Four Reasons Why Mother's Day Can Be Difficult (And What To Do About It)

"In motherhood, everything gets reduced to essentials."
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A friend and I were recently chatting about our upcoming Mother's Day plans. The conversation started simply enough but, by its end, we were both a bit misty. My friend lost her beloved mother to cancer several years ago, so Mother's Day usually ends up feeling more like a cosmic hip check than a reason to celebrate. The relationship between my mother and me is somewhat complicated, so finding an appropriate sentiment for the day is a bit challenging. I suspect how each of us feels about Mother's Day is as unique as the bond we each share (or shared) with our mothers.

Here are four common reasons why, for some, Mother's Day can be difficult:

1. Our mothers are deceased. For those whose mothers have left this world, the week preceding Mother's Day is riddled with dread. When the day arrives, it is to be tolerated, not celebrated. Each social media homage we witness feels like a pinprick to our hearts. We experience a visceral yearning to bring Mom back, to smell her, to hear her voice again, to feel her loving embrace. If the relationship was troubled before she died, there is also regret for what was done and for what cannot be undone. The day is inextricably linked to loss.

2. Our mothers are absent. Few words can describe the grief associated with mourning a parent who is alive but, due to disease (e.g., Alzheimer's), mental illness, addiction, or abuse, is unavailable. Even when emotional cut-off is in our best interest, things never feel quite resolved and Mother's Day stirs the sediment of unfinished business.

3. Our mothers cannot sustain emotional intimacy. Year after year, we emerge empty-handed from the greeting card isle. Clearly the Hallmark copywriters did not know our mothers. The relationship with Mom is neither good nor bad; it is just not there. Thus, Mother's Day wages an internal battle between what we wish we could feel and what we genuinely feel for our mothers.

4. Our mothers are hard to please. A young man's mother gifted him two ties. When he arrived on Mother's Day wearing one of them, his mother exclaimed, "What...you didn't like the other one?!?" For those of us with high maintenance moms, Mother's Day signifies a futile quest to please the un-pleasable.

If you are struggling this Mother's Day, here are some suggestions to help you survive the day:

• If your mother is deceased or if you have severed all connection with her, consider writing your feelings in an open letter to your mother (for you to keep). Read it out loud, either to yourself or to a trusted loved one. Hearing your feelings, spoken aloud in your own words, can be quite transformative.
• If unfinished business with your mom is causing you pain, see if it helps to remember your mother is a human being with strengths and with limitations who, just like you, did her best with the resources she had at the time. See if you can offer both you and your mother a silent blessing of compassion. Compassion is the first step toward forgiveness. Forgiveness is the first step toward freedom.
• If you cannot find an appropriate greeting card for your mother (assuming you are in contact with her), it is enough to call and tell her you are thinking of her.
• If social media adds to your Mother's Day angst, consider disconnecting for the next few days. This will limit your exposure to potentially upsetting Mother's Day posts.
• We feel better when we act from a place of love. If it is not possible to communicate warm sentiments to your own mother, take a moment to send them to other mothers you love, admire, and respect.​

Remember that many of us do not have ideal relationships with our mothers, Because you are the only one who knows how you feel about your mother, you are most qualified to decide how or if you choose to celebrate the day. Act with loving authenticity and the rest will sort itself out.

Got any tips for surviving Mother's Day? Share them in the comments section below!

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. 

If mom issues are a source of pain or stress in your life, schedule a free consultation to see how therapy or counseling can help!

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