For many real-time relationship seekers, online dating sites are like bad cocktail parties--crawling with guests whom, by virtue of undiagnosed mental illness, addiction, or just plain bad manners, we would be better off never seeing again.
This does not, however, prevent those who no longer wish to trawl the local watering holes for love from casting wide virtual nets. We hope, this time, amidst the soggy leather boot, rusted tuna can, and weathered styrofoam cup, there might actually be a live one vigorously flopping about. It only takes just one. We've all experienced that moment where we realize the party ended about an hour before we left. The lights go up, the wrong people are making out with each other, and your boss, a few too many in the bag, starts telling you about last year's company fishing trip--for the third time! Online dating is no different. The first few weeks can be fun. "HunkOLove69" seems like a decent prospect, until you realize he is holding a dead fish and sporting an intoxicated blond on his arm who is probably not his sister. Needless to say, after the seventeenth lackluster coffee meetup with the HunkOLove69(s) of the online dating world, most of us are dying to get off the roller coaster of hope and disappointment. (Sidebar: Ladies, I strongly advise against messaging or responding to anyone over twenty-five with a username that remotely resembles 'HunkOLove69' and/or whose profile features either exes or dead things. Trust me on this one.) Here's how to tell when it's time to conclude your current online dating chapter: 1. All profiles start to look the same or you cannot remember whom you met where. When you cannot remember if you hit it off with Billy the bartender or Eddie the engineer, it could be time to step away and reset. None of us is our best self when we are so overloaded with information we cannot fully experience the person sitting across from us. Both you and the people you meet deserve to get the best version of you. A short vacation from online dating can reacquaint you with your best self. 2. You spend more time doubting yourself and your future. This is a tough one. While it is normal to feel disappointed or unsure about what the future holds, if you spend an increasing amount of time questioning whether you have what it takes to sustain a relationship, it is time to pause for fresh air and a new perspective. There is someone out there for you and you are worth the time it takes to meet him or her! 3. You feel jaded. Jadedness can easily creep in when the negative experiences outweigh the positive. When you start hearing yourself say things like, “All of the good ones are taken.” or “All guys/girls online are either crazy or defective,” or anything like this, step back for a few weeks (or a few months) and reestablish a curious mind. Online daters enjoy their experiences more when they approach prospective dates with openness, not foregone conclusions about damaged goods. 4. You experience a noticeable lack of interest in reaching out, responding to messages, or scheduling dates. When you start ignoring or not caring about the entire experience, this is usually a response to feeling jaded (see above). It's time to take the bench for a bit. 5. You're getting fewer and fewer visits and messages. Just as real estate agents see the most activity within the first few weeks of a listing, so too do online daters. We humans love bright, shiny objects. The newer your profile, the more visits and messages you will receive. It is normal to see action decrease significantly after a few weeks. If you are paying for a site subscription, I recommend signing up month-to-month and taking every other month off. Use the offline months to tuck into your own life (i.e., do more of what you love and spend time with the people who matter), rework your profile language, and upload fun new pictures. Changing up your profile and re-listing it after thirty days will do wonders for generating new traffic! So, what now? Most clients panic when I suggest they take a break from online dating, citing “What if the right person is out there and I miss him or her because my profile is hidden?” Most sentences that begin with “What if” are fear-based. Fear is not a good reason to continue a process that isn't working for you. Fear leads to places we are guaranteed not to find what we seek, so you are wasting your precious time if you choose to remain online for this reason. There is no such thing as “right person, wrong time.” If you are meant to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right online, he or she will be active and emotionally available at precisely the time you are; trust fate. We cannot rush or force outcomes. Simply show up, make an effort, and pause when rest is needed. Have faith in yourself and you will get where you need to go. Ok. Enough about my thoughts--let's hear yours! When did you know it was time to take a break from online dating? Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Online dating got you down? Schedule a free consultation and learn how to date like a boss!
