Dear Dr. Jill,
I’m a 35-year-old female who has been making the online dating rounds for a while now. After many dates with many people who were not a good fit, I finally met someone amazing. On the first date, sparks flew. We talked about wanting more out of life, being tired of the whole “casual hookup scene,” wanting to settle down, get married, and eventually have a family. The physical sparks were there too. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. I ended up staying the night and we ended up having sex. It was mind-blowing! Sex is something I vowed never to do on a first date. After one of the most amazing nights of my life, my date and I said goodbye and agreed to go out later in the week. He said he would call or text me to set something up. A week passed. Then two weeks. Then a third. I reached out to him a few times and, each time, he wrote back with brief, one-word answers. I asked about getting together. He responded vaguely and never got back to me. I was very hurt and confused by his behavior. Was this the same guy I met less than a month ago? Anyway. He reached out to me last night, asking to get together. I really like him and would very much like to see him again but I’m still stinging from the roller coaster of the last three weeks. I don't often meet men I'm so compatible with. I'm afraid of closing the door on something (or someone) with promise. Should I tell him that my feelings are hurt? Am I being too sensitive? Should I just accept his invitation and forget the whole thing ever happened? I don't want to scare him off by coming on too strong or by acting needy or clingy. Would appreciate your thoughts on what to do. Signed, Bothered and Bewildered Dear Bothered, Oh girl. What stands out most in your letter is not that you seem needy or clingy. It's the amount of fear and self-doubt you feel--only a few weeks after meeting this guy! I had two thoughts when I read your letter. The first pertains to the breaking of the vow you made to yourself about proceeding a bit more slowly when it comes to being intimate with someone. This is something most of us either have done or will do at some point in our lives. So no judgement here. That said, we need boundaries to feel safe and secure in any relationship, romantic and otherwise. When we behave out of accordance with our own boundaries, it is normal to feel insecure. In this case, I suspect your fear of seeming "needy" or "clingy" is a manifestation of this insecurity. The second thought I have is about your date's behavior. In short: it's really bad. I’m wondering if you feel confused because this man's behavior is the very definition of confusing: hot one minute; lukewarm—even cold—the next. Given the first date you described, anyone would be left wondering what the hell just happened. This is not needy or clingy. Yours is a natural reaction to inconsiderate behavior your date has yet to own or apologize for. This is a big red flag in my dating book. Before you do anything, I recommend sitting quietly with yourself and taking an honest inventory of what it is you really want. Do you want a hot fling or a deeper, more stable relationship with an emotionally available partner? Though his words may have indicated otherwise, I suspect your date is capable of offering you little more than a (temporary) good time. If you decide that you want stratospheric chemistry (aka white hot sex), by all means, accept his offer. Just know that, if you have real feelings for this man and/or if you want a real, committed partnership, each hookup with this guy is likely to be followed by an unceremonious thud back into fear, confusion, and yearning. For more on that, click here. Many of us mistake chemistry for connection. It’s easy to do. The former tends to be instantaneous, short-lived, and drug-like. The latter requires patience, consistency, and time to develop. Not exactly the stuff that James Bond movies are made of but, in the long run, a much better emotional bet. Bottom line: if a solid, stable partner is what you are really looking for, I strongly encourage you to look elsewhere. No man worth his salt would ever dream of leaving someone he cares for guessing about his feelings or intentions. Here’s to a more satisfying future dating experience! Yours in health, Dr. Jill Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, counselor and dating coach in Seattle, Washington. Emotionally unavailable partners got you down? You deserve better! Find out how hiring a dating coach can help you have a richer, more satisfying relationship experience. Schedule a free dating consultation today!
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As a Seattle based dating coach and consultant, I am frequently approached by earnest, well-educated individuals looking for real love. So many daters these days appear to be supplanting the substantive, slow-cooked intimacy narratives of yore with the relationship equivalent of fast food. We prefer chemistry over connection. And it needs to be easy, hot, and now. This can be a real drag for those of us looking to move past a first hookup and on to the complicated process of getting to know the person sitting across from us. The ability to feel and express emotions is unique to human beings. It is what distinguishes us from lizards. The mutual exchange of feelings is also one of the core components of real intimacy. So what do we do once we've surpassed the scripted “getting to know you” conversations associated with a first date? Here are seven questions that will help you coax your second date conversation toward the deep end of the pool:
There is a time and place for lighthearted, superficial banter. It’s a necessary part of getting to know someone. But, once the small talk has been folded and packed away, these questions will help you take your second (or third or fourth) date to the next level. And remember: the cornerstone of intimacy is the reciprocal exchange of sentiments. Ask only the questions you’re willing to answer yourself. What about you? What are some of the best out-of-the ordinary questions you’ve said or encountered on a date date? Leave a comment and let us know! Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, counselor and dating coach in Seattle, Washington. Find out more about how hiring a dating coach can help you have a richer, more satisfying relationship experience. Schedule a free dating consultation today!
