist and single parent, Dr. Robbin Rockett (I know--doesn't she have the BEST name ever? I love it!), the podcast provides support for those of us who are courageously traversing the path of the single parenthood. 

After a bit of post-divorce dating trial-and-error, I developed a system that helped me
land a terrific guy (admittedly after kissing a few frogs). So I leapt at the chance to share some single-parent dating tips with Robbin's listeners. There was so much ground to cover, Robbin decided to split the show into two parts!

How do you know when the time is right to start dating? What is the first step? What's the best frame of mind to adopt as a post-divorce dater? Find out by clicking the link below.
And stay tuned for Part Two, due out next week. Enjoy!
Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA.  Want to learn how to date better, post-divorce? Schedule a free consultation now!
Schedule Your Free Consultation Now
0 Comments

Decoding The Mystery Of The Transitional Relationship - Part 3

3/7/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture
“It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for that long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security.” 
― 
Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Rebuilding After Loss
In Parts One and Two of this series, we examined the primary reasons most of us choose to date in the immediate aftermath of loss and what to expect from dating within the first year of separation. Today, we will focus on the importance of creating a solid life, independent of relationship status.

Stable people attract stable people. When we are deeply rooted in own lives, we are better prepared to endure the fickle winds of the dating scene. With this in mind, here are some reminders and tips to consider:

  • Time takes time. Just as it took a while for your former partner to become a reference point, so too will it take time to become your own. While there are no concrete rules about how long it takes to heal, there is something important about the first calendar year. Encountering each birthday, anniversary, and/or tradition formerly associated with our ex reminds us we are moving on. Moving on from someone we once deeply cared about can be a loss in and of itself, so it's okay to have mixed feelings as the wound closes.
  • Get Active. Emotions are a physical process. By moving our bodies, we can literally move through grief. You don’t have to climb a mountain or run a marathon. Set a small goal for yourself and make it happen. When we take care of ourselves physically, we feel better mentally.
  • Explore Interests. People with interests are interesting people. When we are doing what we love, we shine at our brightest frequency, so now is a great time to develop this part of you life. Plant that garden you've dreamt about or knit your niece the sweater you promised her three years ago. If you're unsure of where to start, think of all of the things you fantasized about doing while you were with your partner and try doing them by yourself. This may be sad or sentiment-filled at first. That is okay--change is hard. Each time we overcome the challenge of doing something new on our own, we gain confidence. And confidence is definitely something you want to bring to any future first date!
  • Meet new people. It is important to forge relationships with people who have no investment in your prior relationship. We don’t have to sever long-standing ties; we simply get to make news ones. Wondering where to start? Meetup.com is a community-building organization that puts like-minded individuals in touch with one another. Don't see a meetup group for your area of interest? Create one! What better way to fill the hours once occupied by your former partner than establishing a solid social support network of your own? What's more, any well-adjusted future mate will find it attractive if you have your own friends.
  • Trust more and confide often. Speaking of social support networks, this is the time to lean into yours. Think about the people in your life who know the real you and love you because of it. Speak the contents of your heart with these people; they will keep you upright when your legs give out. Furthermore, because loss sometimes shines its light on unhealed grief from the past, you may need more than what friends or family can provide. Should this happen, consider enlisting a qualified psychologist, therapist, or counselor to help you sort things out.
  • Feel. Remember that fear, self-doubt, and loneliness are the normal emotional byproducts of single life. These feelings do not make you pathetic; they make you human. Try to feel your feelings without letting them define you. If you get overwhelmed, redirect your attention to your breath. Your breath is always there, inviting you to return to the present moment when fear of the unknown looms large. Even though you may not feel okay right now, you are okay. ​
  • Keep Going. It is important to keep reminding yourself you already know how to live! No matter how hard it may seem, stay connected with the parts of your life you associate with normalcy, namely work, school, caring for minor children, etc. Better to feel sad while surrounded by the people and activities that give your life meaning than to be alone on your couch eating ice cream and watching bad nineties sitcom reruns. At first, you will feel as if you are simply going through the motions. Hang in there. It will get better!

Often, I am asked by the acutely grieving when the whole ordeal will be over. Grief unfolds on its own timeline and healing is retrospective. Often we must consider where we have been to fully appreciate how far we have come. Fortunately, it is not necessary to know how long something will last to keep choosing the next best step. Like a fawn on wobbly legs, we will stumble; this is normal. Each time we get back up again, we prove we are stronger than our pain.

Once we have (mostly) healed, the intensity of transitional love will start to lose its appeal. The day will come when we are no longer able to imagine being with the very person we once thought we couldn't live without. It is then we are truly ready for lasting connection. In the meantime, remember we are all doing our best to get where we are going. Be patient, kind, and honest with yourself as you work to transform your old life shape into a newer, stronger one!

If you have any questions about what you have encountered in this three-part series, feel free to ask them in the comments section below. Or, if you prefer to have your questions answered in a more private forum, click here!


Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA.  

Feeling lost after divorce?  Schedule a free consultation to find out how therapy or counseling can help you get back on track!

