7 Ways To Support Someone Who Is Grieving

​“Mourning is the constant re-awakening that things are now different”.

-Stephanie Ericsson

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In an ambiguous world, few things are both certain and final.  Death is one of them, yet many of us don't know what to do when someone we love loses someone they love.

As a grief therapist and counselor, I have observed over the years how intricately fear and anxiety are stitched into the grieving process--for both the griever and for his or her support system.

The most common fear among those asked to bear witness to grief is that of saying or doing the wrong thing. This is understandable. We would never want loved ones to hurt more than they are already hurting, certainly not by something we said or did. We may err on the side of staying away, giving those in mourning the space we tell ourselves they need, which, if we are totally honest, is really a way of protecting ourselves from the discomfort associated with making a mistake.

There is only one problem with this approach.

Anyone in mourning will tell you that it hurts most when others say or do nothing at all.

People in acute grief are ashamed of their vulnerability. They worry their pain is more than others can bear. Silent phones, empty mailboxes, and shadowless doorways confirm this fear.

Losing a loved one is like being dropped, without a map, into a foreign country where we don’t speak the language. Even the most mundane tasks seem unfamiliar or insurmountable. What better time for a friendly face to happen by with a warm hand, kind words, and a sandwich?

Here are a seven things you can do to show support for someone who is grieving:

1. Reach in. "Call me if you need anything" is one of the most well-intended things mourners will hear. It is also one of the least helpful. Even if they knew what they needed, it is unlikely people in acute grief would have the energy to get in touch. Rather than waiting for them to reach out, reach in. Look for projects that need doing and do them, without being asked. Something specific like, "I have set aside every Wednesday morning to drop by with coffee and take out the garbage." will be greatly appreciated. 
2. Listen: You can’t take your loved one’s pain away. Your loved one knows this. Grief longs to be witnessed and attentive listening is a way to show you care.
3. Send a card: Sending a card is a respectful, pleasant surprise for those who may need some space but still want to know they are thought of. Do this about a month after the memorial service is over. Thirty to sixty days after a death is the loneliest time for mourners--most of the loved ones have long since gone home and the casseroles have stopped coming. It’s also nice to get cards on birthdays, anniversaries, and/or any other occasion that may remind your loved one of the person s/he lost.
4. Share positive memories: Not only does talking about the deceased validate your loved one’s grief, it also connects them with the things they loved most about the person they lost. If you didn’t personally know him or her, encourage your friend to talk about a favorite characteristic, quirk, or memory of the person who died.
5. Drop off food/flowers: Hunger is one of the most basic signs that we are alive. Providing food is a loving way to acknowledge and nurture your loved one’s aliveness when he or she may not be able to do this for him or herself. If your friend associates a certain dish or cuisine with the deceased person, surprise him or her by dropping that dish off, with a card and flowers.
6. Take nothing personally: None of us is our best selves when we are acutely grieving. Thus, two of the best gifts we can give mourners are patience and grace. Much of what people do when they are grieving isn’t personal; try not to take it personally.
7. Donations to charity in the deceased’s honor: This is a lovely idea, particularly if the cause also meant something to the person who has passed.

Even if your texts, calls, and gestures go unanswered, I promise you they do not go unnoticed. Your presence communicates to your loved one, "I can handle this. I'm here. You matter."  

The above tips were originally featured in this article.  If you would like more suggestions on how to support someone who is grieving, be sure and check it out! If you have any thoughts on how to show support when a loved one dies, please feel free to share them in the comments section below.  
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Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. If you've recently experienced a loss and want to know more about how grief counseling can help you find the forward path, schedule a free consultation. ​

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