A friend and I were chatting the other day about relationships. After a season of self-prescribed abstinence from the online dating community, this friend (a bright, vibrant forty-something) decided to jump back in the game.
My comrade had recently met an attractive individual with similar interests, goals, and values. She had assumed, were this to happen, that she would be awash with positive emotion. She assumed incorrectly. Instead of bunnies, rainbows, and Oprah moments, my dear friend was wracking her brain for the myriad of ways something could go wrong in the relationship. Perhaps her date would see aspects of her life that are still under construction. Perhaps her affection for this prospective partner would be unreciprocated. Perhaps the whole thing would crash to the earth in a magnificent fireball. In other words, the very thing my friend thought would fulfill her was now the source of considerable discomfort. My friend’s experience is actually quite common. On the verge of accomplishing our goals, it is common for many of us to feel restless or agitated. Why does this happen? The answer is somewhat complex. Longing is an unconscious manifestation of scarcity, the pervasive belief that we are not enough and/or that we do not have enough. Scarcity is fueled by fear and self-doubt. These feelings come with a dialogue that usually begins with “what if” and ends in loss or catastrophe. These stories can feel so real sometimes, we start responding to them as if they are true. They are not. They are merely representations of emotions that are meant to come and go. When we are anxious or fearful, our bodies and brains are compelled to seek—sometimes obsessively—for the people, places, or things we think will deliver us from scarcity. We are seduced by the notion that the perfect partner, job, house, will be our one-way ticket out of painful feelings. The greater our fear, the more urgently we seek to quell it. The wiser mind knows this is a fool’s errand, but fear is an irresistible salesman. Seduced by the idea that deliverance is just one person, place, or thing away, we become consumed by thoughts of the future. In so doing, lose touch with what we are feeling in the present moment. I like to call this “the seeking trance.” When we find what we are looking for, the trance is broken, our love affair with “someday” abruptly ends, we are catapulted into the present moment, and the feelings we were attempting to avoid come rushing into consciousness. Suddenly, the object of our craving becomes someone or something we don’t trust. Online dating can be a sticky wicket for precisely this reason. Each profile is carefully crafted by an individual who has his or her own unique relationship with fear and scarcity. The result is a collective mass of fear-based energy that manifests in unanswered messages by individuals who proclaimed interest, promising first dates who mysteriously disappear, salacious electronic threads that never yield an in-person meeting. (Sidebar: no wonder my friend was feeling overwhelmed by fear—online dating is a veritable roller coaster of hope and disappointment!) The next time you sense urgency in the absence emergency, this is a cue to pause and inquire. Ask yourself what you are afraid of. When we give a voice to fear, we deflate its power. Name your fear(s) out loud. If a child experiencing the same fear approached you for reassurance, how would you respond? Would you judge or criticize this child or would you surround him or her with loving grace? I suspect you would do the latter, so offer this gift to yourself. Repeat this process as often as needed. Remember that fear and desire are opposite sides of the same continuum. To move from one end, we must lovingly attend to the other. When we really listen to our fear, when we respond to self-doubt with loving kindness, we inch closer to desire. Just as fear begets scarcity, desire beget abundance. When we act from a fearful place, our energetic field constricts, practically guaranteeing we will not find what we are seeking. When we act from a place of authentic desire, we make room for the things want to find us and, when they do, we are more likely to value them. Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, dating consultation and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Want to have a richer, more satisfying online dating experience? Schedule a free consultation now!  Last week, on "Solo Parent Life," Dr. Robbin Rockett released Part One of a two-part series on Dating After Divorce. In that segment, Robbin and I discussed the importance of knowing what you want, what you don't want, and knowing when you are ready to start dating. In Part Two, Robbin and I discuss the finer points of online dating. Is your "type" no longer working for you? Want to write a killer profile? Interested in finding out how to distinguish a "yes, please" from a "no, thank you?" Tune in to Part Two of Dating After Divorce to learn more! Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA.
