DR. JILL GROSS
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The Real Cost Of Mental Health Care

5/10/2021

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“America's health care system is neither healthy, caring, nor a system.”

-Walter Cronkite

Hard to believe it's been over a year since the last post. During the break, I channeled my pandemic-related angst into kitchen projects. I learned how to bake with sourdough, tried scores of new recipes, and enjoyed leaving goodies on the doorsteps of neighbors and friends. I learned that sharing home-baked treats with loved ones is a surefire way to reclaim joy.

I also spent a lot of time thinking about the ways in COVID has exposed the brokenness our systems and institutions: government, policing, education, and, of course, healthcare. It was the latter that inspired a conversation with the producer of a wonderful new podcast called "The Cost Of Care" The conversation is featured in episode 5, which is called "Burnout: The Vicious Cycle."

The Cost of Care takes an in-depth look at our insurance-based, fee-for-service healthcare model, which many believe is neither ethical nor sustainable. This episode addresses the prevalence of burnout among contracted mental health providers (i.e., psychologists, social workers, therapists, and counselors) who, after years of working twice as hard for half the money, feel the only sane, reasonable choice is to leave insurance panels altogether.

The net effect of this provider exodus is three-fold. The list of experienced contracted providers shrinks, the therapists on that list are full (thus, unable to keep up with new patient demand), and the patient pays the price, literally and figuratively. Patients who don't have the means to pay for counseling don't get the care they deserve. And the patients who do have the means don't get to utilize the benefits for which they pay so dearly.

​Does this sound okay to you? Me neither. Hence the conversation with Cost Of Care. I hope you'll give it a listen.

Until next time...


Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor in Seattle, WA. She offers grief therapy, divorce counseling, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA.



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7 Ways To Curb Pandemic Panic

3/28/2020

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Counselor Therapist Dealing With Fear Pandemic
Photo Credit: @helloimnik
'Tis an will wind that blows no good."

-
Uknown

Many of us are wondering how best to tend to our mental health whist we are hunkering down, waiting for the global, category five hurricane to pass. Aside from adhering to personal hygiene and social distancing protocols, there is little more we can do to curb spread of COVID-19. Virulent panic, however, is a different story.

In this article we will explore fear’s true purpose, the problems we are likely to encounter when we become overly attentive to fear (i.e., panic), and what we can do to step out of fear once it has fulfilled its purpose.

Healthy fear is meant to wake us from denial and get us to take action.   Without fear, it is likely we would still be rubbing dirty hands all over our faces and gathering in public spaces. When we listen to fear and respond accordingly, fear has done its job. After that, the healthiest thing to do is let it go.

Continuing to ruminate about things beyond our control is a one-way ticket to panic which, like fear, also has a specific purpose. Eons ago, it was panic that alerted us to clear and imminent danger.  It prompted us to run, fight, or flee to avoid being eaten by predators or killed off by neighboring tribes. Today, panic is helpful in so far as it protects us from danger that is happening in the present moment: the smoke alarm sounds and we quickly exit the building. Beyond that, panic is pretty much useless.

In states of prolonged stress, the brain can get stuck in panic mode.
When the smoke alarm routinely sounds, it becomes difficult to distinguish a false alarm from a real fire. What’s more, primal fear can manifest as a state of impending doom, about which we must do something, even when there is nothing more to do. 
​
In panic mode, our thoughts and actions will organize themselves around two themes: life (i.e, food, sex, and toileting) and death. Additionally, primal fear incites irrational competitiveness. Plentiful goods (read: toilet paper)  suddenly appear to be in short supply. So we overbuy, all but guaranteeing the very scarcity we fear most. I suspect this to be the reason that supermarket shelves are empty.  We are worried there will not be enough for everyone so we make sure there isn’t enough for anyone. Sound smart to you?  Me neither.  Like most primitive instincts, panic is neither discerning nor sophisticated.

Okay. Now we know about panic and the understandable (but not so helpful) compulsive behaviors that come with it. It’s time to talk about what we can do to turn off the panic switch.

Here are a few things to try:


  1. Stay in the moment. When we are anxious, we imagine and react to future events (usually worst-case scenarios) as if they are happening now. This generates unnecessary suffering. Listen for thoughts that begin with “what if” and, instead, ask, “Is this happening now?” If the answer is “no,” bring your awareness back to what is happening in the present moment.  What are five things you can describe in the room you are in?  What are four things you can touch? Three things you can hear?  Two things you can smell?  One thing you can taste?  Using your five senses to anchor your body in the present moment can be a helpful way to step off the fear train.
  2. Control what you can. Anxious minds use control to restore equilibrium (even when most of what we are trying to control is beyond our sphere of influence). This is a great time to get clear on what is truly ours to manage:  our bodies, our mindsets, our roles (work, parenting, etc.), and our dwellings. Stay home. Eat nutritious food. Sleep when you can. Spend time with your kids. Keep disinfecting high-touch areas in your home. Beyond these basic things, there is little else to be done. It may not feel like enough right now. Perhaps nothing will. But doing your part to keep you and your family healthy is more than enough.
  3. Assume abundance and act accordingly.  Pandemics do not cause scarcity; panic buying does. Resist the urge to stockpile anything more than a week’s worth of food and supplies. Assume there will be enough for everyone, even if “enough” might be less than what you are accustomed to.
  4. Start a daily gratitude ritual.  Looking for things to be grateful for has an immediate soothing effect.  Each day at the same time, make a point to write down or say aloud three things for which you are grateful. Sunny weather, spring flowers, toilet paper, close friends and family members, you name it.  Gratitude is yours for the taking.  
  5. Limit media exposure. There is no shortage of pandemic-related tragedy. Reading about it, seeing it, and talking about it will only amplify your suffering. Consider limiting your media exposure to no more than ten minutes per day.
  6. Look for the positives. Pandemics are unique because they are happening to everyone, everywhere in the world. This has created an outpouring of love and support from our fellow humans. What’s more, only when we are tested can we know the depths of our own strength,  resilience, and generosity. Use this time to tap into these strengths by helping those who are vulnerable or, if you are vulnerable, accepting others’ offers of assistance.
  7. Connect with supportive people. Make a short list of people with whom you can regularly check in. Make sure you choose people who are like-minded in their willingness to listen, to offer support and to limit fear-based conversation.