Schedule Your Free Consultation Now
0 Comments

Decoding The Mystery Of The Transitional Relationship - Part 2

2/28/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture
"The interval between the decay of the old and the formation and establishment of the new constitutes a period of transition which must always necessarily be one of uncertainty, confusion, error, and wild and fierce fanaticism."

​-John C. Calhoun


In Part Two of this series, we explore the relationship dynamics most commonly experienced in the immediate aftermath of loss. When we know what to expect, we are more likely to emerge from the turbulent waters of rebound dating relatively unscathed.

Transitional relationships are likely to display one of the following four characteristics. Keep in mind these traits are not mutually exclusive. It is common to find more than one in the same place.


1. "Come Here; Go Away." Within the first year of separation, we either don't know what we want or we (think we) know what we want but are not ready for it. In a relationship, this confusion or uncertainty manifests as a “predictably unpredictable” pattern of highs and lows, where periods of intense closeness are followed by tension, conflict, or withdrawal. It is as if we are inviting (or being invited) closer with one hand while shooing (or being shooed) away with the other. Each partner is attracted to the idea of intimacy but, when the fire's warmth touches newly singed hands, one or both partners quickly retreat. "Come here; go away" keeps partners in a perpetual state of suspended animation. Nothing moves in any direction when we want something equally as much as we fear it.

Though logic would convince us otherwise, "come here; go away" relationships are quite difficult to end. Our brains and bodies become dependent upon the adrenaline their breakups and makeups produce--adrenaline which functions as an analgesic for acute grief. To the grief-avoidant, the pain of remaining in the relationship appears less than the pain of ending it. Much like broken lines on a highway, an ambivalent relationship will continue indefinitely until one partner is ready to end it for good.

2. Married or Taken. Human beings attract and are drawn to people who vibrate at a similar emotional frequency. Though our marital status may indicate otherwise, in the first year after loss, we are not really emotionally available. It is for this reason the newly separated cavort with the married or partnered. This usually manifests either as an extramarital affair prior to separation (affairs are sometimes a compelling way out of a marriage that is no longer working) or, post-separation, in the crossing of physical boundaries with a married or partnered acquaintance.

Because secret relationships are predicated on deception, each partner, on some level, secretly resents the other. Like the Wicked Witch in the "Wizard of Oz," this darkness will show up at some point down the road, you just don't know which tree it will be hiding behind. Though the nature of forbidden love is quite compelling, it usually results in more destruction than joy; use caution.


3. The Time Warp. There are times, on the golf course of life, we all wish for a mulligan. Compelled by regret to recover what was lost, we choose a partner who, whether by age or developmental life stage, best represents where we were before our last relationship began. Thanks to social media, we may even revisit an old flame looking for new sparks. While reuniting with "the one who got away" is a romantic notion, it is often not long before we realize why it didn't work out the first time. Like toddlers regress with each new developmental task, when faced with the uncertainty of loss, adults also seek solace in what was once safe or familiar.

4. Opposites Attract. After a difficult loss, many will select a partner whose primary asset is that s/he is nothing like our ex. If you found your ex's outgoing personality off-putting, it is likely you will be drawn to a quieter, more reserved mate. If your ex was a spendthrift, fiscal responsibility suddenly shoots to the top of the priority list. For every perceived deprivation, we are compelled to seek an equal, opposite indulgence. However, after we have feasted at the trough of abundance, its spoils are likely to lose their appeal, particularly if we've little else in common with our new partner.

(It is also worth noting that, in cases where the ending was not of our choosing, some of us seek partners who closely resemble our exes in physical appearance, personality, or both.)


Transitional relationships are like hospitals. No one really wants to be there. We go because the hospital offers us what we cannot yet provide ourselves. Just as hospital stays are meant to be temporary, so too are transitional relationships. This is a hard pill for the acutely grieving to swallow. Often the pain associated with yet another loss (which is typically experienced as failure) compels us to keep transitional relationships on life support past their natural expiration date.

Rememeber, there are no mistakes; only learning. Every choice we make is designed to advance our healing and growth. Only when we have learned everything transitional love was meant to teach us will we free ourselves to move beyond it and create lasting connection.

​Stable people attract stability. In Part Three of this series, we will explore in more detail how to equip your post-loss toolbox with the most powerful implement of all: a solid life of your own!

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA.  

Feeling lost after divorce?  Schedule a free consultation to find out how therapy or counseling can help you get back on track!
Schedule Your Free Consultation Now
0 Comments

Decoding The Mystery Of The Transitional Relationship - Part 1

2/20/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture
"It is what I was born for--to look, to listen, to lose myself inside this soft world--to instruct myself over and over..."
-Mary Oliver
The ending of a relationship is like a death. Whether we are the leaver or the left, all of us experience acute grief within the first year after it's over. In the existential void created by loss, many of us seek comfort in life's cosmic layaway plan: the transitional relationship. In Part One of this thee-part series, we explore why so many newly separated individuals run, head-first into new love, while onlookers scratch their heads thinking, “Didn’t your partner leave, like, five minutes ago?"

