DR. JILL GROSS
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Six Tips For Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce

7/8/2019

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"Change is hard. And it never hurries. It wears you down, with its sound and its fury. 
​

​-Jaspar Lepak

On the cusp of a breakup, separation, or divorce, it is common for people to focus mostly on what they will lose:  a spouse or partner, time with their children, relationships with the ex's family and friends. The list goes on and on.

As a separation and divorce counselor, I like to help clients honor the pain of loss while reminding them of what will also be gained: relief from the tension of a relationship that wasn't working, the confidence of knowing they can thrive on their own, new experiences with people they've yet to meet. This list, too, can go on and on.

When the basic business of just getting by (e.g., getting out of bed, taking a shower, going to work, etc.) seems herculean, it's hard to trust that the future will be bright. But, with a little mindfulness, some time, and some effort, it is possible to thrive after a breakup, separation, or divorce.

If you are in the pain trenches of acute loss, here are a few tips to help guide you toward a brighter future:


  1. Create a list of goals or intentions.  Start by asking yourself where you would like to be one week, one month, and one year from now. Some examples I've heard are, “I would like to have more good days than hard days.” or “I would like to gain financial independence.” or “I would like to have a harmonious co-parenting relationship with my ex.” Make a detailed list of your intentions. Visualize these goals as if they have already been achieved.  Ask yourself what is different about your new life. How are you spending your time? How do you feel? When we are in pain, it's easy to place our focus on what we want less of.  This exercise makes space for what you want more of.  When we focus on desire, automatically, our behavior will align with our goals.
  2. Forgiveness.  Anger is a normal, healthy part of the grieving process, especially when we did not want a relationship to end and/or when we have been betrayed by someone we love. Anger can also be a useful tool in creating the distance we need to heal. However, when we hold on to anger, we dig two graves, only one of which will be occupied (hint: not by our exes). It is commonly believed that forgiveness is a hall pass for bad behavior. It is not. It’s also a myth that forgiveness means we must grant an all-access pass to the person who hurt us. Forgiveness is a purely selfish act. In forgiving others, we set ourselves free to move forward.
  3. Avoid pain shopping. “I feel so much better after seeing my suntanned ex canoodling with his/her new lover on the sandy beaches of a faraway tropical paradise!” Said no one. Ever. In fact, technology has made breaking up much more difficult and confusing. Staying technologically connected to exes gives away our most precious resources: time and energy. This time and energy is better spent rebuilding the life we have vs. deconstructing the life we had. Pay attention to how your online behavior is making you feel. If you feel more scared, sad, lonely, ashamed or angry, it’s wise to consider replacing that behavior with something more constructive. Consider blocking your ex on all social media. This is not a form of punishment. It's a conscious choice to protect yourself from needless pain exposure.
  4. Get support. Heartache can easily turn to despair when it’s treated with neglect or isolation. Now is the best possible time to lean on your support network (e.g., friends, family, counselors, and/or anyone else who reminds you that you are not alone). Asking for help is a sign of strength.
  5. Expand your social orbit. This. Cannot. Be. Emphasized. Enough. Relying exclusively on people who are connected to your ex can get complicated, particularly when the split is acrimonious. Forming relationships with people who are unattached to your marital story is an essential part of creating a post-divorce life. Making new friends in mid-life requires creativity and elbow grease. But it is worth it!  When my ex and I split in 2009, I forced myself off the couch and into a support group filled with newly separated strangers. One of those strangers is now one of my closest friends. Not sure where to start? Ask yourself if there is something you have always wanted to try and/or do more of when you were partnered. Search online for a social group that coincides with that interest.  Meetup.com is a great resource.  So are local Facebook neighborhood groups.
  6. Get comfortable with discomfort. Venturing out of our comfort zones is the only way we grow. After you’ve spent some time in the Netflix  and Haagen-Dazs cocoon, challenge yourself to do at least one thing per week that is scary (but not dangerous), new, interesting, and/or completely unrelated to life with your former partner or spouse. Consider trying that restaurant you could never talk your ex into patronizing. Volunteer at an organization whose mission aligns with your core values. The worst thing that could happen is that you will feel uncomfortable. Discomfort is temporary. The best thing that could happen is that you discover a new passion, meet some new people (see #5), and experience the gift of your own courage.

