The loss of a spouse or soul mate can generate so many questions.
In the acute fog of grief, each moment is its own unique world--changing all the time. We wonder about the basics of survival. How will we get through each day? Will we ever feel 'normal' again?
As time passes, the content of our questions shifts toward a greater curiosity about what the future holds. We ask who will hold us again or how we will know the time is right to accept new love into our hearts. What follows is a letter from one reader who, five years after losing her beloved soul mate, is grappling with some of these questions and the feelings that go with them.
I hope this letter can be of use to any of you who may be wrestling with how to move forward after losing a spouse or partner.
Feel free to share your sentiments and questions in the comments section below. I look forward to hearing from you!
Dear Dr. Jill,
My husband of twenty-five, amazing, fun-filled years died suddenly of an aneurism about five years ago. I’m not exaggerating when I say John was everything to me. He was my lover, my best friend, my traveling companion. We had two beautiful children. We were inseparable.
When John died, my life came to a screeching halt. I can barely remember the first year or two after my soul mate's death. There were days when I couldn’t get out of bed or see anyone. I had trouble eating, showering—even parenting my then teenaged children.
There were times when the pain was so bad I thought it would kill me. And there were moments when I actually wanted it to, just so John and I could be together.
With the support of my family, friends, and church, I slowly crawled out of the dark hole I was in. I started eating, showering, attending church services, and reengaging with my friends and family. Life is still hard without John but I’m managing as well as can be expected.
About six months ago, a fellow church member (I’ll call him Chuck) started asking me to do things. A dinner here. A movie there. I’ve known Chuck since before John died, so I assumed he was just being friendly. However, a few weeks ago, Chuck told me he was interested in something more than friendship.
At first, I panicked and told him I was not ready to date. I made a few awkward jokes and then quickly changed the subject. I figured all would return to normal and that would be that.
Since that night, I cannot stop thinking about Chuck. Each time I do, I instantly think about John and then I feel guilty. I try to push the thoughts about Chuck out of my head. I haven’t been able to do it.
It’s been five years since his death and, yet, I feel like I'm being disloyal to John. I’m worried that my children and my church community will judge me if I start dating again.
And what if things don’t work out with Chuck? What then? I’ve relied so heavily upon my church since John died, I’m afraid that a relationship with Chuck might jeopardize my place in the community I've come to rely on.
I’m so confused. If I have all of these questions, does that mean that I’m not ready to date? Or does it mean that Chuck is not the right person to date?
I was with John for so long and things were so easy. I am not sure I know what is normal and what is a sign that I’m making a bad choice.
Any advice you have is appreciated.
When To Say When
If my arms were long enough, I would reach out and hug you right now!
The depth of your love and commitment to John came through in your words. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to learn how to move forward without him.
What also came through in your letter was the transformative power of grief.
Though it wasn’t easy, after the initial “grief fog” lifted, you leaned into your support system and created a new normal for yourself. This takes courage and tenacity. Thus, it’s no surprise that any man would feel drawn to your strength!
The questions you are asking suggest the presence of both fear and its most reliable sidekick, self-doubt.
These feelings make sense. The last time your heart was open, it was devastated by loss. Of course you would feel unnerved as the door to your heart slowly creaks open again.
Fear, self-doubt, and romantic attraction do not have to spell disaster or disloyalty. They can instead signify the awakening of parts of yourself that have been dormant since John’s death. Aliveness, in whatever form it presents itself, is always a good thing!
It is not necessary (nor is it possible) to know how things will turn out with Chuck. In fact, the outcome may matter less than you think. What's more important is the conscious choice to turn toward your own vitality.
When granted permission to do so, the heart will naturally make space for more love. John will always be a unique and integral chapter of your love story. Neither his death nor your choice to seek joy with a new partner will change or undo that.
In closing, I would like answer your questions with two of my own: What if there were no mistakes? What your grief gave you everything you need to handle this situation? Proceeding as if both of these things are true will go a long way toward figuring out the next best step. Good luck!
Yours In Health,
Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist and grief counselor in the Phinney - Greenwood area of North Seattle. If you are struggling with the death of a spouse, help is just a click away. Schedule a free consultation to see how grief therapy can help you rediscover your own aliveness!
Dear Dr. Jill,
I’m a 35-year-old female who has been making the online dating rounds for a while now. After many dates with many people who were not a good fit, I finally met someone amazing.
On the first date, sparks flew.
We talked about wanting more out of life, being tired of the whole “casual hookup scene,” wanting to settle down, get married, and eventually have a family.
The physical sparks were there too. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. I ended up staying the night and we ended up having sex. It was mind-blowing!
Sex is something I vowed never to do on a first date.