Remember pandemics are both temporary and survivable. While it true (and sad) that some will not outlive COVID-19, it is also true that the vast majority of us will. The pandemic will end eventually. When it does, just as our foremothers and fathers did in 1919, we too will rebuild.

In the meantime, we must choose wisely when and how we engage with fear. If you are following personal hygiene and social distancing guidelines, then fear has already served its purpose. It’s okay to let it go.




​Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce consultation, co-parenting support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA.  Stuck in panic mode? Schedule a free phone consultation to find out how counseling can help you go from panic to peace.

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7 Hidden Long-term Truths About Divorce

11/10/2019

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Hidden Truths About Divorce
Photo credit: Danielle MacInnes
"True forgiveness is when you can say, 'Thank you for that experience.'"

-
Oprah Winfrey

Over the years I have encountered numerous myths and misconceptions about divorce-related grief, the most common of which is the notion that it is linear, logical and finite. We expect grief to peak immediately after separation, then slowly subside until, perhaps a few months later, we are mostly pain-free.  If only that were true!

Separation and divorce shakes our snow globe, causing its vulnerable particles to erratically float around with no end in sight.  So it's no wonder that any human being would want those particles to settle quickly, in an orderly, predictable way.  

Unmet grief expectations are frequently construed as failure. We don't feel the way we think we should, so we conclude that we are not "doing it right."  This adds unnecessary suffering to pain.

We can create a more accepting relationship with ourselves and our grief when we understand its true nature. To that end, I have created the following list of often-experienced-but-rarely-discussed, long-term emotional truths about divorce:


  1. The marriage may have ended but, when you share children, the relationship with your ex is never over.  Children are a life-long tie to an ex, the effects of which are inversely correlated with the age of the children. In other words, the younger the children, the more parents must communicate and coordinate with their exes. Even in adulthood, there will be important milestones to celebrate, each one carrying with it a potential uptick in divorce-related grief, long past the point at which we tell ourselves we have "gotten over" the divorce.
  2. Blame prolongs grief. Blaming your ex may make you feel good in the short term, but it stymies healing and stunts emotional growth.  All relationships are co-created. Every partner is a teacher. Blaming your ex detracts from the important lessons she/he/they were meant to teach you. 
  3. Divorce guilt is a thing. Any divorced parent can attest to this.  Guilt will wax and wane over the years, with a propensity to spike during milestones (birthdays, holidays, etc.), rites of passage (graduations, bar mitzvahs, weddings, etc.) and/or when the children are struggling. Even when struggles are normal and age-appropriate, divorced parents will typically wonder about the degree to which any of those struggles are related to the divorce. 
  4. We can miss something (or someone) we don’t want anymore. Grief is a repeated process of holding, simultaneously, truths that feel mutually exclusive but are not.  We can long for the intact family, even when we know the marriage wasn’t viable. We can yearn for someone or something that isn’t good for us. All of this is true. And, when we encounter those "mutually exclusive" emotional truths, they can confuse us.
  5. Divorce is a living finish.  Just as newly-minted brass, when exposed to the elements, changes texture and color, so too does divorce. For instance, a good friend of mine went through a highly-contentious divorce when her only child was three. Fifteen years (and a lot of healing) later, she and her son's father were able to share a peaceful and pleasant graduation celebration with their son. When we are in intense pain, it’s easy to extrapolate that things will always be this sad, this angry, this difficult etc.  They won’t. With time and good intentions, even the sharpest edges can and will soften.
  6. Holidays are hard.  September through December, advertisers feed us a steady diet of happy couples, frolicking in the snow in front of gift wrapped European sports cars (which they can only afford because one is not paying the other spousal maintenance or child support).  We see starry-eyed, footy pajama-clad toddlers (products of happy, intact marriages no doubt) in front of bedazzled Christmas trees (that are erected in the one and only house that toddler lives in).  Folks with shared custody may not see their children every holiday. Some may see their kids every holiday but only for part of the time. What's more, there are extended networks of people we love but no longer see (ex in-laws, mutual friends, etc.). How we think the holidays should be and how they actually are for divorced people can leave any single-parent feeling as if their family or their life is defective. Holidays never  stop hurting.  We simply learn to live with the sting. 
  7. Forgiveness is a choice we make, over and over again. This one is a doozy.  Many of us believe forgiveness is something we do once, to make the other person feel better. This is untrue.  Forgiveness is like yoga.  We do it for ourselves, regularly, so that we can achieve greater emotional strength and flexibility. Forgiveness does not mean we condone hurtful behavior nor does it mean that we grant all-access passes to those who have injured us. We are always free to protect ourselves with appropriate boundaries. Forgiveness a choice to divest our energy from a past we cannot change and, instead, place it in the present moment.  It is here, now, that we have the most potential to create the life we want. One final note about forgiveness. If you are holding on to bitterness about the divorce, chances are high it is you, not your ex, who most deserves to be forgiven. 