Even if you don’t believe it right now (which is okay), you are heading toward wherever you are meant to go. What if this ending is an invitation to feel as whole as you already are? 

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce consultation, co-parenting support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. If you would like support in finding the forward path, schedule a free consultation to see how divorce counseling can help.


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8 Ways To Help Yourself Through The Early Stages Of Grief

2/3/2019

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All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” 

-Havelock Ellis

Early grief is a basket of contradictions. The pain tells us to “do” something but everything hurts and there is nothing we want to do. We want the pain to stop but letting it go feels like a betrayal: of the deceased, of us, of our grief. We long for supportive company but accepting well-intended offers from people who have no idea what we are going through makes us feel even more alone.

In moments like these, our pain seems unsoothable: nothing can be done or said to make it dissipate.


It’s okay to long for the life you had with your loved one. And, it is equally important to keep going forward with life as it is now.

There’s a good chance you feel as sad as you do because you deeply loved someone and because you were deeply loved in return. The truest form of love is the unselfish wish for another to be happy, even when we cannot be with them in physical form. By continuing to care for yourself, you are not only honoring the person you lost, you are stepping toward your own aliveness. Which, conveniently, happens to be the best forward path after loss. We do this slowly, one moment, one day, one week at a time.

Here are a few tips to help reconnect you with your own aliveness:


  1. Thank your grief.  Thoughts will sometimes tell us we should be anywhere other than where we are. This is the brain’s benevolent, albeit ineffective, attempt at willing the body into a more pleasant emotional state. When feelings don’t have full permission to exist, they attach themselves to us in unhealthy ways. Pain is a normal, necessary part of the healing process. Welcome it. Say a quiet “thank you” to your grief for helping you heal. Do this, even if it feels like you’re going through the motions. (Sidebar: you will feel like you’re going through the motions--pretty much all of the time--for a good while after someone dies. This is normal.)
  2. Break the day into chunks. During the darkest times, the idea of getting through an entire day can feel impossible. I recommend breaking the day into chunks: breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bedtime. Congratulate yourself when you reach the threshold of each chunk.
  3. Start small and celebrate often.  Set small goals for yourself each day.  “Shower before breakfast” or “Make and eat a sandwich” count as goals. Be creative. This living thing is hard. When you achieve each goal, give yourself a hearty back pat. You deserve it!
  4. Find your tribe. Grief starts to resemble despair when it is done in isolation. Humans are social creatures. Seeking out others who are also rebuilding their lives after loss is a tangible way to honor grief. Find a support group in your area and join it.  Go at least three times before deciding if it's right for you. So many grievers will say that finding their tribe was the single most important step they took in the healing process.
  5. Move your body.  Emotions are physical events—we can literally move through them. Find a safe, doable form of physical activity and set a goal to do it for 15-30 minutes per day.
  6. Stretch beyond your comfort zone. Avoiding new things because they scare us  is like pouring gasoline on the embers of fear. Fortunately, the reverse is also true. The embers of happiness, joy, excitement, and contentment cannot be spotted from your couch. One way to spread the flames of your own aliveness is to make a list of one or two small things that are outside of your comfort zone (and your couch). Do them, even if you don’t really want to.  Repeat until these activities are part of your new comfort zone.
  7. Speak kindly to yourself.  We are more likely to advocate for people we like so, when you are in pain, speak to yourself as if you are a valued friend.  Gently remind yourself that you are doing your best to take care of yourself.
  8. Be patient. “Other people expect me to be over it by now” is one of the most common phrases I hear from my bereavement counseling clients. While others may have shifted their focus to the news of the day, their shift in focus does not diminish your loss. Nor is it a mandate to stop tending to your grief.  Building a new life shape takes time. Give yourself the time you deserve.

Speaking of time, now may be a good one to remind you that, everything, even your pain, is designed to be temporary. You will hurt for a while but you won't feel this way forever. With each day that passes, each forward step you take, you are succeeding are rebuilding your life. And that is more than enough.

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce consultation, co-parenting support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Having trouble rebuilding after the death of a parent, spouse, child, family member or friend? Schedule a free consultation to see how grief counseling can help you move forward in a healthy way.  

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Help! My future mother-in-law is driving me crazy!