After one of the most amazing nights of my life, my date and I said goodbye and agreed to go out later in the week. He said he would call or text me to set something up.
A week passed. Then two weeks. Then a third.
I reached out to him a few times and, each time, he wrote back with brief, one-word answers. I asked about getting together. He responded vaguely and never got back to me.
I was very hurt and confused by his behavior. Was this the same guy I met less than a month ago?
Anyway. He reached out to me last night, asking to get together. I really like him and would very much like to see him again but I’m still stinging from the roller coaster of the last three weeks.
I don't often meet men I'm so compatible with. I'm afraid of closing the door on something (or someone) with promise.
Should I tell him that my feelings are hurt? Am I being too sensitive? Should I just accept his invitation and forget the whole thing ever happened? I don't want to scare him off by coming on too strong or by acting needy or clingy.
Would appreciate your thoughts on what to do.
Bothered and Bewildered
What stands out most in your letter is not that you seem needy or clingy. It's the amount of fear and self-doubt you feel--only a few weeks after meeting this guy!
I had two thoughts when I read your letter.
The first pertains to the breaking of the vow you made to yourself about proceeding a bit more slowly when it comes to being intimate with someone. This is something most of us either have done or will do at some point in our lives. So no judgement here.
That said, we need boundaries to feel safe and secure in any relationship, romantic and otherwise. When we behave out of accordance with our own boundaries, it is normal to feel insecure. In this case, I suspect your fear of seeming "needy" or "clingy" is a manifestation of this insecurity.
The second thought I have is about your date's behavior. In short: it's really bad.
I’m wondering if you feel confused because this man's behavior is the very definition of confusing: hot one minute; lukewarm—even cold—the next.
Given the first date you described, anyone would be left wondering what the hell just happened. This is not needy or clingy. Yours is a natural reaction to inconsiderate behavior your date has yet to own or apologize for. This is a big red flag in my dating book.
Before you do anything, I recommend sitting quietly with yourself and taking an honest inventory of what it is you really want.
Do you want a hot fling or a deeper, more stable relationship with an emotionally available partner?
Though his words may have indicated otherwise, I suspect your date is capable of offering you little more than a (temporary) good time. If you decide that you want stratospheric chemistry (aka white hot sex), by all means, accept his offer.
Just know that, if you have real feelings for this man and/or if you want a real, committed partnership, each hookup with this guy is likely to be followed by an unceremonious thud back into fear, confusion, and yearning. For more on that, click here.
Many of us mistake chemistry for connection. It’s easy to do. The former tends to be instantaneous, short-lived, and drug-like. The latter requires patience, consistency, and time to develop. Not exactly the stuff that James Bond movies are made of but, in the long run, a much better emotional bet.
Bottom line: if a solid, stable partner is what you are really looking for, I strongly encourage you to look elsewhere. No man worth his salt would ever dream of leaving someone he cares for guessing about his feelings or intentions.
Here’s to a more satisfying future dating experience!
Yours in health,
Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, counselor and dating coach in Seattle, Washington. Emotionally unavailable partners got you down? You deserve better! Find out how hiring a dating coach can help you have a richer, more satisfying relationship experience. Schedule a free dating consultation today!
As a Seattle based dating coach and consultant, I am frequently approached by earnest, well-educated individuals looking for real love.
So many daters these days appear to be supplanting the substantive, slow-cooked intimacy narratives of yore with the relationship equivalent of fast food.
We prefer chemistry over connection. And it needs to be easy, hot, and now.
This can be a real drag for those of us looking to move past a first hookup and on to the complicated process of getting to know the person sitting across from us.
The ability to feel and express emotions is unique to human beings. It is what distinguishes us from lizards. The mutual exchange of feelings is also one of the core components of real intimacy.
So what do we do once we've surpassed the scripted “getting to know you” conversations associated with a first date?
Here are seven questions that will help you coax your second date conversation toward the deep end of the pool:
There is a time and place for lighthearted, superficial banter. It’s a necessary part of getting to know someone. But, once the small talk has been folded and packed away, these questions will help you take your second (or third or fourth) date to the next level.
And remember: the cornerstone of intimacy is the reciprocal exchange of sentiments. Ask only the questions you’re willing to answer yourself.
What about you? What are some of the best out-of-the ordinary questions you’ve said or encountered on a date date? Leave a comment and let us know!
Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, counselor and dating coach in Seattle, Washington. Find out more about how hiring a dating coach can help you have a richer, more satisfying relationship experience. Schedule a free dating consultation today!
Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, grief counselor, and dating coach. Her coaching and therapy practice is located in the Phinney - Greenwood area of North Seattle in Washington.