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As a therapist, I often hear many different versions of, "If my partner/friend/family member would do more of this or less of that, I would be SO MUCH happier." Seems many of us believe the road to contentment is paved with another's intentions. When a loved one's behavior is overtly destructive, would a change likely do everyone some good? Sure. However, when we focus exclusively on someone else's motivations or actions, we forfeit our own power to affect change. A pointed finger merely identifies the person to whom we have relinquished it. Emotionally intense (heated) and/or familiar (repeated) arguments hold the key to identifying and resolving the childhood wounds that obstruct intimacy. The heated and repeated words we speak are usually (a) the words we needed to say at the time the wound was created (but we were too small or vulnerable to speak them), (b) what we most needed to hear from the person or people who initially hurt us, or (c) the words we are speaking about and for ourselves. Each time we notice and respond lovingly to our words in the present moment, we move toward healing the past. Each repetitive argument is life's way of asking us to clear the obstacles that keep us from loving more freely. Partners cannot clear these obstacles for us; we must do it ourselves. I know; I've been there. I once struggled in a relationship with someone who did not know how to respectfully treat others. After months of fruitless pleas for him to change, I realized I was the one who was being disrespectful: of him by expecting he morph into someone he wasn't and of myself for ignoring my own words. It was I who had to change. Over time, I came to appreciate how choosing an unhealthy relationship was a necessary part of learning to respect myself. Had I continued to direct my energy toward someone else's behavior, this lesson would have been missed entirely. The next time you find yourself shouting something you've said more than three times, I encourage you to accept life's invitation. Listen to your words. Love yourself by respecting your own words. Your words are a testament to your strength. Your words will tell you everything you need to know. Your thoughts? Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Feeling worn down by your own heated and repeated arguments? Schedule a free consultation to find out what these arguments may be trying to teach YOU!
Relationship issues are among the most common reasons people seek therapy, counseling, or coaching. When things aren't functioning optimally in our relational world, everything can seem off-kilter. No matter how varied the details of each situation, often, the root cause of relationship tension lies in the setting and maintaining of appropriate boundaries.
Personal boundaries foster safety and well-being in relationships. They are the physical, emotional, and mental guidelines we follow when teaching others how to treat us. When we are raised in households where healthy boundaries were neither modeled nor encouraged, it can be difficult to tell the difference between what boundaries are and what they are not, rendering us less likely to take appropriate action when it is needed. Here are the top five erroneous beliefs that get in the way of healthy limit-setting in relationships: 1: Boundary-setting is an act of disrespect, aggression, or punishment. Fact: Boundaries are protection, not punishment. It is up to each of us to determine what we will or will not tolerate. It is our responsibility to assert our boundaries (calmly and respectfully) and to disengage when they are not respected. Failure to honor our limits breeds resentment. Resentment may seem like it's about what another person is or is not doing, but it is actually our body's way of signaling us to set an appropriate limit and stick to it. Resentment occurs when we expect someone else to take better care of us than we take of ourselves. 2. Boundaries need to be explained, justified, or understood by others in order to be effective. Fact: Though it is always nice to feel supported or understood, others do not have the power to decide what is best for us. Other people do not have to like or agree with our decisions. Each of us is free to determine how we choose to participate in any relationship or situation; no permission or explanation required. 3. Because I tolerated certain situations or behaviors in the past, I don't have the right to set limits in the present. Fact: Boundaries do not have an expiration date. We grow and change and so do our boundaries. Someone I know once worked for a boss who expected his employees to work overtime, with little vacation. This friend never liked working long hours but chose to grin and bear it. However, once she had children, my friend was plagued by constant fear of disappointing either her boss or her family. Her physical and mental health consequently suffered. She ultimately discussed the situation with her employer, who was unwilling to grant flexible hours. After several months of stewing in her own resentment, she ultimately sought employment with a company whose work-life values matched her own--and she was so much happier! Sometimes we must struggle in order to fully know our limits. However, the moment we realize situations or behaviors are harmful or destructive, it is always our prerogative to help ourselves. 4. Boundaries require others to change what they are doing. Fact: Boundaries require us to change what we are doing. We cannot control how someone else thinks, feels, or behaves, but we can control whether or not we choose to be in the presence behavior that is counterproductive. If someone we love is behaving destructively, we may wish for them to change. However, when our feelings indicate the current situation is no longer working, the onus is ours to change it. Remember, boundaries are not about punishing another. They are about protecting ourselves. 5. Someone else's negative reaction to my boundary means that it is "wrong." Fact: Because no two people think, feel, or act the same way all the time, it is common for us to be in conflict with others. Sometimes setting a limit means someone else does not get what s/he wants, which can naturally lead to anger or disappointment. These feelings are not indicators of wrongdoing nor do they suggest a boundary reversal is in order. Knowing who we are and how we want to be treated are prerequisites for healthy connection. We need look no further than our own thoughts and feelings to tell us what is or is not acceptable. The next time you notice yourself feeling angry or resentful, I encourage you to ask yourself how these bodily signals may be inviting you to set a limit in your environment. Knowing you can protect yourself is the key to feeling safe with others. Your thoughts? Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Having trouble with boundaries? Schedule a free consultation to find out more about how counseling or therapy can help you feel safer and more secure!