The siren's call of new romance is often heeded for three, perfectly valid reasons. The first one is fear. Though our former relationship no longer worked, the role of boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife was still the reference point upon which we relied for normalcy. When the lighthouse suddenly disappears, we become rudderless in the water. One minute we are confidently rowing toward the shore, the next we are swept out by the current. We are eager to determine the shape of our future, while desperately longing for a past that doesn't fit anymore. We yearn to do what we know (be partnered) but, whether by ours or someone else's choice, we can't do it with the person most familiar. In the insanity of the emotional riptide, who wouldn't want to call in the coast guard? Enter: the transitional lover. 

The second reason is the shame. We invested so much in our last relationship, its ending must mean something awful about us. We grapple with regret about what could or should have been done. Worried our former partner will be our last, we feverishly go about proving to ourselves that we are lovable and, by God, we will make something work...even if that something more closely resembles a train wreck than the fairy tale for which we are hoping. It is as if there is some mysterious “sell by” date that requires us to take immediate action, lest we reach it, even when our actions make no logical sense whatsoever. And, usually, they don’t. Because feelings don't have brains. 

Biology is the third reason newly bereft individuals careen toward the dating scene. In the wake of grief, our brain chemistry closely resembles that of a depressed person. In the throws of new romance, the brain produces high levels of two neurotransmitters, called dopamine (the body's natural "feel good drug") and oxytocin (the "cuddle hormone"). I like to refer to this powerful little cocktail as "love crack." While under its blissful influence, we are easily duped into believing our shiny, new romance--our "fresh" start--is an antidote for the pain of loss. Sure, drugs are often accompanied by negative long-term side effects but, like the drunkest person at the party who wrangles the host for his car keys, the critically wounded are often oblivious to their impairment. Our brain chemistry enlists us in righting itself, consequences be damned. 

The good news is that all of our choices, even the unconscious ones, are necessary for our growth and learning. We will continue to manifest the lessons until we are ready to know them. When we ignore grief's wisdom, grief seeks us, over and over again, until we are ready to hear what it has to say. This is the true spiritual purpose of the transitional relationship. 

Just as the pain of a broken limb beckons us to rest in a quiet place until it is healed, so too does a broken heart. It's just that grief's panic incites us to do the opposite of what is needed: nothing. The potential for healing resides in stillness. When the flow of grief's tide ebbs, what's left on the sand are precious insights about who we are, independently of the roles we once relied upon. The clearer we are about what is ours and what is not, the better partner we will be in our next relationship. 

If you've recently experienced a breakup or divorce, while you may feel crazy, this instability is actually a normal, necessary part of the grieving process. If you opt for the cosmic layaway plan, that is okay--any residual lessons will find you at precisely the time you are ready to learn them. We cannot rush or force this process.

All of us are all simply choosing what we think we can handle in the moment. As the moment changes, so too might our desire to remain with a person chosen during a time of instability--this is a common transitional relationship phenomenon. Should your healing path require a dip in the waters of transitional dating, in Part Two of this series, we will build a flotation device to help you minimize destruction and maximize meaning. Stay tuned.

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA.  

Feeling lost after divorce?  Schedule a free consultation to find out how therapy or counseling can help you get back on track!
Schedule Your Free Consultation Now
0 Comments
    Seattle psychologist grief counselor and dating coach in Phinney Greenwood North Seattle

    Author

    Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, grief counselor, and dating coach. Her coaching and therapy practice is located in the Phinney - Greenwood area of North Seattle in Washington. 

    Archives

    May 2021
    March 2020
    November 2019
    July 2019
    April 2019
    February 2019
    December 2018
    October 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    September 2017
    July 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016

    Categories

    All
    Addiction
    Aging
    Anger
    Anger Management
    Anxiety
    Boundaries
    Compassion
    Conflict Resolution
    Counseling
    COVID-19
    Dating
    Dating After Divorce
    Death
    Deception
    Desperation
    Divorce
    Divorce And Children
    Election
    Family
    Fear
    Grief
    Humanity
    Infidelity
    Inner Child
    Insurance
    Life
    Loss
    Mindfulness
    Online Dating
    Overcoming Fear
    Pandemic
    Panic
    Parenting
    Personal Growth
    Rebound Dating
    Relationships
    Self Care
    Self Love
    Separation
    Sibling Relationships
    Talking To Kids About Divorce
    Therapy
    Transitional Relationships


Picture

Hours

M-F: 8:30 AM - 1:00 PM. 
By Appointment Only
​

Telephone & Email

​(206) 778-2780
jill@drjillgross.com


Office

​7107 Greenwood Avenue North, Suite D
Seattle, WA 98103



  • Home
  • ABOUT
    • Approach
    • Bio
  • Services
    • Grief Counseling
    • Separation / Divorce Counseling
    • Individual Counseling
    • Supervision & Consultation
  • FAQs
    • Therapy FAQs
    • Financial FAQs
    • COVID Updates
  • Forms
  • Blog
  • Contact