The Truth About Deception - Part Two

“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”  - James Baldwin

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In Part One of this series, we explored why people lie and the impact of dishonesty on relationships. This week, we will endeavor to answer the two most common questions asked of therapists and counselors by individuals and couples whose lives have been shattered by betrayal: Can the relationship be rebuilt and how long will it take? 

So little of therapy or counseling is governed by hard-and-fast rules. This can be frustrating for clients desperately seeking clarity after being hoodwinked by someone they loved and trusted. Typically those who have betrayed their partners are eager to bury the hatchet (to assuage their guilt or shame) while the betrayed need time for the pain of its blow to subside.

Reparability is contingent upon the following factors:

1. Accountability. Deceivers first need to assume full responsibility their actions. Partners must clearly identify what they have done, why it was hurtful, and how they intend to prevent the infraction from happening again. Without this, the behavior in question will likely be repeated.  
2. Willingness to rebuild.  There is no “reset button” for a relationship; the lie(s) will always be a part of the couple’s story. That said, once both partners have agreed to repair the union, they must commit to leaving the past behind. Tempting though it may be, partners must avoid stepping into the role of either victim or perpetrator. The healing resides not in the rehashing of details, but in respectful sharing and reception of feelings emanating from the wound. 
3. Magnitude and Duration. A single transgression is more likely to be overlooked than a twenty-fifth. The more serious the lie and the longer it has been perpetuated, the more difficult recovery will be.
4. Transparency. Once the truth has been discovered, deceivers must be willing to provide a full account of their dealings and/or whereabouts until trust has been restored. This does not mean the betrayed will opt to know every single detail--sometimes it is enough to know the information is accessible. In the early stages of repair, deceivers may feel as if they are living in a police state. This is understandable given the basic privacy to which most of us are accustomed. However, the moment a partner makes a unilateral decision to preside over the truth, the line between privacy and secrecy becomes indistinguishable. The cost of admission for this decision is full transparency until trust is reestablished.
5. Boundary Consensus. Couples must agree on boundaries (i.e., what behaviors or circumstances are or are not appropriate) in order to move forward.  In couples therapy, I encourage partners to act as their own “Department of Homeland Security” so-to-speak by assigning certain behaviors or circumstances to a particular risk level. "Green" behaviors or circumstances are those that incite little to no reaction from either partner. For example, grabbing coffee with a long-time friend would likely be considered green. “Blue” actions or circumstances generate a little discomfort but it can easily be assuaged with good communication. “Red” situations do not feel safe to one or both partners, under any circumstances. The partner who feels the most discomfort about a particular behavior or situation gets to determine the boundary. For instance, I once worked with a couple who sought marital counseling after the husband discovered his wife was having an affair with her boss. In therapy, it became clear that the husband's sense of safety could not be restored as long as the wife was working for the man with whom she had the affair. This was a code red situation. To get the relationship's risk level back to green, the wife agreed to seek alternate employment. This protection allowed the wound to heal.

Trust is regained when actions and words align over time. Partners can say they want to repair a relationship but, if they are unwilling to do what is needed, these words are meaningless. Betrayers must display a solid track record of being where they said they would be, when they said they would be there, doing what they said they would be doing with whom they said they would be doing it. "Deposits" in the trust account must be made repeatedly until the balance is significant enough to offset the recent withdrawal.

Some couples view betrayal as an opportunity to form a stronger, more satisfying union. Others see deception as the harbinger of an ending. I once worked with a young woman whose husband had a lengthy affair with a female colleague. Just months earlier, the client discovered her husband had been sending inappropriate texts to other women. After a year of obsessive thoughts, frequent checking of her husband's phone, and barely-contained urges to follow him every time he left the house, the client realized that remaining in the marriage was costing her dignity. This was ultimately too high a price to pay so she left the marriage. As the healing process unfolds, both the deceiver and the deceived must ask, based on what they know to be true about themselves, whether the pain of rebuilding is preferable to the pain of leaving. As this young woman's story suggests, we must know ourselves well enough to be honest about the answer.

How long does healing take?

For those who choose to rebuild, repair time depends on the severity of the wound and the preexisting level of trust between partners. Those who trust easily tend to rebound faster than those who do not.

It can take one to two years, sometimes longer, for a betrayal to fade into the backdrop. During this time, it is helpful for couples to generate new, positive memories together. This is an excellent time to explore new hobbies together, take extended vacations, learn new skills, etc. Couples can also opt to renew marriage vows or create other rituals to signify new beginnings. It is  easier to leave the past in the rear view mirror when we are focused on the road ahead. 

Painful though it may be, deception is always a catalyst for healing and growth. We only blow up our lives when part of us is yearning to refashion the pieces.

Whether we are the deceiver or the deceived, it is important to remember that every betrayal draws our attention to what can no longer be ignored. Some truths are incredibly painful to confront, particularly in the beginning, but we are usually better off for doing so.

If you are currently struggling with the aftermath of deception, consider getting help from a licensed psychologist, counselor, or therapist. Whether you choose to seek therapy or go it alone, remember that people can and do heal from betrayal. If you are willing to keep your eyes and heart open, you can be one of them!
 
We have so much to teach and learn from each other. Have you survived betrayal? Did you learn something valuable from it? Are you still figuring it out? Feel free to discuss your experience in the comments section below. 

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA.  Has your relationship been torn apart by betrayal?  Schedule a free consultation to see how couples counseling or individual counseling can get you on the road to recovery!

Schedule Your Free Consultation Now

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