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Rebuilding After Loss In Parts One and Two of this series, we examined the primary reasons most of us choose to date in the immediate aftermath of loss and what to expect from dating within the first year of separation. Today, we will focus on the importance of creating a solid life, independent of relationship status.
Stable people attract stable people. When we are deeply rooted in own lives, we are better prepared to endure the fickle winds of the dating scene. With this in mind, here are some reminders and tips to consider:
Often, I am asked by the acutely grieving when the whole ordeal will be over. Grief unfolds on its own timeline and healing is retrospective. Often we must consider where we have been to fully appreciate how far we have come. Fortunately, it is not necessary to know how long something will last to keep choosing the next best step. Like a fawn on wobbly legs, we will stumble; this is normal. Each time we get back up again, we prove we are stronger than our pain. Once we have (mostly) healed, the intensity of transitional love will start to lose its appeal. The day will come when we are no longer able to imagine being with the very person we once thought we couldn't live without. It is then we are truly ready for lasting connection. In the meantime, remember we are all doing our best to get where we are going. Be patient, kind, and honest with yourself as you work to transform your old life shape into a newer, stronger one! If you have any questions about what you have encountered in this three-part series, feel free to ask them in the comments section below. Or, if you prefer to have your questions answered in a more private forum, click here! Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Feeling lost after divorce? Schedule a free consultation to find out how therapy or counseling can help you get back on track!
In Part Two of this series, we explore the relationship dynamics most commonly experienced in the immediate aftermath of loss. When we know what to expect, we are more likely to emerge from the turbulent waters of rebound dating relatively unscathed.
Transitional relationships are likely to display one of the following four characteristics. Keep in mind these traits are not mutually exclusive. It is common to find more than one in the same place. 1. "Come Here; Go Away." Within the first year of separation, we either don't know what we want or we (think we) know what we want but are not ready for it. In a relationship, this confusion or uncertainty manifests as a “predictably unpredictable” pattern of highs and lows, where periods of intense closeness are followed by tension, conflict, or withdrawal. It is as if we are inviting (or being invited) closer with one hand while shooing (or being shooed) away with the other. Each partner is attracted to the idea of intimacy but, when the fire's warmth touches newly singed hands, one or both partners quickly retreat. "Come here; go away" keeps partners in a perpetual state of suspended animation. Nothing moves in any direction when we want something equally as much as we fear it. Though logic would convince us otherwise, "come here; go away" relationships are quite difficult to end. Our brains and bodies become dependent upon the adrenaline their breakups and makeups produce--adrenaline which functions as an analgesic for acute grief. To the grief-avoidant, the pain of remaining in the relationship appears less than the pain of ending it. Much like broken lines on a highway, an ambivalent relationship will continue indefinitely until one partner is ready to end it for good. 2. Married or Taken. Human beings attract and are drawn to people who vibrate at a similar emotional frequency. Though our marital status may indicate otherwise, in the first year after loss, we are not really emotionally available. It is for this reason the newly separated cavort with the married or partnered. This usually manifests either as an extramarital affair prior to separation (affairs are sometimes a compelling way out of a marriage that is no longer working) or, post-separation, in the crossing of physical boundaries with a married or partnered acquaintance. Because secret relationships are predicated on deception, each partner, on some level, secretly resents the other. Like the Wicked Witch in the "Wizard of Oz," this darkness will show up at some point down the road, you just don't know which tree it will be hiding behind. Though the nature of forbidden love is quite compelling, it usually results in more destruction than joy; use caution. 3. The Time Warp. There are times, on the golf course of life, we all wish for a mulligan. Compelled by regret to recover what was lost, we choose a partner who, whether by age or developmental life stage, best represents where we were before our last relationship began. Thanks to social media, we may even revisit an old flame looking for new sparks. While reuniting with "the one who got away" is a romantic notion, it is often not long before we realize why it didn't work out the first time. Like toddlers regress with each new developmental task, when faced with the uncertainty of loss, adults also seek solace in what was once safe or familiar. 4. Opposites Attract. After a difficult loss, many will select a partner whose primary asset is that s/he is nothing like our ex. If you found your ex's outgoing personality off-putting, it is likely you will be drawn to a quieter, more reserved mate. If your ex was a spendthrift, fiscal responsibility suddenly shoots to the top of the priority list. For every perceived deprivation, we are compelled to seek an equal, opposite indulgence. However, after we have feasted at the trough of abundance, its spoils are likely to lose their appeal, particularly if we've little else in common with our new partner. (It is also worth noting that, in cases where the ending was not of our choosing, some of us seek partners who closely resemble our exes in physical appearance, personality, or both.) Transitional relationships are like hospitals. No one really wants to be there. We go because the hospital offers us what we cannot yet provide ourselves. Just as hospital stays are meant to be temporary, so too are transitional relationships. This is a hard pill for the acutely grieving to swallow. Often the pain associated with yet another loss (which is typically experienced as failure) compels us to keep transitional relationships on life support past their natural expiration date. Rememeber, there are no mistakes; only learning. Every choice we make is designed to advance our healing and growth. Only when we have learned everything transitional love was meant to teach us will we free ourselves to move beyond it and create lasting connection. Stable people attract stability. In Part Three of this series, we will explore in more detail how to equip your post-loss toolbox with the most powerful implement of all: a solid life of your own! Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Feeling lost after divorce? Schedule a free consultation to find out how therapy or counseling can help you get back on track!
