Widow's Dilemma

"Grief does not change you.  It reveals you."
- John Green

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The loss of a spouse or soul mate can generate so many questions.

In the acute fog of grief, each moment is its own unique world--changing all the time. We wonder about the basics of survival.  How will we get through each day? Will we ever feel 'normal' again?  

As time passes, the content of our questions shifts toward a greater curiosity about what the future holds. We ask who will hold us again or how we will know the time is right to accept new love into our hearts. What follows is a letter from one reader who, five years after losing her beloved soul mate, is grappling with some of these questions and the feelings that go with them.

I hope this letter can be of use to any of you who may be wrestling with how to move forward after losing a spouse or partner.

Feel free to share your sentiments and questions in the comments section below.  I look forward to hearing from you!


Dear Dr. Jill,

My husband of twenty-five, amazing, fun-filled years died suddenly of an aneurism about five years ago. I’m not exaggerating when I say John was everything to me.  He was my lover, my best friend, my traveling companion. We had two beautiful children. We were inseparable.

When John died, my life came to a screeching halt. I can barely remember the first year or two after my soul mate's death. There were days when I couldn’t get out of bed or see anyone. I had trouble eating, showering—even parenting my then teenaged children.

There were times when the pain was so bad I thought it would kill me. And there were moments when I actually wanted it to, just so John and I could be together.

With the support of my family, friends, and church, I slowly crawled out of the dark hole I was in. I started eating, showering, attending church services, and reengaging with my friends and family.  Life is still hard without John but I’m managing as well as can be expected.

About six months ago, a fellow church member (I’ll call him Chuck) started asking me to do things. A dinner here.  A movie there.  I’ve known Chuck since before John died, so I assumed he was just being friendly. However, a few weeks ago, Chuck told me he was interested in something more than friendship.

At first, I panicked and told him I was not ready to date. I made a few awkward jokes and then quickly changed the subject. I figured all would return to normal and that would be that.

Since that night, I cannot stop thinking about Chuck. Each time I do, I instantly think about John and then I feel guilty. I try to push the thoughts about Chuck out of my head. I haven’t been able to do it.
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It’s been five years since his death and, yet, I feel like I'm being disloyal to John. I’m worried that my children and my church community will judge me if I start dating again.  

And what if things don’t work out with Chuck? What then? I’ve relied so heavily upon my church since John died, I’m afraid that a relationship with Chuck might jeopardize my place in the community I've come to rely on.

I’m so confused. If I have all of these questions, does that mean that I’m not ready to date? Or does it mean that Chuck is not the right person to date? 

I was with John for so long and things were so easy.  I am not sure I know what is normal and what is a sign that I’m making a bad choice.

Any advice you have is appreciated.

Signed,
When To Say When


Dear When,

If my arms were long enough, I would reach out and hug you right now! 

The depth of your love and commitment to John came through in your words. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to learn how to move forward without him.

What also came through in your letter was the transformative power of grief.

Though it wasn’t easy, after the initial “grief fog” lifted, you leaned into your support system and created a new normal for yourself. This takes courage and tenacity. Thus, it’s no surprise that any man would feel drawn to your strength!

The questions you are asking suggest the presence of both fear and its most reliable sidekick, self-doubt.

These feelings make sense. The last time your heart was open, it was devastated by loss. Of course you would feel unnerved as the door to your heart slowly creaks open again.  

Fear, self-doubt, and romantic attraction do not have to spell disaster or disloyalty. They can instead signify the awakening of parts of yourself that have been dormant since John’s death. Aliveness, in whatever form it presents itself, is always a good thing!

It is not necessary (nor is it possible) to know how things will turn out with Chuck. In fact, the outcome may matter less than you think. What's more important is the conscious choice to turn toward your own vitality. 

When granted permission to do so, the heart will naturally make space for more love. John will always be a unique and integral chapter of your love story. Neither his death nor your choice to seek joy with a new partner will change or undo that.

In closing, I would like answer your questions with two of my own:  What if there were no mistakes? What your grief gave you everything you need to handle this situation?  Proceeding as if both of these things are true will go a long way toward figuring out the next best step.  Good luck!

Yours In Health,
Dr. Jill


Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist and grief counselor in the Phinney - Greenwood area of North Seattle.  If you are struggling with the death of a spouse, help is just a click away.  Schedule a free consultation to see how grief therapy can help you rediscover your own aliveness!

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