Decoding The Mystery Of The Transitional Relationship - Part 3

“It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for that long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security.” 
― Anne Morrow Lindbergh

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Rebuilding After Loss

In Parts One and Two of this series, we examined the primary reasons most of us choose to date in the immediate aftermath of loss and what to expect from dating within the first year of separation. Today, we will focus on the importance of creating a solid life, independent of relationship status.

Stable people attract stable people. When we are deeply rooted in own lives, we are better prepared to endure the fickle winds of the dating scene. With this in mind, here are some reminders and tips to consider:

• Time takes time. Just as it took a while for your former partner to become a reference point, so too will it take time to become your own. While there are no concrete rules about how long it takes to heal, there is something important about the first calendar year. Encountering each birthday, anniversary, and/or tradition formerly associated with our ex reminds us we are moving on. Moving on from someone we once deeply cared about can be a loss in and of itself, so it's okay to have mixed feelings as the wound closes.
• Get Active. Emotions are a physical process. By moving our bodies, we can literally move through grief. You don’t have to climb a mountain or run a marathon. Set a small goal for yourself and make it happen. When we take care of ourselves physically, we feel better mentally.
• Explore Interests. People with interests are interesting people. When we are doing what we love, we shine at our brightest frequency, so now is a great time to develop this part of you life. Plant that garden you've dreamt about or knit your niece the sweater you promised her three years ago. If you're unsure of where to start, think of all of the things you fantasized about doing while you were with your partner and try doing them by yourself. This may be sad or sentiment-filled at first. That is okay--change is hard. Each time we overcome the challenge of doing something new on our own, we gain confidence. And confidence is definitely something you want to bring to any future first date!
• Meet new people. It is important to forge relationships with people who have no investment in your prior relationship. We don’t have to sever long-standing ties; we simply get to make news ones. Wondering where to start? Meetup.com is a community-building organization that puts like-minded individuals in touch with one another. Don't see a meetup group for your area of interest? Create one! What better way to fill the hours once occupied by your former partner than establishing a solid social support network of your own? What's more, any well-adjusted future mate will find it attractive if you have your own friends.
• Trust more and confide often. Speaking of social support networks, this is the time to lean into yours. Think about the people in your life who know the real you and love you because of it. Speak the contents of your heart with these people; they will keep you upright when your legs give out. Furthermore, because loss sometimes shines its light on unhealed grief from the past, you may need more than what friends or family can provide. Should this happen, consider enlisting a qualified psychologist, therapist, or counselor to help you sort things out.
• Feel. Remember that fear, self-doubt, and loneliness are the normal emotional byproducts of single life. These feelings do not make you pathetic; they make you human. Try to feel your feelings without letting them define you. If you get overwhelmed, redirect your attention to your breath. Your breath is always there, inviting you to return to the present moment when fear of the unknown looms large. Even though you may not feel okay right now, you are okay. ​

• Keep Going. It is important to keep reminding yourself you already know how to live! No matter how hard it may seem, stay connected with the parts of your life you associate with normalcy, namely work, school, caring for minor children, etc. Better to feel sad while surrounded by the people and activities that give your life meaning than to be alone on your couch eating ice cream and watching bad nineties sitcom reruns. At first, you will feel as if you are simply going through the motions. Hang in there. It will get better!

Often, I am asked by the acutely grieving when the whole ordeal will be over. Grief unfolds on its own timeline and healing is retrospective. Often we must consider where we have been to fully appreciate how far we have come. Fortunately, it is not necessary to know how long something will last to keep choosing the next best step. Like a fawn on wobbly legs, we will stumble; this is normal. Each time we get back up again, we prove we are stronger than our pain.

Once we have (mostly) healed, the intensity of transitional love will start to lose its appeal. The day will come when we are no longer able to imagine being with the very person we once thought we couldn't live without. It is then we are truly ready for lasting connection. In the meantime, remember we are all doing our best to get where we are going. Be patient, kind, and honest with yourself as you work to transform your old life shape into a newer, stronger one!

If you have any questions about what you have encountered in this three-part series, feel free to ask them in the comments section below. Or, if you prefer to have your questions answered in a more private forum, click here!

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA.  

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