The ending of a relationship is like a death. Whether we are the leaver or the left, all of us experience acute grief within the first year after it's over. In the existential void created by loss, many of us seek comfort in life's cosmic layaway plan: the transitional relationship. In Part One of this thee-part series, we explore why so many newly separated individuals run, head-first into new love, while onlookers scratch their heads thinking, “Didn’t your partner leave, like, five minutes ago?"
The siren's call of new romance is often heeded for three, perfectly valid reasons. The first one is fear. Though our former relationship no longer worked, the role of boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife was still the reference point upon which we relied for normalcy. When the lighthouse suddenly disappears, we become rudderless in the water. One minute we are confidently rowing toward the shore, the next we are swept out by the current. We are eager to determine the shape of our future, while desperately longing for a past that doesn't fit anymore. We yearn to do what we know (be partnered) but, whether by ours or someone else's choice, we can't do it with the person most familiar. In the insanity of the emotional riptide, who wouldn't want to call in the coast guard? Enter: the transitional lover. The second reason is the shame. We invested so much in our last relationship, its ending must mean something awful about us. We grapple with regret about what could or should have been done. Worried our former partner will be our last, we feverishly go about proving to ourselves that we are lovable and, by God, we will make something work...even if that something more closely resembles a train wreck than the fairy tale for which we are hoping. It is as if there is some mysterious “sell by” date that requires us to take immediate action, lest we reach it, even when our actions make no logical sense whatsoever. And, usually, they don’t. Because feelings don't have brains. Biology is the third reason newly bereft individuals careen toward the dating scene. In the wake of grief, our brain chemistry closely resembles that of a depressed person. In the throws of new romance, the brain produces high levels of two neurotransmitters, called dopamine (the body's natural "feel good drug") and oxytocin (the "cuddle hormone"). I like to refer to this powerful little cocktail as "love crack." While under its blissful influence, we are easily duped into believing our shiny, new romance--our "fresh" start--is an antidote for the pain of loss. Sure, drugs are often accompanied by negative long-term side effects but, like the drunkest person at the party who wrangles the host for his car keys, the critically wounded are often oblivious to their impairment. Our brain chemistry enlists us in righting itself, consequences be damned. The good news is that all of our choices, even the unconscious ones, are necessary for our growth and learning. We will continue to manifest the lessons until we are ready to know them. When we ignore grief's wisdom, grief seeks us, over and over again, until we are ready to hear what it has to say. This is the true spiritual purpose of the transitional relationship. Just as the pain of a broken limb beckons us to rest in a quiet place until it is healed, so too does a broken heart. It's just that grief's panic incites us to do the opposite of what is needed: nothing. The potential for healing resides in stillness. When the flow of grief's tide ebbs, what's left on the sand are precious insights about who we are, independently of the roles we once relied upon. The clearer we are about what is ours and what is not, the better partner we will be in our next relationship. If you've recently experienced a breakup or divorce, while you may feel crazy, this instability is actually a normal, necessary part of the grieving process. If you opt for the cosmic layaway plan, that is okay--any residual lessons will find you at precisely the time you are ready to learn them. We cannot rush or force this process. All of us are all simply choosing what we think we can handle in the moment. As the moment changes, so too might our desire to remain with a person chosen during a time of instability--this is a common transitional relationship phenomenon. Should your healing path require a dip in the waters of transitional dating, in Part Two of this series, we will build a flotation device to help you minimize destruction and maximize meaning. Stay tuned. Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Feeling lost after divorce? Schedule a free consultation to find out how therapy or counseling can help you get back on track! |
AuthorDr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, specializing in grief and divorce. Her coaching and therapy practice is located in the Phinney - Greenwood area of North Seattle in Washington. Archives
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