9/27/2017

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 "We hear only those questions for which we are in a position to find answers." 
- Friedrich Nietszche



Howdy folks! In my years of being both a participant and leader of therapy groups, public speaking engagements, etc. I’ve learned that, if one person has a question, chances are, others in the group have the same (or similar) question. If that question never gets asked, then no one gets the benefit of learning from it! It is for this reason I’ve decided to experiment with something a little different.

Over the past few months, I’ve gotten so many great questions via “Ask The Shrink,” that I’ve decided to publish them here on the blog. The question below is one I recently received from a reader and, given the frequency with which the topic comes up in my therapy and counseling practice, I couldn’t wait to share it with the rest of you!

So, if you’ve got a question, click here to ask it and you may just see your question answered in a future blog post! Of course, all identifying information will be omitted to protect your anonymity.

Hi Dr. Gross,

I have a problem with my boyfriend's mother. My boyfriend and I have been dating about two years. We are both in our late 20's. My boyfriend's mother has a history of not liking her other children's "significant others." However, it really bothers me that his mother is so standoffish and judgmental towards me. Her tone and eyes are cold and she rarely offers positive affirmations of my life happenings. It makes me feel insecure and sad. My boyfriend is sad about it too. He talks to his dad who is also uncomfortable with his wife's behavior. I want to have a happy relationship with her. It is especially scary to imagine marrying my boyfriend and having her for a mother-in-law. Not sure what to do...

I look forward to hopefully reading guidance you may have.

Best Wishes,

"Maybe-in-Law"

Dear Maybe,

First of all, thank you for broaching this topic! Learning how to relate to a partner’s family can be quite complex, particularly when members of that family seem reluctant to engage.

When I read your letter, the first thought I had was that your boyfriend’s mother feels exactly the way her actions make you feel: sad and insecure (scared).

Parenthood is a complicated stew of emotions: we want our children close yet we must also accept that they do eventually grow up. I think your partner's mother is grappling with this very issue and, rather than acknowledging the fear and sadness it often evokes, she is taking it out on the poor, unsuspecting partners of her now-adult children. In this case, that unsuspecting partner is you.

You feel sad and insecure for a good reason: no one wants to be pushed away by a member of their beloved's family!


If there is anything to be said or done about this, your boyfriend is the best candidate for the job. Assuming he hasn’t already done so, I would encourage him to talk with his mother and say something like, “Mom, I love you and my girlfriend so much. Nothing would make me happier than for all of us to be close and have fun together. How do you think this can happen?” This question states your boyfriend’s wishes clearly while enlisting his mother to be part of the solution. Win-win!

If your boyfriend’s mother denies her behavior or gets defensive, he gets to decide the best way to set appropriate boundaries with his mother while protecting his allegiance to you. Then, the two of you get to decide on your own how much time you choose to spend with someone whose actions leave you feeling sad, insecure, or both.

The fact that her son is ready to start a life and family of his own is a testament to what a good job his mother has done...she just doesn't know this yet.

Keep in mind that time and consistent kindness can thaw even the iciest conditions. Though things may be a bit frosty right now, if your boyfriend’s mother continues to witness how happy you make her son, she may eventually conclude that the best way to honor him is to accept the person he is choosing to spend his life with.

Thank you again for entrusting this community with your question. Best wishes to you as you navigate this challenging situation!


Yours in health,
Dr. Jill


Speaking of community, have any of you successfully worked through in-law issues? We would all benefit from knowing how you did it! Please share your story in the comments section below. Also, feel free to share this post with anyone who may be asking their own version of this question!

​

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA.  If you've got questions about your own relationship, schedule a free consultation to find out how therapy or counseling can help you!
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On Scarcity And Gratitude

5/9/2017

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"He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." 
​-Epictetus

Something strange is happening in Seattle. Mother nature appears to have gotten the memo, albeit a month later than the rest of the country, that Spring has arrived.

As I’m writing this, it’s a balmy 74 degrees outside, the gardens are in full bloom. Like earthworms after a good soaking, Seattleites are creeping out in droves from their bookstores and coffee shops to pay tribute to the one thing we all yearn for but cannot control: the sun.

Closet mainstays of Gortex and fleece have been temporarily exchanged for tank tops and shorts. The Greenlake lawn is smattered with blankets and picnic baskets. Translucent limbs gently tip toward the golden orb that forsakes them for two-thirds of the year. 