If you’re still reading this, I imagine you may wondering what can be done to help mitigate the pain of these truths. 

One of the most important things we can do, post-divorce, is clarify our values (e.g., family, commitment to service, personal accountability, kindness toward others, etc.) and commit to living those values.

This sounds simple. But it is not always easy. Furthermore, habits of intentional living take time--sometimes years--to develop. Now is the time to be kind and patient with yourself.  

Keep in mind that few roads are perfectly smooth or straight.  If you find yourself straying from your values, recommit to them. Repeat this process as many times as needed. 

Finally, keep in mind that the presence of difficult emotion does not signify the absence of coping.  All emotions, even the unpleasant ones, signify our humanity.  Feelings are a normal, natural  part of any living finish.



Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce consultation, co-parenting support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. If you would like help coping with the long-term emotional impact of divorce, follow the link below to schedule a free consultation.

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Six Tips For Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce

7/8/2019

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"Change is hard. And it never hurries. It wears you down, with its sound and its fury. 
​

​-Jaspar Lepak

On the cusp of a breakup, separation, or divorce, it is common for people to focus mostly on what they will lose:  a spouse or partner, time with their children, relationships with the ex's family and friends. The list goes on and on.

As a separation and divorce counselor, I like to help clients honor the pain of loss while reminding them of what will also be gained: relief from the tension of a relationship that wasn't working, the confidence of knowing they can thrive on their own, new experiences with people they've yet to meet. This list, too, can go on and on.

When the basic business of just getting by (e.g., getting out of bed, taking a shower, going to work, etc.) seems herculean, it's hard to trust that the future will be bright. But, with a little mindfulness, some time, and some effort, it is possible to thrive after a breakup, separation, or divorce.

If you are in the pain trenches of acute loss, here are a few tips to help guide you toward a brighter future:


  1. Create a list of goals or intentions.  Start by asking yourself where you would like to be one week, one month, and one year from now. Some examples I've heard are, “I would like to have more good days than hard days.” or “I would like to gain financial independence.” or “I would like to have a harmonious co-parenting relationship with my ex.” Make a detailed list of your intentions. Visualize these goals as if they have already been achieved.  Ask yourself what is different about your new life. How are you spending your time? How do you feel? When we are in pain, it's easy to place our focus on what we want less of.  This exercise makes space for what you want more of.  When we focus on desire, automatically, our behavior will align with our goals.
  2. Forgiveness.  Anger is a normal, healthy part of the grieving process, especially when we did not want a relationship to end and/or when we have been betrayed by someone we love. Anger can also be a useful tool in creating the distance we need to heal. However, when we hold on to anger, we dig two graves, only one of which will be occupied (hint: not by our exes). It is commonly believed that forgiveness is a hall pass for bad behavior. It is not. It’s also a myth that forgiveness means we must grant an all-access pass to the person who hurt us. Forgiveness is a purely selfish act. In forgiving others, we set ourselves free to move forward.
  3. Avoid pain shopping. “I feel so much better after seeing my suntanned ex canoodling with his/her new lover on the sandy beaches of a faraway tropical paradise!” Said no one. Ever. In fact, technology has made breaking up much more difficult and confusing. Staying technologically connected to exes gives away our most precious resources: time and energy. This time and energy is better spent rebuilding the life we have vs. deconstructing the life we had. Pay attention to how your online behavior is making you feel. If you feel more scared, sad, lonely, ashamed or angry, it’s wise to consider replacing that behavior with something more constructive. Consider blocking your ex on all social media. This is not a form of punishment. It's a conscious choice to protect yourself from needless pain exposure.
  4. Get support. Heartache can easily turn to despair when it’s treated with neglect or isolation. Now is the best possible time to lean on your support network (e.g., friends, family, counselors, and/or anyone else who reminds you that you are not alone). Asking for help is a sign of strength.
  5. Expand your social orbit. This. Cannot. Be. Emphasized. Enough. Relying exclusively on people who are connected to your ex can get complicated, particularly when the split is acrimonious. Forming relationships with people who are unattached to your marital story is an essential part of creating a post-divorce life. Making new friends in mid-life requires creativity and elbow grease. But it is worth it!  When my ex and I split in 2009, I forced myself off the couch and into a support group filled with newly separated strangers. One of those strangers is now one of my closest friends. Not sure where to start? Ask yourself if there is something you have always wanted to try and/or do more of when you were partnered. Search online for a social group that coincides with that interest.  Meetup.com is a great resource.  So are local Facebook neighborhood groups.
  6. Get comfortable with discomfort. Venturing out of our comfort zones is the only way we grow. After you’ve spent some time in the Netflix  and Haagen-Dazs cocoon, challenge yourself to do at least one thing per week that is scary (but not dangerous), new, interesting, and/or completely unrelated to life with your former partner or spouse. Consider trying that restaurant you could never talk your ex into patronizing. Volunteer at an organization whose mission aligns with your core values. The worst thing that could happen is that you will feel uncomfortable. Discomfort is temporary. The best thing that could happen is that you discover a new passion, meet some new people (see #5), and experience the gift of your own courage.

Even if you don’t believe it right now (which is okay), you are heading toward wherever you are meant to go. What if this ending is an invitation to feel as whole as you already are? 

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce consultation, co-parenting support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. If you would like support in finding the forward path, schedule a free consultation to see how divorce counseling can help.


