How To Talk To Your Children About Separation And Divorce

"Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love”

–Jennifer Weiner

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Just over half of marriages or domestic partnerships will end in separation or divorce. Though couples may struggle to reach consensus on numerous issues, most separating spouses can agree that protecting the child or children's best interest should be top priority. This sounds pretty straight forward yet, when adults posses intense feelings toward one another, it is anything but simple. 

If you and your soon-to-be ex are confused or struggling with how best to talk with your children about divorce, here are a few tips for keeping things on track:

• Decide before you tell.  I recommend telling the kids no more than 2-3 weeks prior to the scheduled move date. Children do best when their environments are as structured and predictable as possible.  Tell them after you and your spouse have determined when the change will occur, where each parent will be residing, and which days or dates the children will reside with each parent. For younger kids without smartphones, a paper calendar that is pre-marked with “Mommy/Daddy days/nights” can help them keep track of where and with whom they will be. Older kids with phones can use the calendar function to keep track of the new schedule. 

 

• Steer clear of birthdays, holidays, and special occasions. There is really never a ‘good time’ to tell your children that their parents have decided to divorce. That said, it’s wise to hold off on having the discussion until after a birthday, holiday, or other important occasion. If you can, tell them on a Friday and clear your weekend schedule. This gives parents and children time to be present with each other after the disclosure.

 

• When possible, tell them together. Now more than ever, kids need to see that their mom(s) and dad(s) are united in parenting. If you and your spouse can commit to being cordial and contained (which can be hard to do in the early stages), tell the children, together. It’s okay to cry a little in front of your children—tears are a healthy expression of sadness. Expressing some of your sadness can even give kids permission to feel their own. However, if one parent’s emotion starts to eclipse the conversation, the other parent needs to step in and say something like, “Your mom/dad is upset right now. This is hard for all of us. Let’s take a break for a few minutes and talk again in a little while.”

 

• Be brief, honest, and age-appropriate. Children deserve to be unfettered by adult feelings and relationship matters. Agree with your spouse beforehand on a short narrative in which there are no heroes or villains. I recommend something along the lines of,“Mom and Dad (or Mom and Mom/Dad and Dad) have been trying for a while to sort out some of our differences. Sometimes adults encounter issues or problems that words alone cannot resolve. Talking hasn't helped. So we have decided it would be better if we lived in separate houses. This is an adult decision and it is no one’s fault, especially not yours. We both love you very much and (provided this is accurate) we will both be here to help guide you through this.”  It is important to note that older children may wish--even demand--to know the reasons for the divorce. It is neither necessary nor appropriate for children to know the intimate details of their parents' relationship.  Tell them it is okay and normal to be curious but that the details of the divorce are best kept between adults. 

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• Tell them what will stay the same. Once you’ve told the kids about what will be changing, it’s important to remind them of what will remain the same: schools, teachers, celebrations (birthdays, holidays, rites of passage, etc.), sports teams, neighborhoods, time with both parents (assuming this applies). Additionally, kids appreciate hearing that divorce doesn’t change the makeup of their extended families (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.). Remind your children that you are still a family, now with parents who live in different houses. 

 

• Check back in every few days. The news will take time to digest. Ask your kids how they are feeling about the change. If they are sad, ask them what they typically do to help themselves when they feel down (read, draw, talk to their friends, etc.).  Even if they don’t bring it up themselves, checking in every so often lets children know the subject is safe to discuss. 

 

• Connect them with peers. As your children age, they will encounter more peers whose parents live in two houses. Ask your children what they know about their peers with divorced parents. What do their friends like about living in two houses?  What do they wish were different? Encourage your kids to connect with other children who come from two-household families. This helps them feel a greater sense of normalcy and belonging.

 

• Stick to the custody schedule. Particularly in the beginning, it is important to keep your children’s environment as predictable as possible. This bolsters trust and safety. Follow the custody schedule consistently and, if changes do occur, give your children plenty of prior notice so they know what to expect.

 

• Remind and reassure. Remind your children that, even though their parents will be living apart, you, their other parent, and their siblings are all in this together. Though they may be hurting now and it may take some getting used to, reassure them that all of you will eventually feel better about the divorce. 

 

• Speak kindly of your chid or children’s mother or father. This cannot be emphasized enough. Because children’s egos and identities are still forming, it is difficult for them to see their parents as separate beings. Thus, when one parent speaks negatively about the other in front of a child, it is the child who feels badly about him or herself. No matter how upset you are with your fellow co-parent, resist all temptation to make contemptuous statements about the other parent within earshot of your child or children. When children feel free to love each parent equally, they are better able to access their own natural resilience. 

It is normal for separating spouses to posses some degree of negative feelings about the other. This is particularly true in cases where one spouse did not have a choice about the divorce. Thus, I encourage both partners to lean into their adult support systems (friends, family, support groups, therapists or counselors, etc.). When the adults care for themselves and each other appropriately, everyone benefits, including and especially, the children.


Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, divorce therapist, and grief counselor in the Phinney - Greenwood area of North Seattle. If you have questions about how to nurture your children through divorce, help is just a click away.  Schedule a free consultation to see how divorce counseling and co-parent support can help you and your children thrive after divorce.

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