Fellow park goers pass one another with chins held a little higher, smiles a little wider, freely spouting weather-related pleasantries, exchanging gleeful, knowing glances. It is as if everyone in the city is holding the same winning lottery ticket.

While out walking today, I started thinking about why Seattleites go nuts when the weather is nice. A story came to mind about a man who immigrated to the United States from a poor, rural part of India. Upon his first trip to an American grocery store, the man fell to his knees and wept. When his companion asked why the man was crying, he replied, “Such abundance! How is one to appreciate anything?” 

Indeed, the first sunny day in Seattle nicely exemplifies how scarcity can beget tremendous gratitude. The city's residents savor every moment of sunshine because we know it won’t be long before it disappears. We resent the rain, yet we also know it is the prerequisite for the flowers and fruit trees that dazzle us come springtime.

Life is the same way. When we are experiencing a long stretch of suffering or scarcity for which there is no scheduled ending, it is easy to get mired in dark emotions. Every human emotion comes with its own, unique script. Most commonly, when we are suffering, we feel hopeless which, for most of us, sounds like “I am trapped in a hole that is too steep to climb. I will be here forever.” These thoughts are pretty convincing. They seem real, but they are not true. Hopelessness is just like any other emotion, free to come and go, once fully permitted to exist.

It is normal to resist suffering out of fear of being carried away by its undertow. In lieu of curious examination of our feelings, we often shame or judge ourselves for having them.

Allowing space for dark emotions is not synonymous with succumbing to them. The opposite is true. The more we resist what we are feeling, the more likely our feelings will manifest in ways that don’t serve us (e.g., explosive rage, drinking or drug use, shopping, gambling, etc). In other words, we are fated to act out our feelings until we are ready to learn from them.

Life is fraught with suffering. We cannot sidestep it altogether; we must go through it. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you inch your way forward: 

  1. Recognition: No matter how difficult or painful, we must first turn toward the truth. We cannot work with what we do not first acknowledge. 
  2. Purpose and Meaning: You would not be feeling this way unless something important was happening! It is likely this rough stretch is clearing space for something smoother. All suffering has both purpose and meaning. The depth of suffering is directly proportional the significance of what we are meant to learn from it.   
  3. Gratitude: This one is a super important. No matter how dark the pit or how high its walls, gratitude is in there somewhere. Need ideas? When I am really stuck, I remember to feel grateful for opposable thumbs. Aren’t they magnificent? Thanks to my thumbs, I can grasp a warm, soothing cup of coffee, draw a bath, or bake something delicious to share with neighbors. Find at least one thing—every day—for which you are grateful. Write it down in a gratitude journal.
  4. Generosity: Giving to others is the portal to deeper connection. Feel like you don't have much to offer? Try time. Time is our most valuable gift. And, bonus, it’s completely free! Perhaps there is a park nearby that needs a cleanup (another shoutout to opposable thumbs), a senior citizen who would welcome some company, a neighbor who would gladly accept a plate of delicious baked goods. If you have children, try giving some quality time to them. 
  5. Belonging: Life is meant to be shared, especially when we are suffering. This is the BEST time to draw a circle around us that is wider than ourselves. Reach out to family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc.  As freakish or distant as we may feel when we are suffering, we are only alone as we choose to be.
Fortunately, we do not need a roadmap to find a way out of pain.  All that is needed is a willingness to consider that all darkness eventually yields to the light. 

Sometimes the lessons we are meant to learn from suffering require additional resources, such as a licensed psychologist, therapist, or counselor. If everything you’ve tried on your own doesn’t seem to be working for you, widen your circle to include a trusted professional. Your mental health is worth the investment!  

Have you found an effective way out of suffering? Tell us all about it in the comments section below!


Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA.  Scarcity got you down? Schedule a free consultation to find out how therapy or counseling can help you lead the life of abundance you deserve! 
Schedule Your Free Consultation Now

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    Seattle psychologist grief counselor and dating coach in Phinney Greenwood North Seattle

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    Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, specializing in grief and divorce. Her coaching and therapy practice is located in the Phinney - Greenwood area of North Seattle in Washington. 

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  • Home
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    • The Seattle Young Widows Club
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