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The Natural Order Of Grief

4/11/2019

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Grief therapy grief counseling help for grief and loss
"Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim."
~Vicki Harrison

Counselors and therapists once conceptualized grief as a linear process. It was meant to unfold in predictable stages: denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance. We used to think grief had a beginning, a middle, and an end. Grief experts think differently now.

The grief model has considerably expanded over the last decade. While the above described experiences depict what many grievers encounter after a loss, we now know that the "areas" of grief are neither linear nor universal. What's more, g
rief has proven itself to be cyclical, free-flowing, and without an endpoint.
 

Though our understanding of the grieving process has evolved, many of the grievers I see in therapy judge themselves harshly when their grief 
does not look or feel the way they think it should.  They should feel more of this or less of that. They admonish themselves for moving forward too quickly; flagellate themselves for lagging behind. This happens even when I remind them that grief is both unpredictable and specific to the griever.

Grievers will cling to the idea that, somehow, they are doing grief wrong--even though doing so makes them feel worse than they already do.


It's normal, when faced with uncertainty,  to yearn for order and predictability--both are associated with our sense of emotional safety. Yet telling ourselves we should feel something other than what we do feel is akin to tossing a boulder into the middle of a stream. It interrupts what would otherwise naturally flow toward its intended destination.  Take Sylvia* for example. 

Silvia was 35 when she sought grief counseling to deal with the death of her beloved father. Sylvia and her father were so close everyone, including Sylvia, expected she would fall apart after his death.  But that did not happen.  In fact, Sylvia sought therapy because she was concerned about what she described as "a disturbing lack of emotion." We explored this together.

When I asked Sylvia to tell me more about her father, her face lit up. She spoke at length about a robust, generous, sharp-witted family man. He was a present and engaged father to Sylvia and a wonderful grandfather to Sylvia’s two children--until he was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s Disease. The diagnosis was followed by a rapid decline in physical and mental health, which sent the whole family into turmoil.

Sylvia’s demeanor shifted as she described what it was like to watch the disease whittle away at her father. Just before his death, Sylvia's once-independent role model could no longer feed or bathe himself. He was unable to recognize a single member of the family he loved so dearly.  Sylvia's dad was alive. But he wasn't really living.

As I listened to Sylvia's story it occurred to me that the issue at hand was not a lack of emotion. It was the belief that her grief was supposed to occur in order. The sadness she expected would come after her father died actually took place long before his physical death. 


When death marks the endpoint to prolonged suffering, it is common for family members to feel some degree of relief. Rarely can they admit this without feeling guilty. So they don't talk about it all.  This was the case for Sylvia. 

Therapy gave Sylvia the one thing she needed most: a safe place to speak her truth, even though it did not sound the way she expected it would.  With time and therapy, Sylvia was able to make peace with her grief.


It is when we are vulnerable that we are most worthy of patience and grace yet, for many, this is the time we are least willing to extend it.  
If you are telling yourself you should be anywhere other than where you are in this moment, I invite you to remember that grief is a natural and organic process that needs only to be witnessed and felt. 

It's okay to let go of grief-related expectations--they will only get in your way. Instead, trust your grief and yourself.  Both are trustworthy.

​
*All identifying information has been changed to protect patient confidentiality. 

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce consultation, co-parenting support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Having trouble trusting your grief? Schedule a free consultation to see how grief counseling can help you find the forward path.



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8 Ways To Help Yourself Through The Early Stages Of Grief

2/3/2019

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All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” 

-Havelock Ellis

Early grief is a basket of contradictions. The pain tells us to “do” something but everything hurts and there is nothing we want to do. We want the pain to stop but letting it go feels like a betrayal: of the deceased, of us, of our grief. We long for supportive company but accepting well-intended offers from people who have no idea what we are going through makes us feel even more alone.

In moments like these, our pain seems unsoothable: nothing can be done or said to make it dissipate.


It’s okay to long for the life you had with your loved one. And, it is equally important to keep going forward with life as it is now.

There’s a good chance you feel as sad as you do because you deeply loved someone and because you were deeply loved in return. The truest form of love is the unselfish wish for another to be happy, even when we cannot be with them in physical form. By continuing to care for yourself, you are not only honoring the person you lost, you are stepping toward your own aliveness. Which, conveniently, happens to be the best forward path after loss. We do this slowly, one moment, one day, one week at a time.

Here are a few tips to help reconnect you with your own aliveness:


  1. Thank your grief.  Thoughts will sometimes tell us we should be anywhere other than where we are. This is the brain’s benevolent, albeit ineffective, attempt at willing the body into a more pleasant emotional state. When feelings don’t have full permission to exist, they attach themselves to us in unhealthy ways. Pain is a normal, necessary part of the healing process. Welcome it. Say a quiet “thank you” to your grief for helping you heal. Do this, even if it feels like you’re going through the motions. (Sidebar: you will feel like you’re going through the motions--pretty much all of the time--for a good while after someone dies. This is normal.)
  2. Break the day into chunks. During the darkest times, the idea of getting through an entire day can feel impossible. I recommend breaking the day into chunks: breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bedtime. Congratulate yourself when you reach the threshold of each chunk.
  3. Start small and celebrate often.  Set small goals for yourself each day.  “Shower before breakfast” or “Make and eat a sandwich” count as goals. Be creative. This living thing is hard. When you achieve each goal, give yourself a hearty back pat. You deserve it!
  4. Find your tribe. Grief starts to resemble despair when it is done in isolation. Humans are social creatures. Seeking out others who are also rebuilding their lives after loss is a tangible way to honor grief. Find a support group in your area and join it.  Go at least three times before deciding if it's right for you. So many grievers will say that finding their tribe was the single most important step they took in the healing process.
  5. Move your body.  Emotions are physical events—we can literally move through them. Find a safe, doable form of physical activity and set a goal to do it for 15-30 minutes per day.
  6. Stretch beyond your comfort zone. Avoiding new things because they scare us  is like pouring gasoline on the embers of fear. Fortunately, the reverse is also true. The embers of happiness, joy, excitement, and contentment cannot be spotted from your couch. One way to spread the flames of your own aliveness is to make a list of one or two small things that are outside of your comfort zone (and your couch). Do them, even if you don’t really want to.  Repeat until these activities are part of your new comfort zone.
  7. Speak kindly to yourself.  We are more likely to advocate for people we like so, when you are in pain, speak to yourself as if you are a valued friend.  Gently remind yourself that you are doing your best to take care of yourself.
  8. Be patient. “Other people expect me to be over it by now” is one of the most common phrases I hear from my bereavement counseling clients. While others may have shifted their focus to the news of the day, their shift in focus does not diminish your loss. Nor is it a mandate to stop tending to your grief.  Building a new life shape takes time. Give yourself the time you deserve.