Want to learn more about to have a richer, more satisfying post-divorce dating experience? Schedule a free consultation now!  As Associate Producer of "Death: the podcast," I am behind the scenes pre-screening prospective guests, writing copy, and basically doing whatever is needed to keep the gears oiled. Recently, I took a turn in front of the microphone for a great new podcast called "Solo Parent Life." Hosted by psychologist and single parent, Dr. Robbin Rockett (I know--doesn't she have the BEST name ever? I love it!), the podcast provides support for those of us who are courageously traversing the path of the single parenthood. After a bit of post-divorce dating trial-and-error, I developed a system that helped me land a terrific guy (admittedly after kissing a few frogs). So I leapt at the chance to share some single-parent dating tips with Robbin's listeners. There was so much ground to cover, Robbin decided to split the show into two parts! How do you know when the time is right to start dating? What is the first step? What's the best frame of mind to adopt as a post-divorce dater? Find out by clicking the link below. And stay tuned for Part Two, due out next week. Enjoy! Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Want to learn how to date better, post-divorce? Schedule a free consultation now!
For many real-time relationship seekers, online dating sites are like bad cocktail parties--crawling with guests whom, by virtue of undiagnosed mental illness, addiction, or just plain bad manners, we would be better off never seeing again.
This does not, however, prevent those who no longer wish to trawl the local watering holes for love from casting wide virtual nets. We hope, this time, amidst the soggy leather boot, rusted tuna can, and weathered styrofoam cup, there might actually be a live one vigorously flopping about. It only takes just one. We've all experienced that moment where we realize the party ended about an hour before we left. The lights go up, the wrong people are making out with each other, and your boss, a few too many in the bag, starts telling you about last year's company fishing trip--for the third time! Online dating is no different. The first few weeks can be fun. "HunkOLove69" seems like a decent prospect, until you realize he is holding a dead fish and sporting an intoxicated blond on his arm who is probably not his sister. Needless to say, after the seventeenth lackluster coffee meetup with the HunkOLove69(s) of the online dating world, most of us are dying to get off the roller coaster of hope and disappointment. (Sidebar: Ladies, I strongly advise against messaging or responding to anyone over twenty-five with a username that remotely resembles 'HunkOLove69' and/or whose profile features either exes or dead things. Trust me on this one.) Here's how to tell when it's time to conclude your current online dating chapter: 1. All profiles start to look the same or you cannot remember whom you met where. When you cannot remember if you hit it off with Billy the bartender or Eddie the engineer, it could be time to step away and reset. None of us is our best self when we are so overloaded with information we cannot fully experience the person sitting across from us. Both you and the people you meet deserve to get the best version of you. A short vacation from online dating can reacquaint you with your best self. 2. You spend more time doubting yourself and your future. This is a tough one. While it is normal to feel disappointed or unsure about what the future holds, if you spend an increasing amount of time questioning whether you have what it takes to sustain a relationship, it is time to pause for fresh air and a new perspective. There is someone out there for you and you are worth the time it takes to meet him or her! 3. You feel jaded. Jadedness can easily creep in when the negative experiences outweigh the positive. When you start hearing yourself say things like, “All of the good ones are taken.” or “All guys/girls online are either crazy or defective,” or anything like this, step back for a few weeks (or a few months) and reestablish a curious mind. Online daters enjoy their experiences more when they approach prospective dates with openness, not foregone conclusions about damaged goods. 4. You experience a noticeable lack of interest in reaching out, responding to messages, or scheduling dates. When you start ignoring or not caring about the entire experience, this is usually a response to feeling jaded (see above). It's time to take the bench for a bit. 5. You're getting fewer and fewer visits and messages. Just as real estate agents see the most activity within the first few weeks of a listing, so too do online daters. We humans love bright, shiny objects. The newer your profile, the more visits and messages you will receive. It is normal to see action decrease significantly after a few weeks. If you are paying for a site subscription, I recommend signing up month-to-month and taking every other month off. Use the offline months to tuck into your own life (i.e., do more of what you love and spend time with the people who matter), rework your profile language, and upload fun new pictures. Changing up your profile and re-listing it after thirty days will do wonders for generating new traffic! So, what now? Most clients panic when I suggest they take a break from online dating, citing “What if the right person is out there and I miss him or her because my profile is hidden?” Most sentences that begin with “What if” are fear-based. Fear is not a good reason to continue a process that isn't working for you. Fear leads to places we are guaranteed not to find what we seek, so you are wasting your precious time if you choose to remain online for this reason. There is no such thing as “right person, wrong time.” If you are meant to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right online, he or she will be active and emotionally available at precisely the time you are; trust fate. We cannot rush or force outcomes. Simply show up, make an effort, and pause when rest is needed. Have faith in yourself and you will get where you need to go. Ok. Enough about my thoughts--let's hear yours! When did you know it was time to take a break from online dating? Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Online dating got you down? Schedule a free consultation and learn how to date like a boss!
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AuthorDr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, grief counselor, and dating coach. Her coaching and therapy practice is located in the Phinney - Greenwood area of North Seattle in Washington. Archives
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