Speaking of time, now may be a good one to remind you that, everything, even your pain, is designed to be temporary. You will hurt for a while but you won't feel this way forever. With each day that passes, each forward step you take, you are succeeding are rebuilding your life. And that is more than enough.

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce consultation, co-parenting support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Having trouble rebuilding after the death of a parent, spouse, child, family member or friend? Schedule a free consultation to see how grief counseling can help you move forward in a healthy way.  

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How To Communicate With A Co-parent Who Won't Communicate

12/13/2018

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"Think of it as an important business project; you don’t always love the person that you’re working with, but you work together to get the project done. Co-parents need to adopt this same business model when co-parenting their children."

​-Kela Price

Season's greetings, everyone! 

Since the last blog post, I received a letter from one divorced reader who is struggling with a question frequently seen in my therapy practice, not only among separated or divorced individuals, but with married and single people as well: "how do I communicate effectively with a 'slow-or-no' responder"?

Slow-or-no responders are folks who take an unusually long amount of time to reply to emails, texts, or phone calls (if they reply at all), even when the issue at hand requires their input.

If you've ever tried to make plans with a slow-or-no responder, this reader's frustration will sound familiar. 

Fear not!  The suggested tips below are a sure fire way to free yourself from the slow-to-no response trap.

Enjoy and happy holidays!


Dear Dr. Jill,

I have a communication-related question.

Some background:

M
y ex and I have been living apart for almost three years.  We have three children. They are 6, 8, and 11.  For the most part, we see eye-to-eye. We usually keep it cordial and civil.

Because we have three children, there are lots of details to keep track of. Two kids in soccer and one in piano. When we were married, I was the one who took the kids to their medical appointments, practices, recitals, and such.


Since we separated, the one place we struggle most is with communication. Between the two of us, I have the more flexible work schedule. This means I am on the front lines with pick ups and drop offs, appointment scheduling, etc. Sometimes this coordination requires her consent and/or her participation. That is where we clang heads.

When I make a request, it takes days—even a week—to hear back from her.  Sometimes I get no response. One time, our oldest son missed an important school outing because my ex didn’t get back to me in time.

Our parenting plan says that all major decisions will be jointly made.  So I'm kind of stuck here.

I’ve tried to talk with her about this issue.  She usually either gets defensive or says she’s working on it and promises to do better.  With one or two exceptions, things have stayed status quo.

I’m wondering if this is something you’ve helped clients with and, if so, can you give me some pointers for how to deal with it? 

Sincerely,
Frustrated Co-parent


Dear Frustrated,

Sounds like this experience has neatly nestled you, right between a rock and a hard place! Making joint decisions with someone who won't decide, can be frustrating.  Knowing and communicating boundaries is the most effective way to free yourself from what I like to call the "slow-to-no response trap."

When coordinating with someone who is slow to respond (or who doesn't respond at all), with each request, it is important to communicate three things: the ask, the expected response time, and what you will plan to do if you do not hear anything back from her.

Here is an example of what this kind of communication looks or sounds like:

"Hi Brenda,

I just received notice of a mandatory work meeting that is scheduled to take place tomorrow evening, when the kids are scheduled to be with me.  I am wondering if you would be willing to pick the kids up from aftercare and keep them until I can pick them up at 8:00 p.m.? If you would please let me know by 6:00 tonight, that would be great. If I don't hear anything back by then, I will find an alternate arrangement.

Thank you,
Jim"


By communicating a clear time frame and a pre-determined backup plan, any potential for Jim to feel burdened by slow-or-no response is removed. 

Differences like the one described in your letter are common among divorced co-parents. It
 is for precisely this reason that some parenting plans include a clause which stipulates that, after a written request is sent, the responding party must provide an answer within a pre-specified amount of time, after which, if no response is received, the requesting party is free to make a decision. Ideally, the parenting plan would also stipulate different response times for matters that are considered urgent (e.g., medical emergencies, school-related activities, important deadlines, etc.).

If your parenting plan contains this language, I suggest calmly reminding your ex (by phone if possible—the tone of email can easily get misinterpreted) of the agreed upon timeline(s). Once you’ve referenced the agreement, it is up to you to abide by its terms. In so doing, any future disregard for the documented timeline, by either party, will be construed as permission to proceed.

If your parenting document does not include the aforementioned clause, I recommend including it, ad hoc. Though you can choose to do this via the legal system, if you and your ex are pretty good about adhering to agreements, legal intervention may not be necessary.

Let your ex know that you would like to work with her to come up with a response timeline that each of you will follow, for both urgent and non-urgent situations.  Once this agreement is in place, write it down.  Keep a copy for yourself and provide your ex with a copy to refer to in the future.

After the agreement is in place, stick to it.  When solo decisions are made,  send a courtesy follow up email so your ex is in the loop.

One final tip.
Though it won't always be possible, whenever you see an opportunity to free yourself of the slow-or-no-response game, take it.  Try to minimize the number of appointments, activities, and events that require cross-coordinate between you and your ex. One way to do this is to schedule kid-related activities only on your own residential time. 

Hopefully these tips will help free you up to do more of what you do best:  love your children.  Good luck!

Yours In Health,
Dr. Jill

Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers divorce consultation, co-parenting support, grief therapy, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. Struggling to communicate with an ex? Schedule a free consultation to see how divorce counseling and co-parent support can help you create the co-parenting relationship your children deserve. 

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How To Build A Strong Co-parenting Relationship (Even When You Don't Really Feel Like It)

10/20/2018

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Divorce and co-parenting counseling support consultation
"Taking a thing apart is always faster than putting something together. This is true of everything except marriage."

- Joe Hill

Compartmentalization is the psychological curtain that slides closed when our feelings get too messy, uncomfortable, or inconvenient. Find compartmentalization and you will often find judgment--for the CEO who delivers inspirational speeches to shareholders from whom he is bilking millions. For the spouse who kisses her unsuspecting husband goodnight before heading downstairs to check the Tinder account. It’s easy to judge compartmentalization when it is used to facilitate subpar behavior. 


But every card has two sides.

When used appropriately, compartmentalization can help divorcing spouses build and maintain a constructive co-parenting relationship.


Figuring out how to divide time with children, financial resources, and possessions can be a Herculean task, especially when one person neither asked for nor wanted the divorce. It's common for exes to become triggers or targets for anger--sometimes even rage.

Anger, like all dark emotions, serves a specific purpose.

In divorce, anger can help us forge the distance needed to heal the wounds of loss. Furthermore, when channeled appropriately, anger can fuel the rocket ship that propels us toward a new, post-divorce life.


But here’s where things get tricky.

The most reliable predictor of children’s post-divorce adjustment is how well they are (and continue to be) protected from adult feelings and conflicts. 


In other words, the anger we need to feel in order to heal is the very emotion we must filter away from our children and out of our co-parenting relationship. Here's where c
ompartmentalization comes in handy.

When acrimony is appropriately contained by adults, kids are free to work through their own divorce-related feelings--without feeling burdened by ours.

To help divorcing spouses better understand healthy compartmentalization, I use the following metaphor. Imagine your brain is like Hogwarts, where each thought, feeling, or task must be sorted into three empty boxes: the marital box, the parenting box, and the in-between box.

What follows is a description of all three boxes, along with a few tips for how to create them.


The Marital Box.  Negative sentiments about the relationship, the divorce, and/or your ex belong in the marital box. This box should be stored high on a shelf where only you (not your ex or your children) can access it.

In the early stages of separation, it is likely your marital box will be quite full--even overflowing. This is completely normal.

Set a goal to reduce the size of your marital box by carefully working through its contents. Do this on your own, with a therapist, or with other trusted adults in your life. Reassure yourself that, with time and appropriate resourcing, the size of this box will eventually shrink (It will. I promise). 


Helpful hint: Tempting though it may be, avoid sorting through your marital box with your ex. Your former spouse cannot help you get over him or her. Conversely, should your ex attempt to enlist you in sorting through his or her martial box, it’s okay to respectfully disengage. A brief “I’m sorry I cannot help you.” will suffice.

Trust that, if you and your former spouse could resolve your differences, you would have by now. That time has come and gone.

The Parenting Box.  You and your ex share this box. Unlike the marital box, the parenting box should be void of emotion. It contains only information pertinent to raising healthy kids smoothly in two households (i.e., residential schedules, school events, extracurricular activities, medical appointments, etc.). Any text, email, or phone call between you and your ex should be brief and pertain only to the business of raising your children.

Growing up, my father used to say, “Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll just get dirty...and the pig likes it.” This was his colorful, Southern way of noting the inverse correlation between anger and insight. Acting out of anger rarely leads anywhere productive. What's more, the angrier we are, the easier it is to get the marital and parenting boxes mixed up. I suggest dealing with the contents of the parenting box when both you and your ex are calm and clear-headed. 


Helpful hint:  If you do get worked up, keep yourself out of the mud  by taking the time needed to calm yourself before reengaging with your ex.  Additionally, before responding, I recommend sending emails and texts to a neutral third party (e.g., trusted friend, divorce coach, etc.) to make sure they are 'washed clean' of negative emotion. 

Helpful hint: It's always better to lead by example than to get in a mud-slinging contest with your ex. If your ex lashes out at you, resist all urges to fight back or defend yourself. Staying within the confines of the parenting box does not make you a pushover. It makes you an example of the mature, stable co-parent your child needs you to be. 

Helpful hint: Determine ahead of time your goal for any communication with your ex. Include in your communication only the facts that serve this goal.  For instance, if you are hoping to swap weekends, with sufficient notice (which should be stipulated by your parenting plan), provide in writing the dates you would like to swap.  Your ex does not need to know the reason for the swap. Just the dates in question will suffice. 


The In-between Box.  The in-between box is a place for neutral-positive sentiments related to your fellow co-parent. This box is meant to be shared freely with your child and, on occasion, with your ex in front of your child.

Here are a few examples. Let’s say your ex is a fabulous cook and your child expresses interest in learning to cook. This is a great time to say, “You know, your Mom is an excellent chef. How lucky you are to learn from the best!”

Perhaps your ex is a musician and your child has taken up an instrument. Upon leaving a school concert together, in front of your child, it's okay to say to your fellow co-parent something like, “I can see Tim has inherited your musical abilities. It’s great to see him share his love of music with you.”


I cannot overemphasize how much this means to your kiddos.

Your child’s developing ego cannot easily distinguish itself from others. Thus, when you say positive things about and to the other parent, you are actively bolstering your child's self-esteem. 


Helpful hints: If you are struggling to fill your in-between box, it may be useful to remind yourself that no one is either all good or all bad. To assume the latter about your marriage or your ex is to discount the positive attributes that brought you together, the most important of which was the fate of becoming your children's parents. Even if your marital box is overflowing, look for ways to encourage your child to have a positive relationship with his or her other parent.


Even when it is the right decision, divorce is rarely easy. The clarity needed to compartmentalize feelings appropriately can elude us when we are in pain. Let this be your motivation to seek support from others. Find people who have successfully weathered divorce. Ask them for tips about what worked, what didn’t, etc. Find a therapist in your area who specializes in working with divorcing co-parents. No one should have to do this alone.

Finally, remember that, while pain is temporary, parenting is forever. Committing the time and energy it takes to build and maintain a constructive co-parenting relationship with your ex is one of the best investments you can make--for yourself and, most importantly, for your children.


Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers divorce consultation, co-parenting support, grief therapy, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. If you need help sorting through divorce-related feelings, schedule a free consultation to see how divorce counseling and co-parent support can help you create the co-parenting relationship your children deserve. 

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7 Ways To Support Someone Who Is Grieving

8/25/2018

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7 Ways To Support Someone Who Is Grieving - Seattle Grief & Loss Therapist
​“Mourning is the constant re-awakening that things are now different”.

-Stephanie Ericsson

In an ambiguous world, few things are both certain and final.  Death is one of them, yet many of us don't know what to do when someone we love loses someone they love.

As a grief therapist and counselor, I have observed over the years how intricately fear and anxiety are stitched into the grieving process--for both the griever and for his or her support system.

The most common fear among those asked to bear witness to grief is that of saying or doing the wrong thing. This is understandable. We would never want
 loved ones to hurt more than they are already hurting, certainly not by something we said or did. We may err on the side of staying away, giving those in mourning the space we tell ourselves they need, which, if we are totally honest, is really a way of protecting ourselves from the discomfort associated with making a mistake.

There is only one problem with this approach.

Anyone in mourning will tell you that it hurts most when others say or do nothing at all.

People in acute grief are ashamed of their vulnerability. They worry their pain is more than others can bear. Silent phones, empty mailboxes, and shadowless doorways confirm this fear.

Losing a loved one is like being dropped, without a map, into a foreign country where we don’t speak the language. Even the most mundane tasks seem unfamiliar or insurmountable. What better time for a friendly face to happen by with a warm hand, kind words, and a sandwich?

Here are a seven things you can do to show support for someone who is grieving:


  1. Reach in. "Call me if you need anything" is one of the most well-intended things mourners will hear. It is also one of the least helpful. Even if they knew what they needed, it is unlikely people in acute grief would have the energy to get in touch. Rather than waiting for them to reach out, reach in. Look for projects that need doing and do them, without being asked. Something specific like, "I have set aside every Wednesday morning to drop by with coffee and take out the garbage." will be greatly appreciated. 
  2. Listen: You can’t take your loved one’s pain away. Your loved one knows this. Grief longs to be witnessed and attentive listening is a way to show you care.
  3. Send a card: Sending a card is a respectful, pleasant surprise for those who may need some space but still want to know they are thought of. Do this about a month after the memorial service is over. Thirty to sixty days after a death is the loneliest time for mourners--most of the loved ones have long since gone home and the casseroles have stopped coming. It’s also nice to get cards on birthdays, anniversaries, and/or any other occasion that may remind your loved one of the person s/he lost.
  4. Share positive memories: Not only does talking about the deceased validate your loved one’s grief, it also connects them with the things they loved most about the person they lost. If you didn’t personally know him or her, encourage your friend to talk about a favorite characteristic, quirk, or memory of the person who died.
  5. Drop off food/flowers: Hunger is one of the most basic signs that we are alive. Providing food is a loving way to acknowledge and nurture your loved one’s aliveness when he or she may not be able to do this for him or herself. If your friend associates a certain dish or cuisine with the deceased person, surprise him or her by dropping that dish off, with a card and flowers.
  6. Take nothing personally: None of us is our best selves when we are acutely grieving. Thus, two of the best gifts we can give mourners are patience and grace. Much of what people do when they are grieving isn’t personal; try not to take it personally.
  7. Donations to charity in the deceased’s honor: This is a lovely idea, particularly if the cause also meant something to the person who has passed.
Even if your texts, calls, and gestures go unanswered, I promise you they do not go unnoticed. Your presence communicates to your loved one, "I can handle this. I'm here. You matter."  

The above tips were originally featured in this article.  If you would like more suggestions on how to support someone who is grieving, be sure and check it out! If you have any thoughts on how to show support when a loved one dies, please feel free to share them in the comments section below.  
​

​
Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, therapist, and counselor. She offers grief therapy, divorce support, and other counseling services in the Phinney Greenwood area of Seattle, WA. If you've recently experienced a loss and want to know more about how grief counseling can help you find the forward path, schedule a free consultation. ​
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How To Talk To Your Children About Separation And Divorce

7/9/2018

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Seattle divorce therapist and counselor
"Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love”

–
Jennifer Weiner

Just over half of marriages or domestic partnerships will end in separation or divorce. Though couples may struggle to reach consensus on numerous issues, most separating spouses can agree that protecting the child or children's best interest should be top priority. This sounds pretty straight forward yet, when adults posses intense feelings toward one another, it is anything but simple. 

If you and your soon-to-be ex are confused or struggling with how best to talk with your children about divorce, here are a few tips for keeping things on track:


  • Decide before you tell.  I recommend telling the kids no more than 2-3 weeks prior to the scheduled move date. Children do best when their environments are as structured and predictable as possible.  Tell them after you and your spouse have determined when the change will occur, where each parent will be residing, and which days or dates the children will reside with each parent. For younger kids without smartphones, a paper calendar that is pre-marked with “Mommy/Daddy days/nights” can help them keep track of where and with whom they will be. Older kids with phones can use the calendar function to keep track of the new schedule. 
 
  • Steer clear of birthdays, holidays, and special occasions. There is really never a ‘good time’ to tell your children that their parents have decided to divorce. That said, it’s wise to hold off on having the discussion until after a birthday, holiday, or other important occasion. If you can, tell them on a Friday and clear your weekend schedule. This gives parents and children time to be present with each other after the disclosure.
 
  • When possible, tell them together. Now more than ever, kids need to see that their mom(s) and dad(s) are united in parenting. If you and your spouse can commit to being cordial and contained (which can be hard to do in the early stages), tell the children, together. It’s okay to cry a little in front of your children—tears are a healthy expression of sadness. Expressing some of your sadness can even give kids permission to feel their own. However, if one parent’s emotion starts to eclipse the conversation, the other parent needs to step in and say something like, “Your mom/dad is upset right now. This is hard for all of us. Let’s take a break for a few minutes and talk again in a little while.”
 
  • Be brief, honest, and age-appropriate. Children deserve to be unfettered by adult feelings and relationship matters. Agree with your spouse beforehand on a short narrative in which there are no heroes or villains. I recommend something along the lines of,“Mom and Dad (or Mom and Mom/Dad and Dad) have been trying for a while to sort out some of our differences. Sometimes adults encounter issues or problems that words alone cannot resolve. Talking hasn't helped. So we have decided it would be better if we lived in separate houses. This is an adult decision and it is no one’s fault, especially not yours. We both love you very much and (provided this is accurate) we will both be here to help guide you through this.”  It is important to note that older children may wish--even demand--to know the reasons for the divorce. It is neither necessary nor appropriate for children to know the intimate details of their parents' relationship.  Tell them it is okay and normal to be curious but that the details of the divorce are best kept between adults. 
​
  • Tell them what will stay the same. Once you’ve told the kids about what will be changing, it’s important to remind them of what will remain the same: schools, teachers, celebrations (birthdays, holidays, rites of passage, etc.), sports teams, neighborhoods, time with both parents (assuming this applies). Additionally, kids appreciate hearing that divorce doesn’t change the makeup of their extended families (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.). Remind your children that you are still a family, now with parents who live in different houses. 
 
  • Check back in every few days. The news will take time to digest. Ask your kids how they are feeling about the change. If they are sad, ask them what they typically do to help themselves when they feel down (read, draw, talk to their friends, etc.).  Even if they don’t bring it up themselves, checking in every so often lets children know the subject is safe to discuss. 
 
  • Connect them with peers. As your children age, they will encounter more peers whose parents live in two houses. Ask your children what they know about their peers with divorced parents. What do their friends like about living in two houses?  What do they wish were different? Encourage your kids to connect with other children who come from two-household families. This helps them feel a greater sense of normalcy and belonging.
 
  • Stick to the custody schedule. Particularly in the beginning, it is important to keep your children’s environment as predictable as possible. This bolsters trust and safety. Follow the custody schedule consistently and, if changes do occur, give your children plenty of prior notice so they know what to expect.
 
  • Remind and reassure. Remind your children that, even though their parents will be living apart, you, their other parent, and their siblings are all in this together. Though they may be hurting now and it may take some getting used to, reassure them that all of you will eventually feel better about the divorce. 
 
  • Speak kindly of your chid or children’s mother or father. This cannot be emphasized enough. Because children’s egos and identities are still forming, it is difficult for them to see their parents as separate beings. Thus, when one parent speaks negatively about the other in front of a child, it is the child who feels badly about him or herself. No matter how upset you are with your fellow co-parent, resist all temptation to make contemptuous statements about the other parent within earshot of your child or children. When children feel free to love each parent equally, they are better able to access their own natural resilience. 

It is normal for separating spouses to posses some degree of negative feelings about the other. This is particularly true in cases where one spouse did not have a choice about the divorce. Thus, I encourage both partners to lean into their adult support systems (friends, family, support groups, therapists or counselors, etc.). When the adults care for themselves and each other appropriately, everyone benefits, including and especially, the children.


Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, divorce therapist, and grief counselor in the Phinney - Greenwood area of North Seattle. If you have questions about how to nurture your children through divorce, help is just a click away.  Schedule a free consultation to see how divorce counseling and co-parent support can help you and your children thrive after divorce.

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    Seattle psychologist grief counselor and dating coach in Phinney Greenwood North Seattle

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    Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, grief counselor, and dating coach. Her coaching and therapy practice is located in the Phinney - Greenwood area of North Seattle in Washington. 

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